The 7 Deadly – or Semi-Annoying – Sins of Halloween

Everyone knows that Christmas is the holiday of meaningful life-lessons, dancing cartoon dogs and spending a month pretending you’re going to become a better person, but Halloween can be just as poignant. Below are seven ways this magical season can bring out the best of the worst in all of us:
womens-catch-me-honey-costume#7: Lower the lust quotient, ladies. Hey, Skanky McBooberson! You’re not fooling anyone with your sexy Pikachu costume (gotta catch ’em all takes on a whole new meaning when your boobs are hanging out). Combining an innocent childhood character with hooker heels and a push-up bra doesn’t counteract the slut-quotient. If anything it just confuses men and brings up their suppressed childhood feelings for Elmo.

#6: Free candy can bring out anyone’s gluttony. Admit that candy is delicious and you would easily steal it from a baby. In fact, you have. If you take your baby trick-or-treating and the pillowcase full of candy weighs more than the kid then you’re not fooling anyone. Just admit you’re going to eat all of the candy yourself and leave your 8-month-old in the wagon on the sidewalk. It saves everyone the time and effort of you spending five minutes waddling them up the steps and trying to get them to say “twick-ow-tweat.” Adorable… now move it along I’ve got teenagers in a hockey mask who need a Reese’s cup.

#5: The wrath of the haunted house is hilarious. Yes, it is funny to see your friends almost wet themselves. BFF or not, watching a chainsaw wielding maniac make your friends squeal like a little girl is just plain good entertainment. They have a heart condition you say? That just adds to the potential hilarity factor.

#4: It’s easy to embrace your sloth side when choosing a costume. Deodorant. Check. Milk. Check. Halloween costume. Check. Remember the days when people used to put thought and effort into their Halloween costumes? Or was that just me because poor kids are forced to be creative? Either way, nowadays you can just grab a plastic bag with a plastic costume in the aisle next to the plastic bags. $5 worth of fabric and labor for the low price of $59.99. Make sure to pick up some Christmas lights while you’re there. They’re on the next shelf over.

#3: Have a little pride in your costume. The “funny” section of the costume shop should just have a giant flashing arrow that says “Douche bags! Shop here!” I want to tell guys that it’s not even remotely funny to dress up like a giant sperm superhero named “Super Sperm” (I can’t imagine the hours it took to think up that name), an unkempt female lifeguard called “Anita Waxin” (your mind must be racing right now to picture that one) or “The Shocker” (yes, it is exactly what you think). However, I can’t direct men away from these costumes because I like knowing where the idiots are. It’s like giving them a name tag that says “Hi my name is Douche Face. Steer clear.”

#2: Company greed isn’t just for Christmas. Sure, Christmas decorations start showing up in October, but over the past few years, Halloween has started creeping into stores next to Back-to-School supplies. Halloween is now the second biggest money-making holiday after Christmas. Which is great, because Americans need another excuse for excessive spending. So gather round the Halloween tree, kids! It’s time to celebrate spending hundreds of dollars on an outfit we’re only going to wear once (just getting them ready for their wedding day, I suppose).

#1: We like to watch people in situations no one would envy. Watching murder and torture to celebrate a holiday? Fun. I know there is nothing more relaxing to me than curling up under a blanket and watching a woman get disemboweled. Pass the candy corn. Actually, don’t. Candy corn couldn’t even be made more disgusting by a attached-to-the-end-of-a-human-centipede situation.

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Halloween is the best holiday. Obviously.

How to Make Almond Milk

Step 1.

Don’t.

Step 2.

Seriously? Why?

Step 3. 

Do you really have the time and patience to make your own almond milk? That’s amazing. But… have you heard of television, though? It’s this magical light up rectangle that sits in your house and tells you stories. More importantly, it will keep you from wanting to milk an almond.

Step 4. 

You know you can just buy almond milk, right?

Step 5. 

How about books? They’re the slower, more boring version of TV that takes up a lot of time and makes your eyes tired. If you have the patience for making almond milk, books might be right up your alley.

Step 6. 

Where do you even find the nipple on an almond?

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Making your own food is great, but there has to be a line, right? Life is too short to milk an almond.

PS: If you came here to find out how to actually make almond milk, here’s how. The first step is to soak the almonds for two days. Yep, that’s a ~great~ use of your time.

 

30 Facts About 30

“Age is just a number.” False. If that were true my knee wouldn’t make a popping sound when I sit down.

Here are 30 undeniable facts about turning the terrifying thirty.

  1. 30 sucks.
  2. 30 is awesome.
  3. Your perception of turning 30 depends entirely on where you are in your life and how much you’ve “achieved.”
  4. “Achievement” is entirely based on your gender. If you’re a 30-year-old woman, you should be married/engaged and have a child/plans for children very soon.
  5. You’re no longer allowed to be “figuring life out.” You should have your shit together.
  6. You’re expected to have a good job, have a good relationship and own a suit.
  7. Most 30-year-olds are still “figuring life out.”
  8. If you’ve done life right, your alcohol tolerance at 30 is far greater than it was at 25.
  9. Your Facebook feed becomes overrun with pictures of babies… and you post a few yourself.
  10. There are athletes younger than you that can realistically have competed in 3 Olympic games.
  11. You’ll never make a “30 Under 30” list.
  12. You’re not the youngest in your group of friends anymore.
  13. You’re not the youngest at work anymore.
  14. You’re not the youngest anywhere anymore.
    You lose all ability to perceive the age of people younger than you.
  15. You refuse to accept the age of people only a few years older than you.
  16. You remember how OLD 30 sounded when you were a teenager.
  17. You’re not allowed to complain about being 30 to anyone in their 40’s.
  18. Your memory starts going and you often tell the same stories to the same people over and over.
  19. You’ve known your friends long enough that they won’t hesitate to tell you that you’re old, and forgetful, and have told them the same story over and over again.
  20. You notice that a lot of things matter a lot less. Things that would have ruined your whole day at 22 don’t even affect you at 30.
  21. You notice a lot of things matter a lot more. You know life is short and precious and you start to get your priorities straight.
  22. You are much better at standing up for yourself and people who mess with you better watch the hell out.
  23. If you’re lucky, you can officially say you’ve been friends with someone 10 or 20 years. That is an awesome feeling.
  24. When you think of the mid-1990’s, you still think of them as about 10 years ago.
  25. When you were a kid, Nick at Nite was I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Taxi.
  26. You’re horrified that Nick at Nite is now Roseanne, Full House and Friends.
  27. You’re even more horrified that Marge and Homer, and Dan and Roseanne were only a few years older than you are now… and they each had three kids.
  28. You used to think it was impressive that you knew every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. You now realize everyone your age knows every word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
  29. You can honestly say you know yourself better than you ever have.
  30. You’ve convinced yourself that with modern medicine, 30 is the new 20. And if you look at pictures of people your age from the 1950’s, you might just be right.

PHSD – Pre-Halloween Stress Disorder

It’s almost Halloween. That means this time last year you were screaming “next year will be different” while sobbing into the used lingerie rack at a thrift store. 

But alas, Halloween is one week away and that slutty Mr. Potato Head costume option is looking better and better. 

This is the time of year when Google’s top Halloween search terms go from “fun costumes” and “cute couple costumes” to things like “last minute costume ideas,” “how to make a costume out of a sack” and “sweet baby Buddha I need a f&*%ing costume NOW!”

