15 (More) Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

There’s a popular article going around of the 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. Here is a list of 15 more things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier… snarky style.

1. Give Up The Need to Have Everyone Like You: It is impossible to make everyone like you, but more importantly, it says something about you as a person if you feel the need for everyone to be your friend. Do you not have any of your own feelings or opinions? Because there are times in life when you have to stand up for yourself, and that usually makes an enemy or two along the way. A lot of people are also jerks or idiots. Why do you care if jerks or idiots like you? Are you a jerk or idiot?

2. Give Up Being a Health Nut: I legitimately cannot imagine spending my entire life counting calories and going to the gym 7 days a week. Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah, but there is a difference between keeping the flab under control and just being a freak about it. Going to the gym doesn’t make you invincible. You can still get hit by a bus. So have a damn cookie and maybe go out for drinks with your friends a couple of those gym nights.

3. Give Up Mean Bitches: We all know there are different types of bitches. I would never suggest giving up a funny bitch or a recreational bitch like myself. Dumb bitches are taken care of in #5 of this list. But mean bitches have got to go… them and their bitch faces.

4. Give Up Crocs: Seriously people. I have never seen an uglier piece of clothing. You might as well wear a sign saying “I’ve given up on myself.”

5. Give Up Dumbasses: Man, people are stupid. I mean, it’s stunning sometimes. And if you have a job where you deal with the general public, it can completely ruin your faith in the future of humanity. So do your best to cut all dumbasses out of your personal life if possible. Your faith in humanity will greatly improve. Well, as long as you also avoid all reality TV and any local or national news.

6. Give Up Your Faith in The Youth of America: Have you seen this? Seriously? WTF?

7. Give Up Whoever You’re Pining Over: Either they’ve never loved you or they don’t love you anymore. Either way, give it up. You look pathetic.

8. Give Up The Idea That Your Childhood Dreams Will Come True: You’re not going to be any of the following: Princess, Astronaut, Cowboy, Race Car Driver, Ballerina or a Lion Tamer. Quite frankly, it was irresponsible of your parents to ever lead you to believe you could be anything you wanted. That’s borderline child abuse right there.

9. Give Up Not Complaining: Life gets annoying. Pretending everything is great all the time and never having a gripe about anything will eventually land you in a looney bin all tied up in a straight jacket, giggling uncontrollably and talking like Ned Flanders. When something is annoying, find a friend and bitch about it. Note: There IS a limit to how much you can bitch about any one subject, so make sure to spice up your bitching. Choose a variety of topics to keep things fresh. The addition of alcohol makes any bitch session better.

10. Give Up Feeling Like You Can’t Say No: People pleasers make me puke. Grow a freaking backbone. You cannot spend your life saying yes to everyone and everything. Well, actually, I take that back. You go ahead and keep doing that because people like me need someone to shove all the crappy duties of life off onto. And if you don’t value yourself enough to take a stance, then I don’t mind walking all over you.

11. Give Up Your Myspace Account: Are you kidding? Who the hell still has a Myspace account? Hold on, let me hit you up on Friendster.

12. Give Up People Who Aren’t Worth Your Time: Friends are fun, but not all friends are forever. Do you have that person who you text all the time, but never replies? After about the 12th time, you can’t pretend it’s your phone malfunctioning. That bitch is ignoring you. You can safely end the friendship knowing you tried your best. And that your former good friend is a bitch face.

13. Give Up Bacon: I’m just kidding. Bacon is delicious. Eat up.

14. Give Up Pants With Writing On The Butt: No. NO! You are either too young, or too old to have “juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass. Either you’re a pre-teen and it’s freaking jail bait, or you’re over 16 and it’s just sad. Quit. You quit that right now.

15. Give Up Trying to Make Social Change on Facebook: No matter how many times you tell me to “re-post” your idiotic status, I’m not going to do it. Mass “awareness” statuses could make me hate the cause of puppies born without eyes if I see the moronic status enough. Oh, and side note: everyone is aware of breast cancer. We can stop having secret coded messages to raise awareness. How about we just start fighting for a cure? The “awareness” is at its peak. Have you ever met someone who didn’t know about breast cancer? Case and point.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

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16 Reasons People Are Still Planning to Vote for Drumpf

Sure, he doesn’t have any actual political experience and he bankrupted nearly every company he’s ever owned. Yeah, he started a literal scam “university” that destroyed people’s lives and stole all their money. Anyone who has ever heard the man talk or even just heard ABOUT what the man says would obviously know he has no business having any kind of political power.

