30 Facts About 30

“Age is just a number.” False. If that were true my knee wouldn’t make a popping sound when I sit down.

Here are 30 undeniable facts about turning the terrifying thirty.

  1. 30 sucks.
  2. 30 is awesome.
  3. Your perception of turning 30 depends entirely on where you are in your life and how much you’ve “achieved.”
  4. “Achievement” is entirely based on your gender. If you’re a 30-year-old woman, you should be married/engaged and have a child/plans for children very soon.
  5. You’re no longer allowed to be “figuring life out.” You should have your shit together.
  6. You’re expected to have a good job, have a good relationship and own a suit.
  7. Most 30-year-olds are still “figuring life out.”
  8. If you’ve done life right, your alcohol tolerance at 30 is far greater than it was at 25.
  9. Your Facebook feed becomes overrun with pictures of babies… and you post a few yourself.
  10. There are athletes younger than you that can realistically have competed in 3 Olympic games.
  11. You’ll never make a “30 Under 30” list.
  12. You’re not the youngest in your group of friends anymore.
  13. You’re not the youngest at work anymore.
  14. You’re not the youngest anywhere anymore.
    You lose all ability to perceive the age of people younger than you.
  15. You refuse to accept the age of people only a few years older than you.
  16. You remember how OLD 30 sounded when you were a teenager.
  17. You’re not allowed to complain about being 30 to anyone in their 40’s.
  18. Your memory starts going and you often tell the same stories to the same people over and over.
  19. You’ve known your friends long enough that they won’t hesitate to tell you that you’re old, and forgetful, and have told them the same story over and over again.
  20. You notice that a lot of things matter a lot less. Things that would have ruined your whole day at 22 don’t even affect you at 30.
  21. You notice a lot of things matter a lot more. You know life is short and precious and you start to get your priorities straight.
  22. You are much better at standing up for yourself and people who mess with you better watch the hell out.
  23. If you’re lucky, you can officially say you’ve been friends with someone 10 or 20 years. That is an awesome feeling.
  24. When you think of the mid-1990’s, you still think of them as about 10 years ago.
  25. When you were a kid, Nick at Nite was I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Taxi.
  26. You’re horrified that Nick at Nite is now Roseanne, Full House and Friends.
  27. You’re even more horrified that Marge and Homer, and Dan and Roseanne were only a few years older than you are now… and they each had three kids.
  28. You used to think it was impressive that you knew every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. You now realize everyone your age knows every word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
  29. You can honestly say you know yourself better than you ever have.
  30. You’ve convinced yourself that with modern medicine, 30 is the new 20. And if you look at pictures of people your age from the 1950’s, you might just be right.
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15 (More) Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

There’s a popular article going around of the 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. Here is a list of 15 more things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier… snarky style.

1. Give Up The Need to Have Everyone Like You: It is impossible to make everyone like you, but more importantly, it says something about you as a person if you feel the need for everyone to be your friend. Do you not have any of your own feelings or opinions? Because there are times in life when you have to stand up for yourself, and that usually makes an enemy or two along the way. A lot of people are also jerks or idiots. Why do you care if jerks or idiots like you? Are you a jerk or idiot?

2. Give Up Being a Health Nut: I legitimately cannot imagine spending my entire life counting calories and going to the gym 7 days a week. Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah, but there is a difference between keeping the flab under control and just being a freak about it. Going to the gym doesn’t make you invincible. You can still get hit by a bus. So have a damn cookie and maybe go out for drinks with your friends a couple of those gym nights.

3. Give Up Mean Bitches: We all know there are different types of bitches. I would never suggest giving up a funny bitch or a recreational bitch like myself. Dumb bitches are taken care of in #5 of this list. But mean bitches have got to go… them and their bitch faces.

4. Give Up Crocs: Seriously people. I have never seen an uglier piece of clothing. You might as well wear a sign saying “I’ve given up on myself.”

5. Give Up Dumbasses: Man, people are stupid. I mean, it’s stunning sometimes. And if you have a job where you deal with the general public, it can completely ruin your faith in the future of humanity. So do your best to cut all dumbasses out of your personal life if possible. Your faith in humanity will greatly improve. Well, as long as you also avoid all reality TV and any local or national news.

6. Give Up Your Faith in The Youth of America: Have you seen this? Seriously? WTF?

7. Give Up Whoever You’re Pining Over: Either they’ve never loved you or they don’t love you anymore. Either way, give it up. You look pathetic.

8. Give Up The Idea That Your Childhood Dreams Will Come True: You’re not going to be any of the following: Princess, Astronaut, Cowboy, Race Car Driver, Ballerina or a Lion Tamer. Quite frankly, it was irresponsible of your parents to ever lead you to believe you could be anything you wanted. That’s borderline child abuse right there.