People always talk about the stress of “the holidays.” The dread of spending Thanksgiving being hit on by crazy “Uncle” Charlie or maxing out five credit cards at Christmas buying 100 memberships to the Sausage of the Month Club. But what about Halloween?

More than any other holiday, Halloween comes with the pressure to be “clever.” You’ve got to come up with a clever costume, carve a clever pumpkin, write clever things on your fake Styrofoam tombstones. Here’s a fun fact: most people aren’t clever. Way to point out how lame people are, Halloween. That’s a bitch move right there.

At least Beggar’s Night is nothing but fun with all those adorable little princesses and ninjas carrying their tiny plastic pumpkins. That’s until a 17-year-old football player in a ski mask shows up trying to get free candy. Tell me any other time of year when roving bands of teenagers in masks trying to get you to give them free things is a fun family event. October 31: good holiday fun. November 1: turn off the lights and call the cops.

The practice of leaving decapitated, decomposing produce all over the house is a whole other can of crazy. If you had a neighbor who liked to carve human faces into Papayas and then leave them on his porch, I doubt you’d be strolling over to ask for a cup of sugar. 

Luckily we have soothing, feel-good holiday movies like Halloween, The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 89 to calm our nerves. Weeks on end of watching 20-somethings be skinned alive is just plain good for the soul.

What’s the point that is Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Relax. Halloween is super fun. If you’re feeling too stressed out, go stare at the Christmas light display that’s been at Target since September. Then eat a bag of Kit Kats. When the real zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll miss those Pocahottie costumes. 

14 Reality TV Life Lessons

People claim that reality television is just mindless drivel that is causing the downfall of America. But if you really pay attention, you’ll find that every hoarder and child beauty queen is teaching us a valuable lesson about life, love and the pathway to inner peace. At the very least it can make you feel better about not being romantically involved with your car.

Here is a list (cause you people love lists) of 14 Real Reality TV Life Lessons:

1. If You’re Rich, You’re a Horrible, Horrible Person (My Super Sweet 16, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta, New York, Beverly Hills, Miami and Orange County): Might as well just call all of them the Real Housewives of HELL! I mean, I can take a certain amount of cringe-worthy television, but these are too much even for me. Maybe it says something about my personality that I’ll watch a homeless 19-year-old shoot heroin for hours, but I can’t take two seconds of a 15 3/4-year-old complain that she wants a Porsche for her birthday, not the crappy Mercedes (my apologies to rich people, I honestly don’t know if you’d consider a Porsche better than a Mercedes).

2. You Should Throw Away Everything In Your House (Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive): A Hoarders marathon is a dangerous thing. About 10 minutes into the 2nd episode I’m ready to toss everything in my house into the garbage. Obviously the fact that I have a box with old newspaper articles I’ve written and my 3rd Grade craft project means I’m just about one step closer to poop in a bag. It’s a logical jump. At least as logical as thinking you’ll need that TV Guide from 1984 again someday. Although, I can understand their fear. What if you need to look up that one actor’s name from Charles in Charge after the zombie apocalypse when all computers, phones and nerds are gone?

3. Never Throw Anything Away, It Could Be Worth Money Someday (Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn, American Pickers): Those hoarders are nuts! So anyway, you were telling me about that $100,000 coin you found in a box in your grandmother’s attic?

4. Man-Whores are okay, but Woman-Whores are Pathetic Sluts (The Bachelor/The Bachelorette): You ever hear people talk about these shows? There is such outrage when the Bachelorette goes and makes out with a couple guys in one night. If the Bachelor makes out with two girls, people wonder why he didn’t make out with five. See a little double standard here? It’s 2012 people. There should be equal standards; everyone on reality TV is a ho.

5. People With British Accents Can Get Away With Anything (Super Nanny, Kitchen Nightmares, American Idol, America’s Got Talent): There is something deeply engrained in we Americans that makes us just accept (and maybe even enjoy) British people verbally abusing us. And yes, I know Gordon Ramsey is Scottish, but most of us don’t know any better. If the idiots on Jersey Shore hailed from Fingringhoe or Cockshoot Close (yes, those are real) then we’d find them ever so bloody charming, wouldn’t we mate?

6. The General Public Knows Nothing About Talent (American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance): Why do we leave these decisions in the hands of the general public? Sure, we let them decide menial things like who runs our city, state and country, but there is $100,000 and a recording contract at stake here! People know nothing about who’s pitchy, dawg! Also, the fact that someone had a semi sad childhood (i.e. was maybe lower-middle class) doesn’t automatically mean they’re a better singer.

7: Schadenfreude is Alive and Well (Intervention, Addicted, The Biggest Loser): Sorry, Bob Harper, but no matter how much it ticks you off, I’m not going to stop eating pizza and ice cream while I watch a morbidly obese person pass out after the first time they’ve ever worked out. People take joy in things like that. People watch Intervention for the same reason they watch auto racing; they want to see someone crash and burn.

8: Overpopulating the Earth is Very Entertaining (19 Kids and Counting, Jon and Kate Plus 8): That crazy Duggar woman has said she doesn’t believe in overpopulation. ~Shocking~ To be honest, this really should be put under #7 because I’m pretty sure people just watch this show to feel better about not having a whole litter of children.

9: Super Boring Family Crap is Somehow Entertaining With Little People (Little People, Big World, The Little Couple): Going to the dentist? Boring. A little person going to the dentist? Oh, the adventure! Small in stature means big in entertainment! Hey, I should work in marketing.

10: People Are So Freaking Stupid (I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant): I don’t even know if this show is still on. I could research it, but then my browser history would forever show that I searched “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Either way, I just felt this needed its own special category of idiocy. And the stupid ones aren’t just on the show, they’re also the people who have watched more than one episode. How many times can you hear about a woman giving birth on a toilet?

11: What the F*&$ Is Wrong With People? (My Strange Addiction): If there is one thing reality TV has taught us, it’s that there are some seriously messed up people in this world. But this show wins the crazy prize. A guy who is dating his car (and when I say dating, I mean DATING), a woman who snorts baby powder and a chick who drinks gasoline are all at least watchable. But the woman drinking her own urine almost made me vomit. I got through about 10 seconds of her explaining the different flavors and I had to turn it off. I’m going to stop talking about it now because I’m about to puke again…

12: You’re Not A Professional Blower-Upper Guy (Mythbusters, Jackass): They all have the same basic warning that you shouldn’t blow stuff up, but they can. But what made them professionals at blowing stuff up? Doing it a lot and filming it. So kids, get to it…

13. Every Woman In America is Planning a Wedding at All Times… or Wishes She Was. (Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss etc): It is kind of amazing how many ways you can make a white dress. But any woman who claims she doesn’t watch these shows and picture herself in every dress is lying.

14. It’s Never Too Early to Start Teaching Girls That Looks Are All That Matters (Toddlers and Tiaras): When asked why they put their daughters in pageants, the mothers always have the same response “Pageants prepare my daughter for life. People are judged by their looks.” Oh, really? Tell me more, woman in the leopard print leggings and over-sized Disney t-shirt. Maybe comb your hair and put on some lip gloss before you tell me about the great life lessons your 5-year-old is getting from her spray tan and eyebrow waxing.

10 Reasons The Avengers Sucks

Yeah, I’ve heard all about it. How The Avengers is the most awesome movie ever made and broke the box office record for opening weekend ticket sales. The movie full-on Hulk Smashed nearly every other film ever made. Well, I’m here to tell you why The Avengers sucks!