And yet, it seems there are a shocking number of people planning to vote for him. This has left many of us asking ourself “why?” (well, it’s actually left a lot of us thinking “what the actual fuck is wrong with people?” but we don’t want to offend anyone with that kind of language).

While we may never truly understand the minds of these bizarre creatures, we can make some educated guesses on what types of personalities and life circumstances these idiots… I’m sorry, I mean people may have in common.

The next time you see a beat up truck blast past you on the highway with their confederate flag decals and “Make America Great Again” bumpersticker and wonder what literal type of brain damage that person must have, consider this list of possible reasons they’re choosing to support Drumpf:

  1. They’re racist.
  2. They’re sexist.
  3. They’re really, really racist.
  4. Combover fetish.
  5. They’ve been stockpiling zombie apocalypse supplies and are getting anxious to use them.
  6. They inherited a bomb shelter from their uncle (probably racist) so they’re feeling a little too confident about their ability to survive WWIII.
  7. They hate themselves.
  8. They hate America.
  9. They love America, but only that fake, movie version from the 1950’s where women happily do housework in heels and you only see a black person if they’re tap dancing.
  10. They like a man that “tells it like it is.”
  11. They don’t know the difference between being an asshole and “telling it like it is.”
  12. They love mansplaining.
  13. They love having someone mansplain to them.
  14. They’ve been in a coma since 2005 and LOVED The Apprentice (and like, haven’t had any time to do any research and obviously assume that since then Trump has had a lot of political experience because there is no way he’d be up for President based on being the host of a reality TV show and owning lots of tall, shiny buildings).
  15. They’re very, very rich (but also racist).
  16. No, but seriously, we all know they’re just hardcore racist with a huge helping of sexist thrown in.

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Use your brain. Care about the well-being of other people (even the ones that are different than you). Don’t base your decisions on fear and anger. Register to vote.

 

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How to Make Almond Milk

Step 1.

Don’t.

Step 2.

Seriously? Why?

Step 3. 

Do you really have the time and patience to make your own almond milk? That’s amazing. But… have you heard of television, though? It’s this magical light up rectangle that sits in your house and tells you stories. More importantly, it will keep you from wanting to milk an almond.

Step 4. 

You know you can just buy almond milk, right?

Step 5. 

How about books? They’re the slower, more boring version of TV that takes up a lot of time and makes your eyes tired. If you have the patience for making almond milk, books might be right up your alley.

Step 6. 

Where do you even find the nipple on an almond?

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Making your own food is great, but there has to be a line, right? Life is too short to milk an almond.

PS: If you came here to find out how to actually make almond milk, here’s how. The first step is to soak the almonds for two days. Yep, that’s a ~great~ use of your time.

 

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30 Facts About 30

“Age is just a number.” False. If that were true my knee wouldn’t make a popping sound when I sit down.

Here are 30 undeniable facts about turning the terrifying thirty.

