Do you really have the time and patience to make your own almond milk? That’s amazing. But… have you heard of television, though? It’s this magical light up rectangle that sits in your house and tells you stories. More importantly, it will keep you from wanting to milk an almond.
Step 4.
You know you can just buy almond milk, right?
Step 5.
How about books? They’re the slower, more boring version of TV that takes up a lot of time and makes your eyes tired. If you have the patience for making almond milk, books might be right up your alley.
Step 6.
Where do you even find the nipple on an almond?
So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Making your own food is great, but there has to be a line, right? Life is too short to milk an almond.
PS: If you came here to find out how to actually make almond milk, here’s how. The first step is to soak the almonds for two days. Yep, that’s a ~great~ use of your time.
It’s almost Halloween. That means this time last year you were screaming “next year will be different” while sobbing into the used lingerie rack at a thrift store.
But alas, Halloween is one week away and that slutty Mr. Potato Head costume option is looking better and better.
This is the time of year when Google’s top Halloween search terms go from “fun costumes” and “cute couple costumes” to things like “last minute costume ideas,” “how to make a costume out of a sack” and “sweet baby Buddha I need a f&*%ing costume NOW!”
People always talk about the stress of “the holidays.” The dread of spending Thanksgiving being hit on by crazy “Uncle” Charlie or maxing out five credit cards at Christmas buying 100 memberships to the Sausage of the Month Club. But what about Halloween?
More than any other holiday, Halloween comes with the pressure to be “clever.” You’ve got to come up with a clever costume, carve a clever pumpkin, write clever things on your fake Styrofoam tombstones. Here’s a fun fact: most people aren’t clever. Way to point out how lame people are, Halloween. That’s a bitch move right there.
At least Beggar’s Night is nothing but fun with all those adorable little princesses and ninjas carrying their tiny plastic pumpkins. That’s until a 17-year-old football player in a ski mask shows up trying to get free candy. Tell me any other time of year when roving bands of teenagers in masks trying to get you to give them free things is a fun family event. October 31: good holiday fun. November 1: turn off the lights and call the cops.
The practice of leaving decapitated, decomposing produce all over the house is a whole other can of crazy. If you had a neighbor who liked to carve human faces into Papayas and then leave them on his porch, I doubt you’d be strolling over to ask for a cup of sugar.
Luckily we have soothing, feel-good holiday movies like Halloween, The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 89 to calm our nerves. Weeks on end of watching 20-somethings be skinned alive is just plain good for the soul.
What’s the point that is Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Relax. Halloween is super fun. If you’re feeling too stressed out, go stare at the Christmas light display that’s been at Target since September. Then eat a bag of Kit Kats. When the real zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll miss those Pocahottie costumes.
I have been known to occasionally overexaggerate things. What can I say? I like to use colorful language. I’m a storyteller at heart really, and I must entertain my audience. But there are times when I step back and realize just how silly most of us are in our word usage.
If something truly amazing ever happened to me I would have to make up a new mega-word to accurately describe the experience. Fantabudupertastic or Stupendabulous or something. When you use the word amazing to describe a deal you just got at Target, it takes a little bit of the power out of the word.
Let’s take a closer look at this theory:
“I just had the most AMAZING sandwich.”
a·maz·ing/əˈmāziNG/
Adjective:
Causing great surprise or wonder; astonishing.
Startlingly impressive.
So you’re saying you just had the most startlingly impressive sandwich that caused you great wonder. Holy crap! Did it have pickles?
“Those shoes are awesome.”
awe·some/ˈôsəm/
Adjective:
Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.
Extremely good; excellent.
If I ever see a daunting pair of shoes that gives me great inspiration, I’ll make sure to Instagram that mess for everyone to see.
These words are just a part of our day-to-day language at this point. Which is fine, I suppose it’s not causing anyone any harm. It is kind of sad when you think about it. I mean, are our lives THAT boring? Perhaps they are. Tragic really.
Tragic. Now there’s a funny word.
trag·ic/ˈtrajik/
Adjective:
Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.
Suffering extreme distress or sorrow.
