self help

How to Make Almond Milk

Step 1.

Don’t.

Step 2.

Seriously? Why?

Step 3. 

Do you really have the time and patience to make your own almond milk? That’s amazing. But… have you heard of television, though? It’s this magical light up rectangle that sits in your house and tells you stories. More importantly, it will keep you from wanting to milk an almond.

Step 4. 

You know you can just buy almond milk, right?

Step 5. 

How about books? They’re the slower, more boring version of TV that takes up a lot of time and makes your eyes tired. If you have the patience for making almond milk, books might be right up your alley.

Step 6. 

Where do you even find the nipple on an almond?

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Making your own food is great, but there has to be a line, right? Life is too short to milk an almond.

PS: If you came here to find out how to actually make almond milk, here’s how. The first step is to soak the almonds for two days. Yep, that’s a ~great~ use of your time.

 

14 Reality TV Life Lessons

People claim that reality television is just mindless drivel that is causing the downfall of America. But if you really pay attention, you’ll find that every hoarder and child beauty queen is teaching us a valuable lesson about life, love and the pathway to inner peace. At the very least it can make you feel better about not being romantically involved with your car.

Here is a list (cause you people love lists) of 14 Real Reality TV Life Lessons:

1. If You’re Rich, You’re a Horrible, Horrible Person (My Super Sweet 16, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta, New York, Beverly Hills, Miami and Orange County): Might as well just call all of them the Real Housewives of HELL! I mean, I can take a certain amount of cringe-worthy television, but these are too much even for me. Maybe it says something about my personality that I’ll watch a homeless 19-year-old shoot heroin for hours, but I can’t take two seconds of a 15 3/4-year-old complain that she wants a Porsche for her birthday, not the crappy Mercedes (my apologies to rich people, I honestly don’t know if you’d consider a Porsche better than a Mercedes).

2. You Should Throw Away Everything In Your House (Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive): A Hoarders marathon is a dangerous thing. About 10 minutes into the 2nd episode I’m ready to toss everything in my house into the garbage. Obviously the fact that I have a box with old newspaper articles I’ve written and my 3rd Grade craft project means I’m just about one step closer to poop in a bag. It’s a logical jump. At least as logical as thinking you’ll need that TV Guide from 1984 again someday. Although, I can understand their fear. What if you need to look up that one actor’s name from Charles in Charge after the zombie apocalypse when all computers, phones and nerds are gone?

3. Never Throw Anything Away, It Could Be Worth Money Someday (Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn, American Pickers): Those hoarders are nuts! So anyway, you were telling me about that $100,000 coin you found in a box in your grandmother’s attic?

4. Man-Whores are okay, but Woman-Whores are Pathetic Sluts (The Bachelor/The Bachelorette): You ever hear people talk about these shows? There is such outrage when the Bachelorette goes and makes out with a couple guys in one night. If the Bachelor makes out with two girls, people wonder why he didn’t make out with five. See a little double standard here? It’s 2012 people. There should be equal standards; everyone on reality TV is a ho.

5. People With British Accents Can Get Away With Anything (Super Nanny, Kitchen Nightmares, American Idol, America’s Got Talent): There is something deeply engrained in we Americans that makes us just accept (and maybe even enjoy) British people verbally abusing us. And yes, I know Gordon Ramsey is Scottish, but most of us don’t know any better. If the idiots on Jersey Shore hailed from Fingringhoe or Cockshoot Close (yes, those are real) then we’d find them ever so bloody charming, wouldn’t we mate?

6. The General Public Knows Nothing About Talent (American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance): Why do we leave these decisions in the hands of the general public? Sure, we let them decide menial things like who runs our city, state and country, but there is $100,000 and a recording contract at stake here! People know nothing about who’s pitchy, dawg! Also, the fact that someone had a semi sad childhood (i.e. was maybe lower-middle class) doesn’t automatically mean they’re a better singer.

7: Schadenfreude is Alive and Well (Intervention, Addicted, The Biggest Loser): Sorry, Bob Harper, but no matter how much it ticks you off, I’m not going to stop eating pizza and ice cream while I watch a morbidly obese person pass out after the first time they’ve ever worked out. People take joy in things like that. People watch Intervention for the same reason they watch auto racing; they want to see someone crash and burn.

8: Overpopulating the Earth is Very Entertaining (19 Kids and Counting, Jon and Kate Plus 8): That crazy Duggar woman has said she doesn’t believe in overpopulation. ~Shocking~ To be honest, this really should be put under #7 because I’m pretty sure people just watch this show to feel better about not having a whole litter of children.

9: Super Boring Family Crap is Somehow Entertaining With Little People (Little People, Big World, The Little Couple): Going to the dentist? Boring. A little person going to the dentist? Oh, the adventure! Small in stature means big in entertainment! Hey, I should work in marketing.

