How to Make Almond Milk

Step 1.

Don’t.

Step 2.

Seriously? Why?

Step 3. 

Do you really have the time and patience to make your own almond milk? That’s amazing. But… have you heard of television, though? It’s this magical light up rectangle that sits in your house and tells you stories. More importantly, it will keep you from wanting to milk an almond.

Step 4. 

You know you can just buy almond milk, right?

Step 5. 

How about books? They’re the slower, more boring version of TV that takes up a lot of time and makes your eyes tired. If you have the patience for making almond milk, books might be right up your alley.

Step 6. 

Where do you even find the nipple on an almond?

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Making your own food is great, but there has to be a line, right? Life is too short to milk an almond.

PS: If you came here to find out how to actually make almond milk, here’s how. The first step is to soak the almonds for two days. Yep, that’s a ~great~ use of your time.

 

Advertisements

10 Reasons The Avengers Sucks

Yeah, I’ve heard all about it. How The Avengers is the most awesome movie ever made and broke the box office record for opening weekend ticket sales. The movie full-on Hulk Smashed nearly every other film ever made. Well, I’m here to tell you why The Avengers sucks!

10. Real Life Blows Now… Even More So: Did you see The Avengers yet? Well, if you’re one of the five people who haven’t, good luck going to work the next day. As if Mondays weren’t boring enough, this week I was forced to have the awesomeness that is The Avengers in my brain while I was emptying the used coffee filter.

9. Scarlett Johansson’s Rear End: Damn gurl, how’d you fit all of that in them jeans, them jeans, how’d you fit all of that in them… yes, I know Black Widow doesn’t wear jeans and yes, those are the lyrics to a real song. But still, did you see that close up of her hind quarters? Way to make 99% of all other women’s butts look super lame.

8. The Inflation of Nerd Egos: As if the world’s obsession with technology hadn’t given nerds enough of an ego boost, now it’s cool to like comic book heroes. Great. Next thing you know people will be judged on their intelligence and not their looks.

7. Blonde Guys: I have never liked blonde guys. Yuck. Tall dark and handsome all the way for me, thank you. But stupid Avengers had to go and make those blonde guys hot. But you listen to me, world! Just because Chris Hemsworth (Thor) can pull it off better not mean that the Fabio look comes back in style. Wait, was that ever in style?

6. The Hulk Is Cool: I live my life knowing certain undeniable truths. Pizza is delicious, Glee sucks and The Hulk movies were ridiculously lame. Now The Avengers has to go and make me love The Hulk. I’m already dealing with my newfound love of blonde guys, I don’t need to add giant green men with anger management issues to my list of totally hot hotties.

5. People are annoying: People are even more annoying when you’re forced to share an armrest with them. I want the experience of a blockbuster movie without all those pesky people. And who is the sadist that put hard little candies in a cardboard box? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that obnoxious people take those boxes as a challenge to be the most annoying. Now there is a game no one can win.

4. Romantic Schmorantic: Now I can never watch The Notebook again. Wait… I never wanted to watch The Notebook again anyway. Well, regardless, I’ll take epic battles for the survival of all mankind over the fate of whiny girl and lovelorn guy. Buh-bye Romanic Comedies. I’m so over you.

3.Cleveland Rocks: All the work that the Browns, Cavs and Indians have done to make Cleveland feel like crap and now The Avengers comes in and gives them a sliver of happiness. Watching the faces of Cleveland natives light up when they see their city being blown apart is just disgusting. LeBron people, Lebron. Know your place, Cleveland.

2. Forcing Me to Like Things: I pride myself on disliking things. How DARE you make me like you Avengers. For shame. You go cuddle your hundreds of millions of dollars and think about what you’ve done.

1. Butt Loads of Cash and Time: Good grief. You can’t just be happy with the $50 I’ve already given you, can you Avengers? Now you are going to force hours upon hours more of entertainment on me over the coming years. Sequels to basically every movie that preceded The Avengers and the inevitable Avengers sequel. Ugh.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Thor can swing his giant hammer my way any day. I mean… boo Avengers.

Bitch Theory

The biggest bitches I’ve ever met all have one thing in common. They’ve called me a bitch. To my face.

They usually try to mask it as a joke. “OMG you are such a bitch!” Well, guess what? You just out bitched a bitch. Congrats.

Obviously I know I’m a bitch. But I like to think of myself as a funny bitch. A bitch that is bitchy for amusement purposes. A recreational bitch, if you will.  I was raised right. I talk about people behind their backs.

Mean bitches are the ones who make people feel bad on purpose or just don’t care how they make you feel. The ones whose mere mention makes people roll their eyes and regale you with stories about their bitchiness. I, on the other hand, accidentally hurt people’s feelings while attempting to be funny. Then I feel bad about it. That’s right. Bitches have feelings too. Well, the funny bitches do anyway. I can only assume that making people feel bad is where the mean bitches get their evil bitch powers.

Nice people tell me I’m bitchy, but they use code words. They tell me I’m funny, witty, sassy, sarcastic and – dare I say – snarky. Because a nice person would never call someone a bitch to their face. They may think it, but then they smile, suppress their feelings and develop an ulcer.