People don’t technically misuse the word, they’re just idiots. If the death of a drug addicted billionaire who you’ve never met causes you extreme sorrow, you need to check yourself. Psssst! There are children starving to death all over the world without anyone giving a flying crap. A singer who had every resource possible and still chose to “crack” themselves to death isn’t tragic. At the very most it should conjur an “aw, shucks.”
So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? You’re all unbelievably, stunningly, profoundly and intensely overexaggerating everything. Drama queens. I would never do something like that.
People used to be so barbaric in their chosen forms of entertainment. There was a time when people would actually gather around the town gallows and watch others be hung to death for the sheer amusement.
I want to keep my posts fairly light-hearted in nature so I’m going to just ignore the fact that there are still places around the world that do this. Like most Americans I choose ignorance. Makes me feel less guilty when I’m bitching about traffic jams or how crowded it is at the mall.
Another entertainment pastime that was less morbid – but 100% politically incorrect – was the good old-fashioned freak show. Can you believe that people used to actually pay to stand and gawk at individuals with physical and mental disorders?
Oh, look! Jersey Shore is on…
As I’ve previously confessed, I love reality television. And I must admit that most of the reality shows I like are the kinds that make me feel better about myself through the art of judging.
My love of judging probably comes as a shock to those of you who know me. The secret lives we lead, right?
I personally don’t choose to watch shows like the aforementioned Jersey Shore. I want my reality television to trick me into thinking I’m watching a documentary. Makes me feel all classy-like.
Everyone has their own reality show sleaze-threshold. Mine cuts off right around any show involving a half ton man. I eat those types of shows up, so to speak, but I feel bad in the process.
Whatever your style of reality show, it will always contain some element of what I call the “Freak Show Factor.” We watch these people struggle and fail and make fools of themselves. And because of the freak show factor even the kindest one among us has had a moment of “I’m glad that’s not me.”
The Germans even have a word for this. They call it schadenfreude. The definition being: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. ~Shocking that the German people would go to the effort a creating a specific word for something so insensitive and cruel.~
If I were more thorough this is where I would insert some sort of information about the psychological principle behind all this. But I think you’re just as capable of using Google as I am.
So what is the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? We’re only human. Sometimes you just can’t fight nature. At least we’re cultured enough to feel bad about our schadenfreude. Or at least pretend that we do.
Teen singer Rebecca Black got a lot of criticism for her song, Friday. And why wouldn’t she? The song was ridiculous. With lyrics like “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards” and “we, we, we so excited.” Lyrics to a song couldn’t get much more moronic and juvenile. Or could they…
A couple weeks ago I was listening to the mind numbing song selections available on our local Top 40 station. I heard a song that I rationalized could only be a spoof of Black’s song Friday. ~The hosts of the morning zoo are skilled at parody and hilariously funny.~ This was probably a replay of one of their “bits.”
Here is a sample of the lyrics to this mystery song:
There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled
…
This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again
Slowly I made the horrible realization that this was a “real song.” Even more horribly, it turns out the song is by the 27-year-old singer Katy Perry.
“Whoa! People are going to make so much fun of this song,” I thought to myself.
But to my surprise I’ve seen nothing about this song. Where are the articles making fun of its idiotic subject matter? Why doesn’t my Facebook feed explode with statuses quoting Perry’s stupid lyrics every Friday? This is a grown-ass woman singing about getting hickies and using the term “epic fail” (without the slightest hint of sarcasm) and no one raises an eyebrow.
The answer to this conundrum is simple: most popular music is stupid and the majority of people just don’t want to admit it.
I have no problem with stupid music. It’s enjoyable. All in all, music should be fun. If it has a good beat and you can dance to it, I say more power to you.
It’s just an interesting line between what constitutes a laughably stupid pop song, and a legitimate pop song (if there is such a thing). Black’s song Friday has gotten stuck in my head more times than I care to admit, but I can’t remember Perry’s Last Friday Night even if I try. So which song is the real joke, America?
The advice that this snarky self-helper is giving to you is just to accept that every pop song you like is dumb and be okay with that. Life’s too short to be a music snob.
So go out and have fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is.
Snarky Self-Helper 
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