alcohol

You’re Lucky the Irish Have a Good Sense of Humor

Do you know where the phrase “Luck of the Irish” originated? It began when Irish immigrants started to do well in the U.S. and work their way out of the ghettos. People started saying that it must be the “luck of the Irish” because the Irish were too lazy and stupid to have actually achieved anything on their own. How’d ole Patrick O’SullivanMcFlanagan get that fancy new hoe? Must be luck. Patrick O’RoukeMcKelly couldn’t possible have been smart enough to earn the money to buy it himself, by Blarney!

The Irish have faced a ton of adversity. I bet that sentence made you snicker. It’s true though. But overall, we’re a pretty jovial people. Perhaps it’s the beer and whiskey. Aw… see what I did there? Implying all Irish people are drunks. Horrible, horrible stereotype. The Irish aren’t drunks. We can handle our alochol.

That leads me perfectly into the mess that is St. Patrick’s Day. I have never gotten especially excited about St. Patrick’s Day. The specials they run on the History Channel about the potato famine are more exciting to me than green beer and kegs and eggs.

I actually kind of abhor St. Patrick’s Day. I lock myself up in my apartment and wait for the droves of idiots in green bowler hats and shamrock glasses to stumble back home and out of my favorite, normally quiet, local bar.

They may say “everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day” but they aren’t. Everyone is a drunken idiot on St. Patrick’s Day (and noooooo, that doesn’t describe a normal person of Irish heritage thank you very much). When you really think about it though, it’s slightly offensive to imply – or outright state – that being “Irish” means drinking until you pass out.

We Irish don’t complain nearly as much as we should or could. Well, I’m complaining, but I don’t represent all Irish people. I mean, could you imagine if we celebrated other holidays just by choosing one giant stereotype of that ethnicity and running around saying that, by doing that one giant stereotype, we are now one of those people? Black History Month? Cinco De Mayo? Chinese New Year? Sounds like a Family Guy episode in the making.

What’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? You’re not Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. If you want to drink, take a lesson from someone with real Irish heritage, just drink whenever you want to. Everyday is St. Patrick’s Day for us. Wait… I think I just perpetuated the stereotype I was trying to fight. Crap. Oh well. Even if you drink a lot, you’ll never be as pale as me. Take that.

I’m Not Old, You’re Incompetent

The horror. Oh, the horror!

Sorry, I got ahead of myself. Let me take a moment to set a scene for you.

You’re in the checkout line of your local grocery store getting ready to purchase your adult beverage of choice. You’ve carefully thrown some additional items into the mix so it doesn’t look like you went to the store just to buy booze. Everyone knows that you want your shopping selection to have that “I just noticed the alcohol while I was shopping for my groceries” feel. It’s just the classy thing to do.

As you begin to check out, the pimple-faced 12-year-old working the register asks you if you found everything alright. You answer politely “yes,” even though you’re thinking “why the hell would someone wait until they started checking out to ask where to find something?”

Since you’re a courteous shopper, you politely get your I.D. ready to hand to him. The sign does say that they card anyone who looks under 40-years-old after all.

The adolescent cashier finishes ringing up your items, looks at you and says “Your total is…”

Oh… no… he… didn’t.

In a humiliated panic you try to subtly put your ID back into its slot in your wallet. You attempt to cover this catastrophe by pretending that you’re getting out your credit card, but you can tell everyone is looking at you and laughing. Laughing at your smug delusion. “Ha! She thinks she looks 19,” they think to themselves.

There has to be some reason for this blatant oversight. The explanation is not an easy one to accept, but there is only one logical answer: he’s incompetent.

Here’s a little tip from this snarky self-helper to all the cashiers of the world: always ask a woman for ID. Trust me, it’s for the betterment of society as a whole.