9. Give Up Not Complaining: Life gets annoying. Pretending everything is great all the time and never having a gripe about anything will eventually land you in a looney bin all tied up in a straight jacket, giggling uncontrollably and talking like Ned Flanders. When something is annoying, find a friend and bitch about it. Note: There IS a limit to how much you can bitch about any one subject, so make sure to spice up your bitching. Choose a variety of topics to keep things fresh. The addition of alcohol makes any bitch session better.

10. Give Up Feeling Like You Can’t Say No: People pleasers make me puke. Grow a freaking backbone. You cannot spend your life saying yes to everyone and everything. Well, actually, I take that back. You go ahead and keep doing that because people like me need someone to shove all the crappy duties of life off onto. And if you don’t value yourself enough to take a stance, then I don’t mind walking all over you.

11. Give Up Your Myspace Account: Are you kidding? Who the hell still has a Myspace account? Hold on, let me hit you up on Friendster.

12. Give Up People Who Aren’t Worth Your Time: Friends are fun, but not all friends are forever. Do you have that person who you text all the time, but never replies? After about the 12th time, you can’t pretend it’s your phone malfunctioning. That bitch is ignoring you. You can safely end the friendship knowing you tried your best. And that your former good friend is a bitch face.

13. Give Up Bacon: I’m just kidding. Bacon is delicious. Eat up.

14. Give Up Pants With Writing On The Butt: No. NO! You are either too young, or too old to have “juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass. Either you’re a pre-teen and it’s freaking jail bait, or you’re over 16 and it’s just sad. Quit. You quit that right now.

15. Give Up Trying to Make Social Change on Facebook: No matter how many times you tell me to “re-post” your idiotic status, I’m not going to do it. Mass “awareness” statuses could make me hate the cause of puppies born without eyes if I see the moronic status enough. Oh, and side note: everyone is aware of breast cancer. We can stop having secret coded messages to raise awareness. How about we just start fighting for a cure? The “awareness” is at its peak. Have you ever met someone who didn’t know about breast cancer? Case and point.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

Unbelievably Tragic and Amazingly Awesome

I have been known to occasionally overexaggerate things. What can I say? I like to use colorful language. I’m a storyteller at heart really, and I must entertain my audience. But there are times when I step back and realize just how silly most of us are in our word usage.

If something truly amazing ever happened to me I would have to make up a new mega-word to accurately describe the experience. Fantabudupertastic or Stupendabulous or something. When you use the word amazing to describe a deal you just got at Target, it takes a little bit of the power out of the word.

Let’s take a closer look at this theory:

“I just had the most AMAZING sandwich.”

a·maz·ing/əˈmāziNG/

Adjective:
  1. Causing great surprise or wonder; astonishing.
  2. Startlingly impressive.

So you’re saying you just had the most startlingly impressive sandwich that caused you great wonder. Holy crap! Did it have pickles?

“Those shoes are awesome.”

awe·some/ˈôsəm/

Adjective:
  1. Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.
  2. Extremely good; excellent.

If I ever see a daunting pair of shoes that gives me great inspiration, I’ll make sure to Instagram that mess for everyone to see.

These words are just a part of our day-to-day language at this point. Which is fine, I suppose it’s not causing anyone any harm. It is kind of sad when you think about it. I mean, are our lives THAT boring? Perhaps they are. Tragic really.

Tragic. Now there’s a funny word.

trag·ic/ˈtrajik/

Adjective:
  1. Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.
  2. Suffering extreme distress or sorrow.

People don’t technically misuse the word, they’re just idiots. If the death of a drug addicted billionaire who you’ve never met causes you extreme sorrow, you need to check yourself. Psssst! There are children starving to death all over the world without anyone giving a flying crap. A singer who had every resource possible and still chose to “crack” themselves to death isn’t tragic. At the very most it should conjur an “aw, shucks.”

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? You’re all unbelievably, stunningly, profoundly and intensely overexaggerating everything. Drama queens. I would never do something like that.

New Year, Same You

Well people, it’s almost the start of another new year. That means most of you will have failed your New Year’s resolution by this time next week. Don’t feel bad, your resolution is completely unrealistic anyway. Failing at a resolution is really just succeeding at knowing yourself. And most self-help gurus will tell you that knowing yourself is the first step to self-improvement. So make “know myself better” a resolution and BAM. You’ve got one. That’s 100% more than most people.

When you think about it, the New Year is just setting us up to fail. Keeping a New Year’s resolution would be like keeping Christmas cheer all year long, dressing as a slutty vampire everyday or continuously being drunk on green beer and whiskey… well… the first two are ridiculous at least.

And excuuuuuuuuse me, Baby New Year, but I don’t think you have any business telling me to lose weight. I’ve seen you in a diaper and you’re not exactly rocking a six pack.