10. Real Life Blows Now… Even More So: Did you see The Avengers yet? Well, if you’re one of the five people who haven’t, good luck going to work the next day. As if Mondays weren’t boring enough, this week I was forced to have the awesomeness that is The Avengers in my brain while I was emptying the used coffee filter.

9. Scarlett Johansson’s Rear End: Damn gurl, how’d you fit all of that in them jeans, them jeans, how’d you fit all of that in them… yes, I know Black Widow doesn’t wear jeans and yes, those are the lyrics to a real song. But still, did you see that close up of her hind quarters? Way to make 99% of all other women’s butts look super lame.

8. The Inflation of Nerd Egos: As if the world’s obsession with technology hadn’t given nerds enough of an ego boost, now it’s cool to like comic book heroes. Great. Next thing you know people will be judged on their intelligence and not their looks.

7. Blonde Guys: I have never liked blonde guys. Yuck. Tall dark and handsome all the way for me, thank you. But stupid Avengers had to go and make those blonde guys hot. But you listen to me, world! Just because Chris Hemsworth (Thor) can pull it off better not mean that the Fabio look comes back in style. Wait, was that ever in style?

6. The Hulk Is Cool: I live my life knowing certain undeniable truths. Pizza is delicious, Glee sucks and The Hulk movies were ridiculously lame. Now The Avengers has to go and make me love The Hulk. I’m already dealing with my newfound love of blonde guys, I don’t need to add giant green men with anger management issues to my list of totally hot hotties.

5. People are annoying: People are even more annoying when you’re forced to share an armrest with them. I want the experience of a blockbuster movie without all those pesky people. And who is the sadist that put hard little candies in a cardboard box? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that obnoxious people take those boxes as a challenge to be the most annoying. Now there is a game no one can win.

4. Romantic Schmorantic: Now I can never watch The Notebook again. Wait… I never wanted to watch The Notebook again anyway. Well, regardless, I’ll take epic battles for the survival of all mankind over the fate of whiny girl and lovelorn guy. Buh-bye Romanic Comedies. I’m so over you.

3.Cleveland Rocks: All the work that the Browns, Cavs and Indians have done to make Cleveland feel like crap and now The Avengers comes in and gives them a sliver of happiness. Watching the faces of Cleveland natives light up when they see their city being blown apart is just disgusting. LeBron people, Lebron. Know your place, Cleveland.

2. Forcing Me to Like Things: I pride myself on disliking things. How DARE you make me like you Avengers. For shame. You go cuddle your hundreds of millions of dollars and think about what you’ve done.

1. Butt Loads of Cash and Time: Good grief. You can’t just be happy with the $50 I’ve already given you, can you Avengers? Now you are going to force hours upon hours more of entertainment on me over the coming years. Sequels to basically every movie that preceded The Avengers and the inevitable Avengers sequel. Ugh.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Thor can swing his giant hammer my way any day. I mean… boo Avengers.

15 (More) Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

There’s a popular article going around of the 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. Here is a list of 15 more things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier… snarky style.

1. Give Up The Need to Have Everyone Like You: It is impossible to make everyone like you, but more importantly, it says something about you as a person if you feel the need for everyone to be your friend. Do you not have any of your own feelings or opinions? Because there are times in life when you have to stand up for yourself, and that usually makes an enemy or two along the way. A lot of people are also jerks or idiots. Why do you care if jerks or idiots like you? Are you a jerk or idiot?

2. Give Up Being a Health Nut: I legitimately cannot imagine spending my entire life counting calories and going to the gym 7 days a week. Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah, but there is a difference between keeping the flab under control and just being a freak about it. Going to the gym doesn’t make you invincible. You can still get hit by a bus. So have a damn cookie and maybe go out for drinks with your friends a couple of those gym nights.

3. Give Up Mean Bitches: We all know there are different types of bitches. I would never suggest giving up a funny bitch or a recreational bitch like myself. Dumb bitches are taken care of in #5 of this list. But mean bitches have got to go… them and their bitch faces.

4. Give Up Crocs: Seriously people. I have never seen an uglier piece of clothing. You might as well wear a sign saying “I’ve given up on myself.”

5. Give Up Dumbasses: Man, people are stupid. I mean, it’s stunning sometimes. And if you have a job where you deal with the general public, it can completely ruin your faith in the future of humanity. So do your best to cut all dumbasses out of your personal life if possible. Your faith in humanity will greatly improve. Well, as long as you also avoid all reality TV and any local or national news.

6. Give Up Your Faith in The Youth of America: Have you seen this? Seriously? WTF?

7. Give Up Whoever You’re Pining Over: Either they’ve never loved you or they don’t love you anymore. Either way, give it up. You look pathetic.

8. Give Up The Idea That Your Childhood Dreams Will Come True: You’re not going to be any of the following: Princess, Astronaut, Cowboy, Race Car Driver, Ballerina or a Lion Tamer. Quite frankly, it was irresponsible of your parents to ever lead you to believe you could be anything you wanted. That’s borderline child abuse right there.

9. Give Up Not Complaining: Life gets annoying. Pretending everything is great all the time and never having a gripe about anything will eventually land you in a looney bin all tied up in a straight jacket, giggling uncontrollably and talking like Ned Flanders. When something is annoying, find a friend and bitch about it. Note: There IS a limit to how much you can bitch about any one subject, so make sure to spice up your bitching. Choose a variety of topics to keep things fresh. The addition of alcohol makes any bitch session better.

10. Give Up Feeling Like You Can’t Say No: People pleasers make me puke. Grow a freaking backbone. You cannot spend your life saying yes to everyone and everything. Well, actually, I take that back. You go ahead and keep doing that because people like me need someone to shove all the crappy duties of life off onto. And if you don’t value yourself enough to take a stance, then I don’t mind walking all over you.

11. Give Up Your Myspace Account: Are you kidding? Who the hell still has a Myspace account? Hold on, let me hit you up on Friendster.

12. Give Up People Who Aren’t Worth Your Time: Friends are fun, but not all friends are forever. Do you have that person who you text all the time, but never replies? After about the 12th time, you can’t pretend it’s your phone malfunctioning. That bitch is ignoring you. You can safely end the friendship knowing you tried your best. And that your former good friend is a bitch face.

13. Give Up Bacon: I’m just kidding. Bacon is delicious. Eat up.

14. Give Up Pants With Writing On The Butt: No. NO! You are either too young, or too old to have “juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass. Either you’re a pre-teen and it’s freaking jail bait, or you’re over 16 and it’s just sad. Quit. You quit that right now.

15. Give Up Trying to Make Social Change on Facebook: No matter how many times you tell me to “re-post” your idiotic status, I’m not going to do it. Mass “awareness” statuses could make me hate the cause of puppies born without eyes if I see the moronic status enough. Oh, and side note: everyone is aware of breast cancer. We can stop having secret coded messages to raise awareness. How about we just start fighting for a cure? The “awareness” is at its peak. Have you ever met someone who didn’t know about breast cancer? Case and point.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

You’re Lucky the Irish Have a Good Sense of Humor

Do you know where the phrase “Luck of the Irish” originated? It began when Irish immigrants started to do well in the U.S. and work their way out of the ghettos. People started saying that it must be the “luck of the Irish” because the Irish were too lazy and stupid to have actually achieved anything on their own. How’d ole Patrick O’SullivanMcFlanagan get that fancy new hoe? Must be luck. Patrick O’RoukeMcKelly couldn’t possible have been smart enough to earn the money to buy it himself, by Blarney!

