Bitch Theory

The biggest bitches I’ve ever met all have one thing in common. They’ve called me a bitch. To my face.

They usually try to mask it as a joke. “OMG you are such a bitch!” Well, guess what? You just out bitched a bitch. Congrats.

Obviously I know I’m a bitch. But I like to think of myself as a funny bitch. A bitch that is bitchy for amusement purposes. A recreational bitch, if you will.  I was raised right. I talk about people behind their backs.

Mean bitches are the ones who make people feel bad on purpose or just don’t care how they make you feel. The ones whose mere mention makes people roll their eyes and regale you with stories about their bitchiness. I, on the other hand, accidentally hurt people’s feelings while attempting to be funny. Then I feel bad about it. That’s right. Bitches have feelings too. Well, the funny bitches do anyway. I can only assume that making people feel bad is where the mean bitches get their evil bitch powers.

Nice people tell me I’m bitchy, but they use code words. They tell me I’m funny, witty, sassy, sarcastic and – dare I say – snarky. Because a nice person would never call someone a bitch to their face. They may think it, but then they smile, suppress their feelings and develop an ulcer.

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the most common types of bitches:

Mean Bitches: They’ve got that bitch face. You know the one. You meet them for the first time and they greet you with a disapproving snort. They stand in the corner and talk about you where you can see them. All the while constantly glancing at you as they’re doing it.

Funny Bitches: They’re sarcastic smart-asses, but they never just turn to you and tell you why you suck. They don’t pretend to love things that they don’t and they will crush everything you love, but they don’t attack you personally. And that counts for something, right?

Dumb Bitches: This is probably the most common form of bitch. They’re the Kim Kardashians and Paris Hiltons of the world. They’re mean, but too stupid to actually form a real insult. Generally speaking they’re super skinny with really rich daddies. You could almost name them the “default bitch” cause they were never given a chance to be any other way. This type of bitch will only make you feel bad when you stop and think about how their lives disprove any chance of karma being a thing.

Secret Bitches: Watch out for these. They seem perky and peppy. They are usually petite little things that love cute kitten videos and babies. They have high voices and small chests. But listen closely. Did you hear what that bitch just said? If she weren’t so upbeat I would think she was serious! Here’s the thing. She is serious. That bitch just gets away with it because she’s so damn bubbly.*

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Don’t lump all bitches together. Some of us are just trying to be funny and can’t hide our hatred for the show Glee. We don’t all want to make you cry into your pillow at night.

* Dumb Bitches and Secret Bitches are often one and the same. An especially lethal combination and mortal enemy of the Funny Bitch.

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