10: People Are So Freaking Stupid (I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant): I don’t even know if this show is still on. I could research it, but then my browser history would forever show that I searched “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Either way, I just felt this needed its own special category of idiocy. And the stupid ones aren’t just on the show, they’re also the people who have watched more than one episode. How many times can you hear about a woman giving birth on a toilet?

11: What the F*&$ Is Wrong With People? (My Strange Addiction): If there is one thing reality TV has taught us, it’s that there are some seriously messed up people in this world. But this show wins the crazy prize. A guy who is dating his car (and when I say dating, I mean DATING), a woman who snorts baby powder and a chick who drinks gasoline are all at least watchable. But the woman drinking her own urine almost made me vomit. I got through about 10 seconds of her explaining the different flavors and I had to turn it off. I’m going to stop talking about it now because I’m about to puke again…

12: You’re Not A Professional Blower-Upper Guy (Mythbusters, Jackass): They all have the same basic warning that you shouldn’t blow stuff up, but they can. But what made them professionals at blowing stuff up? Doing it a lot and filming it. So kids, get to it…

13. Every Woman In America is Planning a Wedding at All Times… or Wishes She Was. (Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss etc): It is kind of amazing how many ways you can make a white dress. But any woman who claims she doesn’t watch these shows and picture herself in every dress is lying.

14. It’s Never Too Early to Start Teaching Girls That Looks Are All That Matters (Toddlers and Tiaras): When asked why they put their daughters in pageants, the mothers always have the same response “Pageants prepare my daughter for life. People are judged by their looks.” Oh, really? Tell me more, woman in the leopard print leggings and over-sized Disney t-shirt. Maybe comb your hair and put on some lip gloss before you tell me about the great life lessons your 5-year-old is getting from her spray tan and eyebrow waxing.

15 (More) Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

There’s a popular article going around of the 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. Here is a list of 15 more things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier… snarky style.

1. Give Up The Need to Have Everyone Like You: It is impossible to make everyone like you, but more importantly, it says something about you as a person if you feel the need for everyone to be your friend. Do you not have any of your own feelings or opinions? Because there are times in life when you have to stand up for yourself, and that usually makes an enemy or two along the way. A lot of people are also jerks or idiots. Why do you care if jerks or idiots like you? Are you a jerk or idiot?

2. Give Up Being a Health Nut: I legitimately cannot imagine spending my entire life counting calories and going to the gym 7 days a week. Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah, but there is a difference between keeping the flab under control and just being a freak about it. Going to the gym doesn’t make you invincible. You can still get hit by a bus. So have a damn cookie and maybe go out for drinks with your friends a couple of those gym nights.

3. Give Up Mean Bitches: We all know there are different types of bitches. I would never suggest giving up a funny bitch or a recreational bitch like myself. Dumb bitches are taken care of in #5 of this list. But mean bitches have got to go… them and their bitch faces.

4. Give Up Crocs: Seriously people. I have never seen an uglier piece of clothing. You might as well wear a sign saying “I’ve given up on myself.”

5. Give Up Dumbasses: Man, people are stupid. I mean, it’s stunning sometimes. And if you have a job where you deal with the general public, it can completely ruin your faith in the future of humanity. So do your best to cut all dumbasses out of your personal life if possible. Your faith in humanity will greatly improve. Well, as long as you also avoid all reality TV and any local or national news.

6. Give Up Your Faith in The Youth of America: Have you seen this? Seriously? WTF?

7. Give Up Whoever You’re Pining Over: Either they’ve never loved you or they don’t love you anymore. Either way, give it up. You look pathetic.

8. Give Up The Idea That Your Childhood Dreams Will Come True: You’re not going to be any of the following: Princess, Astronaut, Cowboy, Race Car Driver, Ballerina or a Lion Tamer. Quite frankly, it was irresponsible of your parents to ever lead you to believe you could be anything you wanted. That’s borderline child abuse right there.

9. Give Up Not Complaining: Life gets annoying. Pretending everything is great all the time and never having a gripe about anything will eventually land you in a looney bin all tied up in a straight jacket, giggling uncontrollably and talking like Ned Flanders. When something is annoying, find a friend and bitch about it. Note: There IS a limit to how much you can bitch about any one subject, so make sure to spice up your bitching. Choose a variety of topics to keep things fresh. The addition of alcohol makes any bitch session better.

10. Give Up Feeling Like You Can’t Say No: People pleasers make me puke. Grow a freaking backbone. You cannot spend your life saying yes to everyone and everything. Well, actually, I take that back. You go ahead and keep doing that because people like me need someone to shove all the crappy duties of life off onto. And if you don’t value yourself enough to take a stance, then I don’t mind walking all over you.

11. Give Up Your Myspace Account: Are you kidding? Who the hell still has a Myspace account? Hold on, let me hit you up on Friendster.