  1. 30 sucks.
  2. 30 is awesome.
  3. Your perception of turning 30 depends entirely on where you are in your life and how much you’ve “achieved.”
  4. “Achievement” is entirely based on your gender. If you’re a 30-year-old woman, you should be married/engaged and have a child/plans for children very soon.
  5. You’re no longer allowed to be “figuring life out.” You should have your shit together.
  6. You’re expected to have a good job, have a good relationship and own a suit.
  7. Most 30-year-olds are still “figuring life out.”
  8. If you’ve done life right, your alcohol tolerance at 30 is far greater than it was at 25.
  9. Your Facebook feed becomes overrun with pictures of babies… and you post a few yourself.
  10. There are athletes younger than you that can realistically have competed in 3 Olympic games.
  11. You’ll never make a “30 Under 30” list.
  12. You’re not the youngest in your group of friends anymore.
  13. You’re not the youngest at work anymore.
  14. You’re not the youngest anywhere anymore.
    You lose all ability to perceive the age of people younger than you.
  15. You refuse to accept the age of people only a few years older than you.
  16. You remember how OLD 30 sounded when you were a teenager.
  17. You’re not allowed to complain about being 30 to anyone in their 40’s.
  18. Your memory starts going and you often tell the same stories to the same people over and over.
  19. You’ve known your friends long enough that they won’t hesitate to tell you that you’re old, and forgetful, and have told them the same story over and over again.
  20. You notice that a lot of things matter a lot less. Things that would have ruined your whole day at 22 don’t even affect you at 30.
  21. You notice a lot of things matter a lot more. You know life is short and precious and you start to get your priorities straight.
  22. You are much better at standing up for yourself and people who mess with you better watch the hell out.
  23. If you’re lucky, you can officially say you’ve been friends with someone 10 or 20 years. That is an awesome feeling.
  24. When you think of the mid-1990’s, you still think of them as about 10 years ago.
  25. When you were a kid, Nick at Nite was I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Taxi.
  26. You’re horrified that Nick at Nite is now Roseanne, Full House and Friends.
  27. You’re even more horrified that Marge and Homer, and Dan and Roseanne were only a few years older than you are now… and they each had three kids.
  28. You used to think it was impressive that you knew every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. You now realize everyone your age knows every word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
  29. You can honestly say you know yourself better than you ever have.
  30. You’ve convinced yourself that with modern medicine, 30 is the new 20. And if you look at pictures of people your age from the 1950’s, you might just be right.
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PHSD – Pre-Halloween Stress Disorder

It’s almost Halloween. That means this time last year you were screaming “next year will be different” while sobbing into the used lingerie rack at a thrift store. 

But alas, Halloween is one week away and that slutty Mr. Potato Head costume option is looking better and better. 

This is the time of year when Google’s top Halloween search terms go from “fun costumes” and “cute couple costumes” to things like “last minute costume ideas,” “how to make a costume out of a sack” and “sweet baby Buddha I need a f&*%ing costume NOW!”

People always talk about the stress of “the holidays.” The dread of spending Thanksgiving being hit on by crazy “Uncle” Charlie or maxing out five credit cards at Christmas buying 100 memberships to the Sausage of the Month Club. But what about Halloween?

More than any other holiday, Halloween comes with the pressure to be “clever.” You’ve got to come up with a clever costume, carve a clever pumpkin, write clever things on your fake Styrofoam tombstones. Here’s a fun fact: most people aren’t clever. Way to point out how lame people are, Halloween. That’s a bitch move right there.

At least Beggar’s Night is nothing but fun with all those adorable little princesses and ninjas carrying their tiny plastic pumpkins. That’s until a 17-year-old football player in a ski mask shows up trying to get free candy. Tell me any other time of year when roving bands of teenagers in masks trying to get you to give them free things is a fun family event. October 31: good holiday fun. November 1: turn off the lights and call the cops.

The practice of leaving decapitated, decomposing produce all over the house is a whole other can of crazy. If you had a neighbor who liked to carve human faces into Papayas and then leave them on his porch, I doubt you’d be strolling over to ask for a cup of sugar. 

Luckily we have soothing, feel-good holiday movies like Halloween, The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 89 to calm our nerves. Weeks on end of watching 20-somethings be skinned alive is just plain good for the soul.

What’s the point that is Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Relax. Halloween is super fun. If you’re feeling too stressed out, go stare at the Christmas light display that’s been at Target since September. Then eat a bag of Kit Kats. When the real zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll miss those Pocahottie costumes. 

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14 Reality TV Life Lessons

People claim that reality television is just mindless drivel that is causing the downfall of America. But if you really pay attention, you’ll find that every hoarder and child beauty queen is teaching us a valuable lesson about life, love and the pathway to inner peace. At the very least it can make you feel better about not being romantically involved with your car.