The Irish have faced a ton of adversity. I bet that sentence made you snicker. It’s true though. But overall, we’re a pretty jovial people. Perhaps it’s the beer and whiskey. Aw… see what I did there? Implying all Irish people are drunks. Horrible, horrible stereotype. The Irish aren’t drunks. We can handle our alochol.

That leads me perfectly into the mess that is St. Patrick’s Day. I have never gotten especially excited about St. Patrick’s Day. The specials they run on the History Channel about the potato famine are more exciting to me than green beer and kegs and eggs.

I actually kind of abhor St. Patrick’s Day. I lock myself up in my apartment and wait for the droves of idiots in green bowler hats and shamrock glasses to stumble back home and out of my favorite, normally quiet, local bar.

They may say “everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day” but they aren’t. Everyone is a drunken idiot on St. Patrick’s Day (and noooooo, that doesn’t describe a normal person of Irish heritage thank you very much). When you really think about it though, it’s slightly offensive to imply – or outright state – that being “Irish” means drinking until you pass out.

We Irish don’t complain nearly as much as we should or could. Well, I’m complaining, but I don’t represent all Irish people. I mean, could you imagine if we celebrated other holidays just by choosing one giant stereotype of that ethnicity and running around saying that, by doing that one giant stereotype, we are now one of those people? Black History Month? Cinco De Mayo? Chinese New Year? Sounds like a Family Guy episode in the making.

What’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? You’re not Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. If you want to drink, take a lesson from someone with real Irish heritage, just drink whenever you want to. Everyday is St. Patrick’s Day for us. Wait… I think I just perpetuated the stereotype I was trying to fight. Crap. Oh well. Even if you drink a lot, you’ll never be as pale as me. Take that.

Unbelievably Tragic and Amazingly Awesome

I have been known to occasionally overexaggerate things. What can I say? I like to use colorful language. I’m a storyteller at heart really, and I must entertain my audience. But there are times when I step back and realize just how silly most of us are in our word usage.

If something truly amazing ever happened to me I would have to make up a new mega-word to accurately describe the experience. Fantabudupertastic or Stupendabulous or something. When you use the word amazing to describe a deal you just got at Target, it takes a little bit of the power out of the word.

Let’s take a closer look at this theory:

“I just had the most AMAZING sandwich.”

a·maz·ing/əˈmāziNG/

Adjective:
  1. Causing great surprise or wonder; astonishing.
  2. Startlingly impressive.

So you’re saying you just had the most startlingly impressive sandwich that caused you great wonder. Holy crap! Did it have pickles?

“Those shoes are awesome.”

awe·some/ˈôsəm/

Adjective:
  1. Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.
  2. Extremely good; excellent.

If I ever see a daunting pair of shoes that gives me great inspiration, I’ll make sure to Instagram that mess for everyone to see.

These words are just a part of our day-to-day language at this point. Which is fine, I suppose it’s not causing anyone any harm. It is kind of sad when you think about it. I mean, are our lives THAT boring? Perhaps they are. Tragic really.

Tragic. Now there’s a funny word.

trag·ic/ˈtrajik/

Adjective:
  1. Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.
  2. Suffering extreme distress or sorrow.

People don’t technically misuse the word, they’re just idiots. If the death of a drug addicted billionaire who you’ve never met causes you extreme sorrow, you need to check yourself. Psssst! There are children starving to death all over the world without anyone giving a flying crap. A singer who had every resource possible and still chose to “crack” themselves to death isn’t tragic. At the very most it should conjur an “aw, shucks.”

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? You’re all unbelievably, stunningly, profoundly and intensely overexaggerating everything. Drama queens. I would never do something like that.

Selective Feminism

Well, everyone (mainly ladies and gay men – my two main demographics), tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. An amazing day to celebrate love with your special someone (and then post all about it on Facebook in an attempt to make everyone jealous). AKA a day for single people to loudly declare how much they love their independence while crying into a heart-shaped box of chocolates they bought themselves.  All around, a super fake, all for appearances holiday… that can make or break a relationship.

I know I’ve been giving my man a lot of crap. I believe very strongly that planning Valentine’s Day is a man’s job. And he better do it right, damn it. You may be asking: If Valentine’s Day is so important, couldn’t you plan it yourself? Shut your filthy mouth, that’s crazy feminist talk! Wait a second… I am a feminist. Or am I?

I think women should have all the same rights as men, but still be  allowed on the lifeboat first when the ship is sinking. That’s just common courtesy, damn it.

I was leaving a Piada the other day (side note: how freaking delicious is Piada?) as some guy was walking in. I was only a couple steps from the door, when the guy walked in. You hear me? He walked IN. And the door closed behind him. Excuse me? I was like three steps away. Why I do declare!

Now I don’t know if I expected him to hold the door for me because that’s basic manners, or if I expected him to hold the door because I’m a woman. I did have to stop and wonder if a man in the same situation would have thought twice about it. I, on the other hand, was greatly offended. “I bet that dude never gets laid” may have been a thought that crossed through my mind.I mean, obviously he has zero social skills and is just a pathetic loser for not holding the door for me. Evil little troll man.

I expect men to dispose of scary bugs, carry heavy things and hold doors open for me. However, I don’t think women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. So am I still a feminist? Or am I some sort of selective feminist? A feminist when it’s convenient for me? I’m not sure.

There are times when it feels like a lose/lose situation. Saying you’re a feminist scares the crap out of people. I mean, I like wearing a bra and shaving. But those of us who consider ourselves “strong, independent women” (dare I say… feminists) also feel really pathetic when we expect men to do things like open doors. Makes me feel like I’m going to lose my “strong woman” card and have to start carrying a chihuahua around in a bag* and change my name to something that ends in an “i”.

What’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Women shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with themselves. You know the idea of a man paying for dinner AND the movie, opening your car door and then killing a big-ass spider sounds like the perfect night. It’s okay. Even if you’ve thought this, you still deserve equal pay for equal work and the right to vote. And you can love pink and sparkles and still be a bad-ass feminist. Deal with it dudes.

* Turns out you cannot be a feminist and carry a small dog around in a bag. Goes completely against nature.

New Year, Same You

Well people, it’s almost the start of another new year. That means most of you will have failed your New Year’s resolution by this time next week. Don’t feel bad, your resolution is completely unrealistic anyway. Failing at a resolution is really just succeeding at knowing yourself. And most self-help gurus will tell you that knowing yourself is the first step to self-improvement. So make “know myself better” a resolution and BAM. You’ve got one. That’s 100% more than most people.

When you think about it, the New Year is just setting us up to fail. Keeping a New Year’s resolution would be like keeping Christmas cheer all year long, dressing as a slutty vampire everyday or continuously being drunk on green beer and whiskey… well… the first two are ridiculous at least.

And excuuuuuuuuse me, Baby New Year, but I don’t think you have any business telling me to lose weight. I’ve seen you in a diaper and you’re not exactly rocking a six pack.

If people really wanted to exercise more and quit smoking they’d do it when the days are longer and they aren’t already wallowing in the haze of seasonal affect disorder. Vitamin D supplements my butt. No pill is going to make you feel better about it being pitch black at 5pm.

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? If you want to improve yourself, do it in a few months. It’s too cold outside to train for a marathon or spend more time with your kids now anyway.

Bitch Theory

The biggest bitches I’ve ever met all have one thing in common. They’ve called me a bitch. To my face.

