30 Facts About 30

“Age is just a number.” False. If that were true my knee wouldn’t make a popping sound when I sit down.

Here are 30 undeniable facts about turning the terrifying thirty.

  1. 30 sucks.
  2. 30 is awesome.
  3. Your perception of turning 30 depends entirely on where you are in your life and how much you’ve “achieved.”
  4. “Achievement” is entirely based on your gender. If you’re a 30-year-old woman, you should be married/engaged and have a child/plans for children very soon.
  5. You’re no longer allowed to be “figuring life out.” You should have your shit together.
  6. You’re expected to have a good job, have a good relationship and own a suit.
  7. Most 30-year-olds are still “figuring life out.”
  8. If you’ve done life right, your alcohol tolerance at 30 is far greater than it was at 25.
  9. Your Facebook feed becomes overrun with pictures of babies… and you post a few yourself.
  10. There are athletes younger than you that can realistically have competed in 3 Olympic games.
  11. You’ll never make a “30 Under 30” list.
  12. You’re not the youngest in your group of friends anymore.
  13. You’re not the youngest at work anymore.
  14. You’re not the youngest anywhere anymore.
    You lose all ability to perceive the age of people younger than you.
  15. You refuse to accept the age of people only a few years older than you.
  16. You remember how OLD 30 sounded when you were a teenager.
  17. You’re not allowed to complain about being 30 to anyone in their 40’s.
  18. Your memory starts going and you often tell the same stories to the same people over and over.
  19. You’ve known your friends long enough that they won’t hesitate to tell you that you’re old, and forgetful, and have told them the same story over and over again.
  20. You notice that a lot of things matter a lot less. Things that would have ruined your whole day at 22 don’t even affect you at 30.
  21. You notice a lot of things matter a lot more. You know life is short and precious and you start to get your priorities straight.
  22. You are much better at standing up for yourself and people who mess with you better watch the hell out.
  23. If you’re lucky, you can officially say you’ve been friends with someone 10 or 20 years. That is an awesome feeling.
  24. When you think of the mid-1990’s, you still think of them as about 10 years ago.
  25. When you were a kid, Nick at Nite was I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Taxi.
  26. You’re horrified that Nick at Nite is now Roseanne, Full House and Friends.
  27. You’re even more horrified that Marge and Homer, and Dan and Roseanne were only a few years older than you are now… and they each had three kids.
  28. You used to think it was impressive that you knew every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. You now realize everyone your age knows every word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
  29. You can honestly say you know yourself better than you ever have.
  30. You’ve convinced yourself that with modern medicine, 30 is the new 20. And if you look at pictures of people your age from the 1950’s, you might just be right.
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