12. Give Up People Who Aren’t Worth Your Time: Friends are fun, but not all friends are forever. Do you have that person who you text all the time, but never replies? After about the 12th time, you can’t pretend it’s your phone malfunctioning. That bitch is ignoring you. You can safely end the friendship knowing you tried your best. And that your former good friend is a bitch face.

13. Give Up Bacon: I’m just kidding. Bacon is delicious. Eat up.

14. Give Up Pants With Writing On The Butt: No. NO! You are either too young, or too old to have “juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass. Either you’re a pre-teen and it’s freaking jail bait, or you’re over 16 and it’s just sad. Quit. You quit that right now.

15. Give Up Trying to Make Social Change on Facebook: No matter how many times you tell me to “re-post” your idiotic status, I’m not going to do it. Mass “awareness” statuses could make me hate the cause of puppies born without eyes if I see the moronic status enough. Oh, and side note: everyone is aware of breast cancer. We can stop having secret coded messages to raise awareness. How about we just start fighting for a cure? The “awareness” is at its peak. Have you ever met someone who didn’t know about breast cancer? Case and point.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

We’re Not As Cultured As We’d Like to Think

People used to be so barbaric in their chosen forms of entertainment. There was a time when people would actually gather around the town gallows and watch others be hung to death for the sheer amusement.

I want to keep my posts fairly light-hearted in nature so I’m going to just ignore the fact that there are still places around the world that do this. Like most Americans I choose ignorance. Makes me feel less guilty when I’m bitching about traffic jams or how crowded it is at the mall.

Another entertainment pastime that was less morbid – but 100% politically incorrect – was the good old-fashioned freak show. Can you believe that people used to actually pay to stand and gawk at individuals with physical and mental disorders?

Oh, look! Jersey Shore is on…

As I’ve previously confessed, I love reality television. And I must admit that most of the reality shows I like are the kinds that make me feel better about myself through the art of judging.

My love of judging probably comes as a shock to those of you who know me. The secret lives we lead, right?

I personally don’t choose to watch shows like the aforementioned Jersey Shore. I want my reality television to trick me into thinking I’m watching a documentary. Makes me feel all classy-like.

Everyone has their own reality show sleaze-threshold. Mine cuts off right around any show involving a half ton man. I eat those types of shows up, so to speak, but I feel bad in the process.

Whatever your style of reality show, it will always contain some element of what I call the “Freak Show Factor.” We watch these people struggle and fail and make fools of themselves. And because of the freak show factor even the kindest one among us has had a moment of “I’m glad that’s not me.”

The Germans even have a word for this. They call it schadenfreude. The definition being: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. ~Shocking that the German people would go to the effort a creating a specific word for something so insensitive and cruel.~

If I were more thorough this is where I would insert some sort of information about the psychological principle behind all this. But I think you’re just as capable of using Google as I am.

So what is the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? We’re only human. Sometimes you just can’t fight nature. At least we’re cultured enough to feel bad about our schadenfreude. Or at least pretend that we do.

Fat America, Skinny Jeans: The Fashion Industry is Just Pranking Us, Right?

America has a weight problem. Approximately one-third of U.S adults are currently obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. BAM! I just used my journalism degree more in those two sentences than I have since I graduated. But I digress. If there is one thing that doesn’t belong in a blog, it’s any knowledge of how to write.

But seriously, we all know America is fat. Anyone who went to The Ohio State Fair this year can attest to that. America’s weight problem is far from a secret. So what do the brain-washing geniuses of the fashion industry decide to make the current trends? Skinny jeans, white jeans, leggings, jeggings (the ultra flattering combination of a jean and legging) and my go-to favorite the romper. What do all of these things have in common? They are not made for the majority of American women.

According to a 2004 survey entitled SizeUSA, the average American woman is a size 14. I used a survey from 2004 because it was the first one I found and I didn’t feel like searching any further. This isn’t the New York Times people (which coincidentally is where I found that statistic).

Let me reiterate that information for dramatic effect. The average American woman is a size 14. No one who is a size 14 should wear a romper. Well, no one who is over the age of 6 should wear a romper, but that’s a whole other blog entirely.

What a messed up country we live in that some of the biggest fashion trends are also the most unflattering that a plus-sized woman could possibly wear. I use the term “plus-sized” even though it is completely out-of-date. People generally still use the term “plus-sized” for women over a size 8. Nowadays a size 20 would be a more appropriate representation of a woman who is “plus-sized.”

The point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make is that trends are not for everyone. In fact, they’re usually for no one (rompers people, rompers). Your friends aren’t going to tell you that you can’t pull off those white jeggings, but I will. Hey you there. If you’re over a size 6, you can’t pull off white jeggings.

This fact may seem obvious, but if you go walk around Target right this moment (I love Target), you will see plenty of women who didn’t have a friend to tell them that they should never have bought that floral romper.

I’m your only real friend, ladies. You remember that.