They usually try to mask it as a joke. “OMG you are such a bitch!” Well, guess what? You just out bitched a bitch. Congrats.

Obviously I know I’m a bitch. But I like to think of myself as a funny bitch. A bitch that is bitchy for amusement purposes. A recreational bitch, if you will.  I was raised right. I talk about people behind their backs.

Mean bitches are the ones who make people feel bad on purpose or just don’t care how they make you feel. The ones whose mere mention makes people roll their eyes and regale you with stories about their bitchiness. I, on the other hand, accidentally hurt people’s feelings while attempting to be funny. Then I feel bad about it. That’s right. Bitches have feelings too. Well, the funny bitches do anyway. I can only assume that making people feel bad is where the mean bitches get their evil bitch powers.

Nice people tell me I’m bitchy, but they use code words. They tell me I’m funny, witty, sassy, sarcastic and – dare I say – snarky. Because a nice person would never call someone a bitch to their face. They may think it, but then they smile, suppress their feelings and develop an ulcer.

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the most common types of bitches:

Mean Bitches: They’ve got that bitch face. You know the one. You meet them for the first time and they greet you with a disapproving snort. They stand in the corner and talk about you where you can see them. All the while constantly glancing at you as they’re doing it.

Funny Bitches: They’re sarcastic smart-asses, but they never just turn to you and tell you why you suck. They don’t pretend to love things that they don’t and they will crush everything you love, but they don’t attack you personally. And that counts for something, right?

Dumb Bitches: This is probably the most common form of bitch. They’re the Kim Kardashians and Paris Hiltons of the world. They’re mean, but too stupid to actually form a real insult. Generally speaking they’re super skinny with really rich daddies. You could almost name them the “default bitch” cause they were never given a chance to be any other way. This type of bitch will only make you feel bad when you stop and think about how their lives disprove any chance of karma being a thing.

Secret Bitches: Watch out for these. They seem perky and peppy. They are usually petite little things that love cute kitten videos and babies. They have high voices and small chests. But listen closely. Did you hear what that bitch just said? If she weren’t so upbeat I would think she was serious! Here’s the thing. She is serious. That bitch just gets away with it because she’s so damn bubbly.*

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Don’t lump all bitches together. Some of us are just trying to be funny and can’t hide our hatred for the show Glee. We don’t all want to make you cry into your pillow at night.

* Dumb Bitches and Secret Bitches are often one and the same. An especially lethal combination and mortal enemy of the Funny Bitch.

Why Black Friday is Scarier Than The Walking Dead

We all know the familiar scene. Bloodthirsty, heartless, brain-dead drones attacking helpless victims en masse.  Little did that victim know that he would soon be slashed – price slashed – and consumed by a violent mob. That poor, innocent Xbox never saw it coming.

But, seriously. Have you ever watched a zombie movie or TV show and wondered just how they really took over EVERYTHING. I can see a zombie virus taking out a hospital staff quickly or running through a little town in Podunkville, USA, but the entire Military? That slow walking corpse took out the whole police force? Even the less common and ridiculous marathon runner zombies seen in movies like 28 Days Later should be defeatable be a whole police squad, right? Those men are trained to stay cool and calm and handle these kinds of situations. Oh… wait…

And before you Walking Dead fans say anything, yes, I call them zombies. You know why? Because they’re zombies. The fact that they refuse to ever use the word “zombie” is the least realistic part of the whole show. Are we to believe these people never saw a zombie movie in their entire lives? Come on! The dead coming back to eat the living? Yeah, sure. But a world without the word zombie? Homey don’t buy that.

Just get a few hundred people together for a mediocre deal and you can easily see why we will all eventually die in a zombie apocalypse. After hearing some of the stories of Black Friday 2011 I’m not totally convinced that there aren’t a few of the infected already out there.

Police pepper spraying shoppers, shoppers pepper spraying shoppers, pepper spray policing shoppers, dogs hugging kittens; it’s all a sign that we’re going down.

If a cop can’t even handle some housewives with too much time and not enough money, there is no way they’re going to calmly obliterate a zombie hoard.

And there is always that one character in the group of survivors that starts out okay, but has the crazy eye. You know the one. You see him and think “that boy ain’t right” (or “something is amiss with that young man” – individual thoughts depend on your level of hillbilly). But then that guy goes totally nuts and kills a bunch of people. Well, it would seem, based on Black Friday, that it should really be everyone just running around shooting each other in the neck.

People on TV calmly band together and find antibiotics for their friends. People in real life face palm their grandmother to get $100 off an HDTV. Which is scarier?

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? If the world gets taken over by zombies, we’re all screwed. I’m talking I Am Legend even-the-dog-gets-it kind of screwed. Not Night of the Living Dead One-bad-night-and-then-we’re-playing-hit-the-zombie-with-a-rock-in-the-backyard style screwed.

What’s that? You didn’t need me to tell you that? You better hope I don’t become a zombie or I’m gonna crazy zombie bite you so hard…

Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People: Part 2

Holy *&%#! Facebook changed! *jumps out window*

Now, I will admit, I think the new Facebook is a stupid, convoluted mess that thinks it knows me better than it really does (sounds like some people I know), but at least I gave it a week or so before passing judgment. I had to laugh a little – well, a lot – at the people who logged in the day of the change and immediately posted about how much they hate it. Amazingly enough, they’re the exact same people who had absolutely “had it” with Facebook after the last change. Now they’re back to happily updating us about their treacherous bake-sale activities and fascinating coffee addiction.

Some people are starting to form an abusive relationship with Facebook. Facebook hits them with a new update and they say they’re done with it for good, but the next week they’ve come crawling back. They’ve been with Facebook so long, they can’t throw all of that away! After all, it was really their own fault, they shouldn’t have made Facebook mad. If you knew Facebook, you’d understand.

Because I hate the new Facebook, I had to re-think my stance that Facebook doesn’t annoy people, people annoy people. But then I scrolled through my news feed for five seconds and decided I was right to begin with. The people complaining about the new Facebook, and those of us complaining about the people complaining about the new Facebook, were way more annoying than any of the actual changes Facebook had made.

No one asked and Facebook listened! One of the grand new features we’ve gotten is the addition of “Top Stories”. I’d like to see whatever algorithm or other computer mumbo-jumbo they use to determine those “Top Stories” because Facebook seems to think I care an awful lot about people that I’ve never once interacted with on Facebook. Maybe they think the only thing keeping me from commenting on these people’s statuses is that they weren’t constantly at the top of my news feed.

However, I’m starting to think this was a deliberate prank on the part of Facebook. “Let’s constantly highlight people she could care less about, and make her wonder why she’s even friends with these people to begin with,” Facebook says sitting in its dark lair, petting its white cat and rubbing its hands together ominously. Yes, Facebook has more than two hands. How else could it do all those “likes”?

In Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People: Part 1 I took a stance saying that I generally prefer to just hide people instead of unfriending them. The more I think about that, the more I realize that’s due to my own issues with confrontation. I’d much rather passive-aggressively hide someone than unfriend them and have them find out. Makes my life easier. And let’s be serious, the most important thing here is what makes me happy.

Does that make me a hypocrite of sorts? Yes, yes it does. I whine and moan about certain people and how obnoxious they are, but I’m still their “friend.” Well… I’m still most of their friends.

