halloween

The 7 Deadly – or Semi-Annoying – Sins of Halloween

Everyone knows that Christmas is the holiday of meaningful life-lessons, dancing cartoon dogs and spending a month pretending you’re going to become a better person, but Halloween can be just as poignant. Below are seven ways this magical season can bring out the best of the worst in all of us:
womens-catch-me-honey-costume#7: Lower the lust quotient, ladies. Hey, Skanky McBooberson! You’re not fooling anyone with your sexy Pikachu costume (gotta catch ’em all takes on a whole new meaning when your boobs are hanging out). Combining an innocent childhood character with hooker heels and a push-up bra doesn’t counteract the slut-quotient. If anything it just confuses men and brings up their suppressed childhood feelings for Elmo.

#6: Free candy can bring out anyone’s gluttony. Admit that candy is delicious and you would easily steal it from a baby. In fact, you have. If you take your baby trick-or-treating and the pillowcase full of candy weighs more than the kid then you’re not fooling anyone. Just admit you’re going to eat all of the candy yourself and leave your 8-month-old in the wagon on the sidewalk. It saves everyone the time and effort of you spending five minutes waddling them up the steps and trying to get them to say “twick-ow-tweat.” Adorable… now move it along I’ve got teenagers in a hockey mask who need a Reese’s cup.

#5: The wrath of the haunted house is hilarious. Yes, it is funny to see your friends almost wet themselves. BFF or not, watching a chainsaw wielding maniac make your friends squeal like a little girl is just plain good entertainment. They have a heart condition you say? That just adds to the potential hilarity factor.

#4: It’s easy to embrace your sloth side when choosing a costume. Deodorant. Check. Milk. Check. Halloween costume. Check. Remember the days when people used to put thought and effort into their Halloween costumes? Or was that just me because poor kids are forced to be creative? Either way, nowadays you can just grab a plastic bag with a plastic costume in the aisle next to the plastic bags. $5 worth of fabric and labor for the low price of $59.99. Make sure to pick up some Christmas lights while you’re there. They’re on the next shelf over.

#3: Have a little pride in your costume. The “funny” section of the costume shop should just have a giant flashing arrow that says “Douche bags! Shop here!” I want to tell guys that it’s not even remotely funny to dress up like a giant sperm superhero named “Super Sperm” (I can’t imagine the hours it took to think up that name), an unkempt female lifeguard called “Anita Waxin” (your mind must be racing right now to picture that one) or “The Shocker” (yes, it is exactly what you think). However, I can’t direct men away from these costumes because I like knowing where the idiots are. It’s like giving them a name tag that says “Hi my name is Douche Face. Steer clear.”

#2: Company greed isn’t just for Christmas. Sure, Christmas decorations start showing up in October, but over the past few years, Halloween has started creeping into stores next to Back-to-School supplies. Halloween is now the second biggest money-making holiday after Christmas. Which is great, because Americans need another excuse for excessive spending. So gather round the Halloween tree, kids! It’s time to celebrate spending hundreds of dollars on an outfit we’re only going to wear once (just getting them ready for their wedding day, I suppose).

#1: We like to watch people in situations no one would envy. Watching murder and torture to celebrate a holiday? Fun. I know there is nothing more relaxing to me than curling up under a blanket and watching a woman get disemboweled. Pass the candy corn. Actually, don’t. Candy corn couldn’t even be made more disgusting by a attached-to-the-end-of-a-human-centipede situation.

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Halloween is the best holiday. Obviously.

PHSD – Pre-Halloween Stress Disorder

It’s almost Halloween. That means this time last year you were screaming “next year will be different” while sobbing into the used lingerie rack at a thrift store. 

But alas, Halloween is one week away and that slutty Mr. Potato Head costume option is looking better and better. 

This is the time of year when Google’s top Halloween search terms go from “fun costumes” and “cute couple costumes” to things like “last minute costume ideas,” “how to make a costume out of a sack” and “sweet baby Buddha I need a f&*%ing costume NOW!”

People always talk about the stress of “the holidays.” The dread of spending Thanksgiving being hit on by crazy “Uncle” Charlie or maxing out five credit cards at Christmas buying 100 memberships to the Sausage of the Month Club. But what about Halloween?

More than any other holiday, Halloween comes with the pressure to be “clever.” You’ve got to come up with a clever costume, carve a clever pumpkin, write clever things on your fake Styrofoam tombstones. Here’s a fun fact: most people aren’t clever. Way to point out how lame people are, Halloween. That’s a bitch move right there.

At least Beggar’s Night is nothing but fun with all those adorable little princesses and ninjas carrying their tiny plastic pumpkins. That’s until a 17-year-old football player in a ski mask shows up trying to get free candy. Tell me any other time of year when roving bands of teenagers in masks trying to get you to give them free things is a fun family event. October 31: good holiday fun. November 1: turn off the lights and call the cops.

The practice of leaving decapitated, decomposing produce all over the house is a whole other can of crazy. If you had a neighbor who liked to carve human faces into Papayas and then leave them on his porch, I doubt you’d be strolling over to ask for a cup of sugar. 

Luckily we have soothing, feel-good holiday movies like Halloween, The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 89 to calm our nerves. Weeks on end of watching 20-somethings be skinned alive is just plain good for the soul.

What’s the point that is Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Relax. Halloween is super fun. If you’re feeling too stressed out, go stare at the Christmas light display that’s been at Target since September. Then eat a bag of Kit Kats. When the real zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll miss those Pocahottie costumes.