Here is a list (cause you people love lists) of 14 Real Reality TV Life Lessons:

1. If You’re Rich, You’re a Horrible, Horrible Person (My Super Sweet 16, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta, New York, Beverly Hills, Miami and Orange County): Might as well just call all of them the Real Housewives of HELL! I mean, I can take a certain amount of cringe-worthy television, but these are too much even for me. Maybe it says something about my personality that I’ll watch a homeless 19-year-old shoot heroin for hours, but I can’t take two seconds of a 15 3/4-year-old complain that she wants a Porsche for her birthday, not the crappy Mercedes (my apologies to rich people, I honestly don’t know if you’d consider a Porsche better than a Mercedes).

2. You Should Throw Away Everything In Your House (Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive): A Hoarders marathon is a dangerous thing. About 10 minutes into the 2nd episode I’m ready to toss everything in my house into the garbage. Obviously the fact that I have a box with old newspaper articles I’ve written and my 3rd Grade craft project means I’m just about one step closer to poop in a bag. It’s a logical jump. At least as logical as thinking you’ll need that TV Guide from 1984 again someday. Although, I can understand their fear. What if you need to look up that one actor’s name from Charles in Charge after the zombie apocalypse when all computers, phones and nerds are gone?

3. Never Throw Anything Away, It Could Be Worth Money Someday (Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn, American Pickers): Those hoarders are nuts! So anyway, you were telling me about that $100,000 coin you found in a box in your grandmother’s attic?

4. Man-Whores are okay, but Woman-Whores are Pathetic Sluts (The Bachelor/The Bachelorette): You ever hear people talk about these shows? There is such outrage when the Bachelorette goes and makes out with a couple guys in one night. If the Bachelor makes out with two girls, people wonder why he didn’t make out with five. See a little double standard here? It’s 2012 people. There should be equal standards; everyone on reality TV is a ho.

5. People With British Accents Can Get Away With Anything (Super Nanny, Kitchen Nightmares, American Idol, America’s Got Talent): There is something deeply engrained in we Americans that makes us just accept (and maybe even enjoy) British people verbally abusing us. And yes, I know Gordon Ramsey is Scottish, but most of us don’t know any better. If the idiots on Jersey Shore hailed from Fingringhoe or Cockshoot Close (yes, those are real) then we’d find them ever so bloody charming, wouldn’t we mate?

6. The General Public Knows Nothing About Talent (American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance): Why do we leave these decisions in the hands of the general public? Sure, we let them decide menial things like who runs our city, state and country, but there is $100,000 and a recording contract at stake here! People know nothing about who’s pitchy, dawg! Also, the fact that someone had a semi sad childhood (i.e. was maybe lower-middle class) doesn’t automatically mean they’re a better singer.

7: Schadenfreude is Alive and Well (Intervention, Addicted, The Biggest Loser): Sorry, Bob Harper, but no matter how much it ticks you off, I’m not going to stop eating pizza and ice cream while I watch a morbidly obese person pass out after the first time they’ve ever worked out. People take joy in things like that. People watch Intervention for the same reason they watch auto racing; they want to see someone crash and burn.

8: Overpopulating the Earth is Very Entertaining (19 Kids and Counting, Jon and Kate Plus 8): That crazy Duggar woman has said she doesn’t believe in overpopulation. ~Shocking~ To be honest, this really should be put under #7 because I’m pretty sure people just watch this show to feel better about not having a whole litter of children.

9: Super Boring Family Crap is Somehow Entertaining With Little People (Little People, Big World, The Little Couple): Going to the dentist? Boring. A little person going to the dentist? Oh, the adventure! Small in stature means big in entertainment! Hey, I should work in marketing.

10: People Are So Freaking Stupid (I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant): I don’t even know if this show is still on. I could research it, but then my browser history would forever show that I searched “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Either way, I just felt this needed its own special category of idiocy. And the stupid ones aren’t just on the show, they’re also the people who have watched more than one episode. How many times can you hear about a woman giving birth on a toilet?

