10 Reasons The Avengers Sucks

Yeah, I’ve heard all about it. How The Avengers is the most awesome movie ever made and broke the box office record for opening weekend ticket sales. The movie full-on Hulk Smashed nearly every other film ever made. Well, I’m here to tell you why The Avengers sucks!

10. Real Life Blows Now… Even More So: Did you see The Avengers yet? Well, if you’re one of the five people who haven’t, good luck going to work the next day. As if Mondays weren’t boring enough, this week I was forced to have the awesomeness that is The Avengers in my brain while I was emptying the used coffee filter.

9. Scarlett Johansson’s Rear End: Damn gurl, how’d you fit all of that in them jeans, them jeans, how’d you fit all of that in them… yes, I know Black Widow doesn’t wear jeans and yes, those are the lyrics to a real song. But still, did you see that close up of her hind quarters? Way to make 99% of all other women’s butts look super lame.

8. The Inflation of Nerd Egos: As if the world’s obsession with technology hadn’t given nerds enough of an ego boost, now it’s cool to like comic book heroes. Great. Next thing you know people will be judged on their intelligence and not their looks.

7. Blonde Guys: I have never liked blonde guys. Yuck. Tall dark and handsome all the way for me, thank you. But stupid Avengers had to go and make those blonde guys hot. But you listen to me, world! Just because Chris Hemsworth (Thor) can pull it off better not mean that the Fabio look comes back in style. Wait, was that ever in style?

6. The Hulk Is Cool: I live my life knowing certain undeniable truths. Pizza is delicious, Glee sucks and The Hulk movies were ridiculously lame. Now The Avengers has to go and make me love The Hulk. I’m already dealing with my newfound love of blonde guys, I don’t need to add giant green men with anger management issues to my list of totally hot hotties.

5. People are annoying: People are even more annoying when you’re forced to share an armrest with them. I want the experience of a blockbuster movie without all those pesky people. And who is the sadist that put hard little candies in a cardboard box? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that obnoxious people take those boxes as a challenge to be the most annoying. Now there is a game no one can win.

4. Romantic Schmorantic: Now I can never watch The Notebook again. Wait… I never wanted to watch The Notebook again anyway. Well, regardless, I’ll take epic battles for the survival of all mankind over the fate of whiny girl and lovelorn guy. Buh-bye Romanic Comedies. I’m so over you.

3.Cleveland Rocks: All the work that the Browns, Cavs and Indians have done to make Cleveland feel like crap and now The Avengers comes in and gives them a sliver of happiness. Watching the faces of Cleveland natives light up when they see their city being blown apart is just disgusting. LeBron people, Lebron. Know your place, Cleveland.

2. Forcing Me to Like Things: I pride myself on disliking things. How DARE you make me like you Avengers. For shame. You go cuddle your hundreds of millions of dollars and think about what you’ve done.

1. Butt Loads of Cash and Time: Good grief. You can’t just be happy with the $50 I’ve already given you, can you Avengers? Now you are going to force hours upon hours more of entertainment on me over the coming years. Sequels to basically every movie that preceded The Avengers and the inevitable Avengers sequel. Ugh.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Thor can swing his giant hammer my way any day. I mean… boo Avengers.

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