So now  you know I don’t unfriend often, and you’re still reading this, so you’re probably wondering what it takes to make me actually hunt someone down and unfriend him. Well, here’s the dish…

I had a hard time thinking of occasions when I actually unfriended people. I still can’t think of that many instances, but I know I’ve done it a lot. It’s apparently so traumatic for me that I block it from my memory. Sorry, I mean I “unsubscribe” it from my memory.

One instance was with a genuinely miserable person who I honest to goodness can’t stand even in person. Why was I their “friend”? Because they asked me and I knew I’d have to see them once and a while and it would have been awkward to ignore them. However, this person really loved aggressively pushing their beliefs on others and berating anyone who disagreed. The surprising part? I actually shared a lot of the same beliefs, I just didn’t like the way this person presented them. They were just so angry and bitter all the time. I’ve got enough anger and bitterness of my own, I don’t need yours Mr. Bitter McGrumpyPants.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from Facebook it’s that I don’t really care if people have different beliefs than I do. I don’t even really care if they post about their beliefs a lot. The people who tick me off are the ones who shove their beliefs on others and can’t take feedback from anyone with a differing opinion. Granted, the line here is blurred and subjective, but I do think there is a difference between “sharing” and “shoving”. If you don’t believe me, try to apply this to an everyday situation in your own life. Offer to share your dessert with someone and then shove pie up their nose. Then note how they react to “sharing vs. shoving.”

Another time I can actually remember unfriending someone it was due to me posting too much. Yeah, you read that right. I like this person just fine and had no problem with their Facebook activity, but they apparently had a problem with mine. Every time I saw this person the first thing they said to me was “well, I know what’s going on with you because you’re ALWAYS on Facebook.” I didn’t unfriend them the first time this happened… it was about the 10th time I ran into this acquaintance and had them rub my Facebook addiction in my face. I’ll choose to ignore the fact that if someone knows I’m on Facebook a lot, they must be on Facebook just a smidge as well.

I also unfriend anyone who comes up in my feed whose name I don’t recognize. I’m not too proud to admit that this has happened to me more than once.

The birthday reminders are an extremely useful tool. Not so much for sending birthday wishes, but for weeding out your friends list. When a “friend” has a birthday and the mere act of seeing their name makes me go “ew,” “ugh,” “puke,” or “huh?” then it’s time to unfriend.

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Sometimes you pretend you’re doing something to spare someone else’s feelings when you’re really just making things easier for yourself. I unfriend people when I know I will either A: likely never have to see them again or B: dislike them enough that I’d prefer they avoid me in public.

Since I am openly a Facebook addict, I’m going to declare it now: Stay tuned for Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People Part 3: Facebook: Making You Feel Bad About Your Life Since 2004.

“Fulfilling My Potential Would Really Cut Into My Sitting Around Time”

I’ve watched a lot of standup comedy over the years. Comedy Central was a main source of entertainment for me starting at a young age. Obviously this was before TV Parental Guidelines were put in place and immediately ignored by everyone.

Without Comedy Central, who’s to say if I would have developed my signature sparkling wit. ~Because if there is one word that best describes Comedy Central it would be “witty.” I certainly don’t think they should just change the name to Dick and Poop Joke Central.~

There are very few standup routines that I actually remember with any detail. I can have a decent recollection of Louis C.K.’s hilarious account of his daughter being bitten by a pony or Jim Gaffigan’s… uh… story about how Hot Pockets are hot. Obviously my ability to recall routines doesn’t directly correlate with the actual quality of the material.

The one piece of standup that sticks most vividly in my mind is a single punch line by comedienne Maria Bamford (now best known for her Target ads). I can’t even recall the exact setup of the joke. I believe that, as with all good stories, a cult may have been involved.

I did an online search to make sure I was somewhat close on what I remembered of this punch line. It has been about ten years since I saw this particular special, after all. According to the always accurate internet, the exact line is:

“She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.”

Now why, oh, why would that one piece of comedy resonate with me so deeply? What possible reason would my increasingly forgetful brain have to retain this joke? My mind has gone through hundreds of information/data purges by now and somehow this line stays clear as day.

Perhaps it’s a coincidence that this line has stuck with me. I’ve never been bitten by a wild pony or had the inside of my mouth scalded by a molten hot Hot Pocket and I pretty much remember those bits. Or perhaps…

In an odd way this joke has kind of become my life motto. What? “Making a punch line your life’s motto isn’t a great idea,” you say? Well, bite me. I didn’t ask for your opinion.

I have actually used this joke to laugh away missed opportunities in my life. If I  skipped an audition or didn’t get around to applying for a job it was because it would have “really cut into my sitting around time.” Ha, ha I’m a slacker, ha ha. It’s been how many weeks since I posted to this site? You get my point.

Fear of success and fear of failure are one in the same. No one is really afraid of succeeding, they’re afraid of the possibility that they’ll fail at being successful. Read that sentence slowly about five times and it will start to make sense.

People just say they’re afraid of success because it sounds better than being afraid of failure. No one has ever not tried something because they were afraid they’d be too awesome at it.

I’m much older now than I was when I first heard that punch line. I’d like to say wiser, but really I’ve just been through more crap. However, that crap has made me realize it’s time to drop this particular life motto.

One perk of having been through more crap is that you genuinely care less about what other people think. I am slowly easing into this new concept called “trying.” I think it originated in China. It’s a foreign idea to me, so we’ll see how it goes.

So what’s the point that this snarky self helper is trying to make? Most of the good things in life will cut into your sitting around time. Get off your ass and don’t worry about who’s watching.

Until I can find a good replacement life motto, I think my interim one will be “We call our act the Aristocrats.” What do you think?


Simpsons Already Did It!

What’s the deal with airplane food? Men like sports, women like shopping. One Cinnabon is big enough to feed a family of four.

The lack of originality in the world is shocking. We’re about one movie remake – or “re-envisioning” – away from Revenge of the Revenge of the Nerds. Or perhaps America will flock to the theaters to see Mannequin 2 remade in eye-popping 3D.

Did you hear about the edgy new sitcom coming this Fall? It follows a group of friends living in *insert large metropolitan city here*as they navigate their way through the twists and turns of this crazy thing we call life. Men and women trying to “just be friends”? Let the hilarity ensue!

Or for those of you with a more serious side, I heard there is a shocking new drama coming about a group of cops/detectives/scientists/authors/psychics who solve crimes/investigate crime scenes/prosecute criminals. The stripper was killed by her jealous boyfriend that was a suspect in the beginning of the show, but then stopped being a suspect? ~That’s quite the twist ending.~

The “Recommended Reading” aisle at Target is like walking the halls of the most depressing animal shelter in the world. Apparently all you need to write a book nowadays is a blind cat, three-legged dog or a ferret with bipolar disorder. Tell the harrowing tale of one of man’s furry friends overcoming a disability and BAM! You’ve got a bestseller.

“Sara looked out as Rover frolicked joyfully in the backyard. She watched how he played with such youthful exuberance and for a brief moment, Sarah felt a pang of sadness. No one who saw Rover’s carefree spirit would guess that he was deaf, diabetic and had lost part of his tongue saving a newborn baby from a possum.”

Wait… didn’t something like that happen in Lady and the Tramp? See… I can’t even come up with an original dog-saving-baby-being-attacked by-wild-animal story.

You’d never know it by the final outcome of these posts, but I actually have pretty high standards for myself. I never feel like any of my ideas are original enough. Writing about Facebook? It’s been done. A story about Rebecca’s Black’s song Friday? How trite.