11: What the F*&$ Is Wrong With People? (My Strange Addiction): If there is one thing reality TV has taught us, it’s that there are some seriously messed up people in this world. But this show wins the crazy prize. A guy who is dating his car (and when I say dating, I mean DATING), a woman who snorts baby powder and a chick who drinks gasoline are all at least watchable. But the woman drinking her own urine almost made me vomit. I got through about 10 seconds of her explaining the different flavors and I had to turn it off. I’m going to stop talking about it now because I’m about to puke again…

12: You’re Not A Professional Blower-Upper Guy (Mythbusters, Jackass): They all have the same basic warning that you shouldn’t blow stuff up, but they can. But what made them professionals at blowing stuff up? Doing it a lot and filming it. So kids, get to it…

13. Every Woman In America is Planning a Wedding at All Times… or Wishes She Was. (Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss etc): It is kind of amazing how many ways you can make a white dress. But any woman who claims she doesn’t watch these shows and picture herself in every dress is lying.

14. It’s Never Too Early to Start Teaching Girls That Looks Are All That Matters (Toddlers and Tiaras): When asked why they put their daughters in pageants, the mothers always have the same response “Pageants prepare my daughter for life. People are judged by their looks.” Oh, really? Tell me more, woman in the leopard print leggings and over-sized Disney t-shirt. Maybe comb your hair and put on some lip gloss before you tell me about the great life lessons your 5-year-old is getting from her spray tan and eyebrow waxing.

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10 Reasons The Avengers Sucks

Yeah, I’ve heard all about it. How The Avengers is the most awesome movie ever made and broke the box office record for opening weekend ticket sales. The movie full-on Hulk Smashed nearly every other film ever made. Well, I’m here to tell you why The Avengers sucks!

10. Real Life Blows Now… Even More So: Did you see The Avengers yet? Well, if you’re one of the five people who haven’t, good luck going to work the next day. As if Mondays weren’t boring enough, this week I was forced to have the awesomeness that is The Avengers in my brain while I was emptying the used coffee filter.

9. Scarlett Johansson’s Rear End: Damn gurl, how’d you fit all of that in them jeans, them jeans, how’d you fit all of that in them… yes, I know Black Widow doesn’t wear jeans and yes, those are the lyrics to a real song. But still, did you see that close up of her hind quarters? Way to make 99% of all other women’s butts look super lame.

8. The Inflation of Nerd Egos: As if the world’s obsession with technology hadn’t given nerds enough of an ego boost, now it’s cool to like comic book heroes. Great. Next thing you know people will be judged on their intelligence and not their looks.

7. Blonde Guys: I have never liked blonde guys. Yuck. Tall dark and handsome all the way for me, thank you. But stupid Avengers had to go and make those blonde guys hot. But you listen to me, world! Just because Chris Hemsworth (Thor) can pull it off better not mean that the Fabio look comes back in style. Wait, was that ever in style?

6. The Hulk Is Cool: I live my life knowing certain undeniable truths. Pizza is delicious, Glee sucks and The Hulk movies were ridiculously lame. Now The Avengers has to go and make me love The Hulk. I’m already dealing with my newfound love of blonde guys, I don’t need to add giant green men with anger management issues to my list of totally hot hotties.

5. People are annoying: People are even more annoying when you’re forced to share an armrest with them. I want the experience of a blockbuster movie without all those pesky people. And who is the sadist that put hard little candies in a cardboard box? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that obnoxious people take those boxes as a challenge to be the most annoying. Now there is a game no one can win.

4. Romantic Schmorantic: Now I can never watch The Notebook again. Wait… I never wanted to watch The Notebook again anyway. Well, regardless, I’ll take epic battles for the survival of all mankind over the fate of whiny girl and lovelorn guy. Buh-bye Romanic Comedies. I’m so over you.

3.Cleveland Rocks: All the work that the Browns, Cavs and Indians have done to make Cleveland feel like crap and now The Avengers comes in and gives them a sliver of happiness. Watching the faces of Cleveland natives light up when they see their city being blown apart is just disgusting. LeBron people, Lebron. Know your place, Cleveland.

2. Forcing Me to Like Things: I pride myself on disliking things. How DARE you make me like you Avengers. For shame. You go cuddle your hundreds of millions of dollars and think about what you’ve done.

1. Butt Loads of Cash and Time: Good grief. You can’t just be happy with the $50 I’ve already given you, can you Avengers? Now you are going to force hours upon hours more of entertainment on me over the coming years. Sequels to basically every movie that preceded The Avengers and the inevitable Avengers sequel. Ugh.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Thor can swing his giant hammer my way any day. I mean… boo Avengers.