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the most common types of bitches:

Mean Bitches: They’ve got that bitch face. You know the one. You meet them for the first time and they greet you with a disapproving snort. They stand in the corner and talk about you where you can see them. All the while constantly glancing at you as they’re doing it.

Funny Bitches: They’re sarcastic smart-asses, but they never just turn to you and tell you why you suck. They don’t pretend to love things that they don’t and they will crush everything you love, but they don’t attack you personally. And that counts for something, right?

Dumb Bitches: This is probably the most common form of bitch. They’re the Kim Kardashians and Paris Hiltons of the world. They’re mean, but too stupid to actually form a real insult. Generally speaking they’re super skinny with really rich daddies. You could almost name them the “default bitch” cause they were never given a chance to be any other way. This type of bitch will only make you feel bad when you stop and think about how their lives disprove any chance of karma being a thing.

Secret Bitches: Watch out for these. They seem perky and peppy. They are usually petite little things that love cute kitten videos and babies. They have high voices and small chests. But listen closely. Did you hear what that bitch just said? If she weren’t so upbeat I would think she was serious! Here’s the thing. She is serious. That bitch just gets away with it because she’s so damn bubbly.*

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Don’t lump all bitches together. Some of us are just trying to be funny and can’t hide our hatred for the show Glee. We don’t all want to make you cry into your pillow at night.

* Dumb Bitches and Secret Bitches are often one and the same. An especially lethal combination and mortal enemy of the Funny Bitch.

When It’s Okay to Say, “That’s So Gay”

Oh, Public Service Announcements. We know them so well. Created by The Ad Council, some of the most famous – and relentlessly mocked – PSA slogans include “A Mind is a Terrible Thing to  Waste” and “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires.”

Hey Ad Council! What if we’re wasting the mind of someone who causes forest fires? Exactly.

One of the council’s current campaigns focuses on the negative connotation of the phrase “that’s so gay.”  These particular PSA’s are a collaboration between The Ad Council and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network.

The campaign’s commercials feature “celebrities” such as Wanda Sykes and Hillary Duff (~well-known gay rights activist~) confronting unsuspecting teenagers as they use the phrase “that’s so gay.”

The campaign hopes that people will stop and think what they’re really implying when they say “that’s so gay.”

For those of you who don’t know, I am the queen of the gays (yeah, you heard me Kathy Griffin). I love them and they love me. So I am all for fighting against discrimination and preventing the bullying of gay teens. However, this campaign has overlooked one critical fact: sometimes you just have to say “That’s So Gay.”

I got in trouble recently with one of my gays for saying “That’s so gay.” What was I describing? Something super gay.

When I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and one of the contestants does a pirouette during the lip-sync for their life, how am I supposed to describe that? When a designer on Project Runway screams “Where the HELL is my chiffon?” what do you want me to say?

The most concise and accurate response is simply “That’s so gay.”

Some people use the term to be intentionally malicious or hateful while others use it with complete ignorance. When I say “that’s so gay” I say it with the utmost love and respect.

In fact, why can’t we decide to use “that’s so gay” to describe positive things? If you find a $5 bill on the street, proclaim “That’s so gay!” When your friend tells you they’re engaged, scream “That’s so gay!” The next time your boyfriend is excited that he bought some fabulous shoes on sale, tell him “that’s so gay.”

The point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make is that intent is more important than words. People can say some horrible, hateful, evil things without using a single slur or profanity.

And sometimes things are just super, mega gay and “that’s so gay” is the most eloquent description that can be used.

Yesterday Was Thursday, Today is Friday

Teen singer Rebecca Black got a lot of criticism for her song, Friday. And why wouldn’t she? The song was ridiculous. With lyrics like “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards” and “we, we, we so excited.” Lyrics to a song couldn’t get much more moronic and juvenile. Or could they…

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the mind numbing song selections available on our local Top 40 station. I heard a song that I rationalized could only be a spoof of Black’s song Friday. ~The hosts of the morning zoo are skilled at parody and hilariously funny.~ This was probably a replay of one of their “bits.”

Here is a sample of the lyrics to this mystery song:

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Slowly I made the horrible realization that this was a “real song.” Even more horribly, it turns out the song is by the 27-year-old singer Katy Perry.

“Whoa! People are going to make so much fun of this song,” I thought to myself.

But to my surprise I’ve seen nothing about this song. Where are the articles making fun of its idiotic subject matter? Why doesn’t my Facebook feed explode with statuses quoting Perry’s stupid lyrics every Friday? This is a grown-ass woman singing about getting hickies and using the term “epic fail” (without the slightest hint of sarcasm) and no one raises an eyebrow.

The answer to this conundrum is simple: most popular music is stupid and the majority of people just don’t want to admit it.

I have no problem with stupid music. It’s enjoyable. All in all, music should be fun. If it has a good beat and you can dance to it, I say more power to you.

It’s just an interesting line between what constitutes a laughably stupid pop song, and a legitimate pop song (if there is such a thing). Black’s song Friday has gotten stuck in my head more times than I care to admit, but I can’t remember Perry’s Last Friday Night even if I try. So which song is the real joke, America?

The advice that this snarky self-helper is giving to you is just to accept that every pop song you like is dumb and be okay with that. Life’s too short to be a music snob.

So go out and have fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is.