But apparently we don’t get sick of things as easily as you might think. We’re a culture obsessed with what’s fresh and new, but it would seem that we also enjoy the same old, same old. That or we’re just really stupid and can’t tell when we’re being fed the same idea over and over again.

Did you know that high-calorie beverages make you gain weight? How about the fact that there are jobs available in health care? If you weren’t aware of these facts, then you’ve never once been to the Yahoo! homepage.

Listen to the Comedy station on Pandora radio. The comedians’ topics are all basically the same, they’re just presented in different ways. Yes, yes, Snuggies are hilarious and women can’t drive. I think I just came up with my first standup bit.

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? There are no original ideas left in the world. Even writing about how there are no original ideas isn’t an original idea. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Life would be pretty dull if we got bored that easily. It’s the way in which the material is presented, not the originality of the idea that matters.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there is a marathon of Intervention/Addicted/Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew on that I must watch.

Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People: Part 1

Have you ever run into an acquaintance and had that split second moment where you considered jumping into a rosebush so you didn’t have to talk to them? I bet you’re friends with them on Facebook.

Why does Facebook exist, really? It’s not really for professional networking, that’s LinkedIn. It’s not really to follow celebrities or companies, that’s Twitter. It’s not… eh… I won’t even bother mentioning MySpace because no one has logged in to that website for five years.

As far as I can tell Facebook is meant to help us keep in touch with friends, family and those acquaintances that we actually like. But that’s a dream world scenario.

In reality Facebook keeps us “connected” with a few key people and the other 250 (or 1,237 if you’re one of “those” people) are just filler.

Ask yourself this question: should you be “friends” with someone if seeing that it’s their birthday makes you think “ugh… do I really want to waste 20 seconds wishing them a happy birthday?” Or better yet, seeing it’s their birthday makes you go “it’s whose birthday?”

We all have them. The people who pop up on the screen and we’re annoyed before we even read what they’re going to say.

Oh, look! Another vegan recipe. When I decide to switch to that super expensive, not-allowed-to-eat-anything diet I’ll be all over that.

What’s that? Your kid used the potty for the first time? Let’s hope that doesn’t end up ranking in the top 10 achievements of their life. Judging by the fact that you just potty trained a five-year-old I’m thinking the chances aren’t looking too good…

There’s the irritating ex-neighbor who is obsessed with posting 80’s music videos. Ten YouTube videos in a row from a band whose drummer has been dead for 12 years. Each post with its own ever-so-ingenious caption such as “sweet song” or “Your gonna love this one. Its awesome” Catch the grammatical error there? Grammar jokes, people. Grammar jokes.

Then there is the elderly friend of your friend’s great-aunt that you met once at a wedding. They feel the need to share every “Repost this if you know someone who…” status that has ever been invented. This is the same women who will soon be ecstatic to learn she was chosen to inherit millions of dollars from an heiress – ha, that sounds like a British person saying hairless – Ugandan prince. All she has to do is send her social security number and bank account info. How could that ever be a bad idea?

What about that annoying friend with a blog who spends all her time pimping her latest entry and trying to get friends to “like” her page? They’re literally the worst.

Ugh! Or even worse… what about those idiots that are happy? Happy couples. Happy families. Happy cats. Vomit, puke, vomit. Go sell your crazy somewhere else, happy. We’re all full up here. Obviously I log onto Facebook to judge people, not be happy for them.

All joking aside, what’s this Snarky Self-Helper’s advice? Everyone on Facebook is annoying to someone. If you don’t like it, there’s this super simple solution called not logging on. Eh, who am I kidding? Being annoyed by people on Facebook is one of the greatest joys of Facebook. So let’s go stalk that weird co-worker… but first let me take a selfie.

We’re Not As Cultured As We’d Like to Think

People used to be so barbaric in their chosen forms of entertainment. There was a time when people would actually gather around the town gallows and watch others be hung to death for the sheer amusement.

I want to keep my posts fairly light-hearted in nature so I’m going to just ignore the fact that there are still places around the world that do this. Like most Americans I choose ignorance. Makes me feel less guilty when I’m bitching about traffic jams or how crowded it is at the mall.

Another entertainment pastime that was less morbid – but 100% politically incorrect – was the good old-fashioned freak show. Can you believe that people used to actually pay to stand and gawk at individuals with physical and mental disorders?

Oh, look! Jersey Shore is on…

As I’ve previously confessed, I love reality television. And I must admit that most of the reality shows I like are the kinds that make me feel better about myself through the art of judging.

My love of judging probably comes as a shock to those of you who know me. The secret lives we lead, right?

I personally don’t choose to watch shows like the aforementioned Jersey Shore. I want my reality television to trick me into thinking I’m watching a documentary. Makes me feel all classy-like.

Everyone has their own reality show sleaze-threshold. Mine cuts off right around any show involving a half ton man. I eat those types of shows up, so to speak, but I feel bad in the process.

Whatever your style of reality show, it will always contain some element of what I call the “Freak Show Factor.” We watch these people struggle and fail and make fools of themselves. And because of the freak show factor even the kindest one among us has had a moment of “I’m glad that’s not me.”

The Germans even have a word for this. They call it schadenfreude. The definition being: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. ~Shocking that the German people would go to the effort a creating a specific word for something so insensitive and cruel.~

If I were more thorough this is where I would insert some sort of information about the psychological principle behind all this. But I think you’re just as capable of using Google as I am.

So what is the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? We’re only human. Sometimes you just can’t fight nature. At least we’re cultured enough to feel bad about our schadenfreude. Or at least pretend that we do.

When It’s Okay to Say, “That’s So Gay”

Oh, Public Service Announcements. We know them so well. Created by The Ad Council, some of the most famous – and relentlessly mocked – PSA slogans include “A Mind is a Terrible Thing to  Waste” and “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires.”

Hey Ad Council! What if we’re wasting the mind of someone who causes forest fires? Exactly.

One of the council’s current campaigns focuses on the negative connotation of the phrase “that’s so gay.”  These particular PSA’s are a collaboration between The Ad Council and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network.

The campaign’s commercials feature “celebrities” such as Wanda Sykes and Hillary Duff (~well-known gay rights activist~) confronting unsuspecting teenagers as they use the phrase “that’s so gay.”

The campaign hopes that people will stop and think what they’re really implying when they say “that’s so gay.”

For those of you who don’t know, I am the queen of the gays (yeah, you heard me Kathy Griffin). I love them and they love me. So I am all for fighting against discrimination and preventing the bullying of gay teens. However, this campaign has overlooked one critical fact: sometimes you just have to say “That’s So Gay.”

I got in trouble recently with one of my gays for saying “That’s so gay.” What was I describing? Something super gay.

When I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and one of the contestants does a pirouette during the lip-sync for their life, how am I supposed to describe that? When a designer on Project Runway screams “Where the HELL is my chiffon?” what do you want me to say?

The most concise and accurate response is simply “That’s so gay.”

Some people use the term to be intentionally malicious or hateful while others use it with complete ignorance. When I say “that’s so gay” I say it with the utmost love and respect.

In fact, why can’t we decide to use “that’s so gay” to describe positive things? If you find a $5 bill on the street, proclaim “That’s so gay!” When your friend tells you they’re engaged, scream “That’s so gay!” The next time your boyfriend is excited that he bought some fabulous shoes on sale, tell him “that’s so gay.”

The point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make is that intent is more important than words. People can say some horrible, hateful, evil things without using a single slur or profanity.

And sometimes things are just super, mega gay and “that’s so gay” is the most eloquent description that can be used.