If people really wanted to exercise more and quit smoking they’d do it when the days are longer and they aren’t already wallowing in the haze of seasonal affect disorder. Vitamin D supplements my butt. No pill is going to make you feel better about it being pitch black at 5pm.

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? If you want to improve yourself, do it in a few months. It’s too cold outside to train for a marathon or spend more time with your kids now anyway.

“Fulfilling My Potential Would Really Cut Into My Sitting Around Time”

I’ve watched a lot of standup comedy over the years. Comedy Central was a main source of entertainment for me starting at a young age. Obviously this was before TV Parental Guidelines were put in place and immediately ignored by everyone.

Without Comedy Central, who’s to say if I would have developed my signature sparkling wit. ~Because if there is one word that best describes Comedy Central it would be “witty.” I certainly don’t think they should just change the name to Dick and Poop Joke Central.~

There are very few standup routines that I actually remember with any detail. I can have a decent recollection of Louis C.K.’s hilarious account of his daughter being bitten by a pony or Jim Gaffigan’s… uh… story about how Hot Pockets are hot. Obviously my ability to recall routines doesn’t directly correlate with the actual quality of the material.

The one piece of standup that sticks most vividly in my mind is a single punch line by comedienne Maria Bamford (now best known for her Target ads). I can’t even recall the exact setup of the joke. I believe that, as with all good stories, a cult may have been involved.

I did an online search to make sure I was somewhat close on what I remembered of this punch line. It has been about ten years since I saw this particular special, after all. According to the always accurate internet, the exact line is:

“She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.”

Now why, oh, why would that one piece of comedy resonate with me so deeply? What possible reason would my increasingly forgetful brain have to retain this joke? My mind has gone through hundreds of information/data purges by now and somehow this line stays clear as day.

Perhaps it’s a coincidence that this line has stuck with me. I’ve never been bitten by a wild pony or had the inside of my mouth scalded by a molten hot Hot Pocket and I pretty much remember those bits. Or perhaps…

In an odd way this joke has kind of become my life motto. What? “Making a punch line your life’s motto isn’t a great idea,” you say? Well, bite me. I didn’t ask for your opinion.

I have actually used this joke to laugh away missed opportunities in my life. If I  skipped an audition or didn’t get around to applying for a job it was because it would have “really cut into my sitting around time.” Ha, ha I’m a slacker, ha ha. It’s been how many weeks since I posted to this site? You get my point.

Fear of success and fear of failure are one in the same. No one is really afraid of succeeding, they’re afraid of the possibility that they’ll fail at being successful. Read that sentence slowly about five times and it will start to make sense.

People just say they’re afraid of success because it sounds better than being afraid of failure. No one has ever not tried something because they were afraid they’d be too awesome at it.

I’m much older now than I was when I first heard that punch line. I’d like to say wiser, but really I’ve just been through more crap. However, that crap has made me realize it’s time to drop this particular life motto.

One perk of having been through more crap is that you genuinely care less about what other people think. I am slowly easing into this new concept called “trying.” I think it originated in China. It’s a foreign idea to me, so we’ll see how it goes.

So what’s the point that this snarky self helper is trying to make? Most of the good things in life will cut into your sitting around time. Get off your ass and don’t worry about who’s watching.

Until I can find a good replacement life motto, I think my interim one will be “We call our act the Aristocrats.” What do you think?


I’m Not Old, You’re Incompetent

The horror. Oh, the horror!

Sorry, I got ahead of myself. Let me take a moment to set a scene for you.

You’re in the checkout line of your local grocery store getting ready to purchase your adult beverage of choice. You’ve carefully thrown some additional items into the mix so it doesn’t look like you went to the store just to buy booze. Everyone knows that you want your shopping selection to have that “I just noticed the alcohol while I was shopping for my groceries” feel. It’s just the classy thing to do.

As you begin to check out, the pimple-faced 12-year-old working the register asks you if you found everything alright. You answer politely “yes,” even though you’re thinking “why the hell would someone wait until they started checking out to ask where to find something?”

Since you’re a courteous shopper, you politely get your I.D. ready to hand to him. The sign does say that they card anyone who looks under 40-years-old after all.

The adolescent cashier finishes ringing up your items, looks at you and says “Your total is…”

Oh… no… he… didn’t.

In a humiliated panic you try to subtly put your ID back into its slot in your wallet. You attempt to cover this catastrophe by pretending that you’re getting out your credit card, but you can tell everyone is looking at you and laughing. Laughing at your smug delusion. “Ha! She thinks she looks 19,” they think to themselves.

There has to be some reason for this blatant oversight. The explanation is not an easy one to accept, but there is only one logical answer: he’s incompetent.

Here’s a little tip from this snarky self-helper to all the cashiers of the world: always ask a woman for ID. Trust me, it’s for the betterment of society as a whole.