How Do I Get That Crappy 70’s Look?


Technology today is amazing. We can carry around 20,000 songs in our pocket, watch 3D movies in our home and we have the internet at our fingertips every moment of the day. We have all the tools we need to never have to interact with another human being face-to-face ever again. It’s magical.

Photography is an example of a medium that advances drastically with each passing year. Digital photography has revolutionized the way we take, keep and display pictures. Most family memories are kept in a folder in a computer hard drive instead of in a shoebox in the closet. The majority of us now carry a camera with us at all times (as the poor individuals on PeopleofWalmart.com can attest… or they could attest if they owned computers).

Even picture frames are digital now. Heaven forbid we have an attention span long enough to put one picture in a frame. Must. Have. Constant. Stimulation.

This year Hasselblad came out with a 200-megapixel camera that can be yours for the low, low price of $45,000. 200-megapixels? No one needs to be seen with that kind of clarity.

While most of us don’t have a 200-megapixel camera at our disposal, even the camera on my iPhone is 5-megapixels. The digital camera I bought a couple years ago was only 8-megapixels.

So even our phones can take amazing, clear, beautiful pictures. How can we best utilize these amazing advancements? I know! Let’s make our photos look like they were taken by a cheap 70’s camera and then stored in the pages of an acid laden photo album for 40 years.

Apps like Instagram and Hipstamatic give smartphone users the ability to add all kinds of filters and effects to their photos. For those of you who aren’t tech savvy, let me give you an analogy of the effect you get with a photo filter: it’s like buying a new pair of jeans, throwing them in a mud puddle and ripping them into shreds because you feel it adds “character.” Oh, wait! That is a current fashion trend. But I digress.

In the spirit of full discretion I have to admit that I love crap-a-fying my photos. Overexpose? Yes please. Add a lens flare? Don’t mind if I do. Fade all the colors? Indubitably. Crisp, color photos are boring.

So what is the point this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Sometimes technological advancements don’t equal advancements in entertainment or artistic expression.

Actually, that’s not really my point. The real point I’m trying to make is that we don’t all need to be photographed with amazing digital clarity and crispness. If I don’t have a photo retoucher at my disposal 24/7 then I might as well just overexpose the hell out of my pictures and throw a nice grunge filter over it. Amazing how my complexion clears right up.

Yesterday Was Thursday, Today is Friday

Teen singer Rebecca Black got a lot of criticism for her song, Friday. And why wouldn’t she? The song was ridiculous. With lyrics like “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards” and “we, we, we so excited.” Lyrics to a song couldn’t get much more moronic and juvenile. Or could they…

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the mind numbing song selections available on our local Top 40 station. I heard a song that I rationalized could only be a spoof of Black’s song Friday. ~The hosts of the morning zoo are skilled at parody and hilariously funny.~ This was probably a replay of one of their “bits.”

Here is a sample of the lyrics to this mystery song:

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

…

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Slowly I made the horrible realization that this was a “real song.” Even more horribly, it turns out the song is by the 27-year-old singer Katy Perry.

“Whoa! People are going to make so much fun of this song,” I thought to myself.

But to my surprise I’ve seen nothing about this song. Where are the articles making fun of its idiotic subject matter? Why doesn’t my Facebook feed explode with statuses quoting Perry’s stupid lyrics every Friday? This is a grown-ass woman singing about getting hickies and using the term “epic fail” (without the slightest hint of sarcasm) and no one raises an eyebrow.

The answer to this conundrum is simple: most popular music is stupid and the majority of people just don’t want to admit it.

I have no problem with stupid music. It’s enjoyable. All in all, music should be fun. If it has a good beat and you can dance to it, I say more power to you.

It’s just an interesting line between what constitutes a laughably stupid pop song, and a legitimate pop song (if there is such a thing). Black’s song Friday has gotten stuck in my head more times than I care to admit, but I can’t remember Perry’s Last Friday Night even if I try. So which song is the real joke, America?

The advice that this snarky self-helper is giving to you is just to accept that every pop song you like is dumb and be okay with that. Life’s too short to be a music snob.

So go out and have fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is.

I’m Not Old, You’re Incompetent

The horror. Oh, the horror!

Sorry, I got ahead of myself. Let me take a moment to set a scene for you.

You’re in the checkout line of your local grocery store getting ready to purchase your adult beverage of choice. You’ve carefully thrown some additional items into the mix so it doesn’t look like you went to the store just to buy booze. Everyone knows that you want your shopping selection to have that “I just noticed the alcohol while I was shopping for my groceries” feel. It’s just the classy thing to do.

As you begin to check out, the pimple-faced 12-year-old working the register asks you if you found everything alright. You answer politely “yes,” even though you’re thinking “why the hell would someone wait until they started checking out to ask where to find something?”

Since you’re a courteous shopper, you politely get your I.D. ready to hand to him. The sign does say that they card anyone who looks under 40-years-old after all.

The adolescent cashier finishes ringing up your items, looks at you and says “Your total is…”

Oh… no… he… didn’t.

In a humiliated panic you try to subtly put your ID back into its slot in your wallet. You attempt to cover this catastrophe by pretending that you’re getting out your credit card, but you can tell everyone is looking at you and laughing. Laughing at your smug delusion. “Ha! She thinks she looks 19,” they think to themselves.

There has to be some reason for this blatant oversight. The explanation is not an easy one to accept, but there is only one logical answer: he’s incompetent.

Here’s a little tip from this snarky self-helper to all the cashiers of the world: always ask a woman for ID. Trust me, it’s for the betterment of society as a whole.

Fat America, Skinny Jeans: The Fashion Industry is Just Pranking Us, Right?

America has a weight problem. Approximately one-third of U.S adults are currently obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. BAM! I just used my journalism degree more in those two sentences than I have since I graduated. But I digress. If there is one thing that doesn’t belong in a blog, it’s any knowledge of how to write.

But seriously, we all know America is fat. Anyone who went to The Ohio State Fair this year can attest to that. America’s weight problem is far from a secret. So what do the brain-washing geniuses of the fashion industry decide to make the current trends? Skinny jeans, white jeans, leggings, jeggings (the ultra flattering combination of a jean and legging) and my go-to favorite the romper. What do all of these things have in common? They are not made for the majority of American women.

According to a 2004 survey entitled SizeUSA, the average American woman is a size 14. I used a survey from 2004 because it was the first one I found and I didn’t feel like searching any further. This isn’t the New York Times people (which coincidentally is where I found that statistic).

Let me reiterate that information for dramatic effect. The average American woman is a size 14. No one who is a size 14 should wear a romper. Well, no one who is over the age of 6 should wear a romper, but that’s a whole other blog entirely.

What a messed up country we live in that some of the biggest fashion trends are also the most unflattering that a plus-sized woman could possibly wear. I use the term “plus-sized” even though it is completely out-of-date. People generally still use the term “plus-sized” for women over a size 8. Nowadays a size 20 would be a more appropriate representation of a woman who is “plus-sized.”

The point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make is that trends are not for everyone. In fact, they’re usually for no one (rompers people, rompers). Your friends aren’t going to tell you that you can’t pull off those white jeggings, but I will. Hey you there. If you’re over a size 6, you can’t pull off white jeggings.

This fact may seem obvious, but if you go walk around Target right this moment (I love Target), you will see plenty of women who didn’t have a friend to tell them that they should never have bought that floral romper.

I’m your only real friend, ladies. You remember that.