advice

How to Make Almond Milk

Step 1.

Don’t.

Step 2.

Seriously? Why?

Step 3. 

Do you really have the time and patience to make your own almond milk? That’s amazing. But… have you heard of television, though? It’s this magical light up rectangle that sits in your house and tells you stories. More importantly, it will keep you from wanting to milk an almond.

Step 4. 

You know you can just buy almond milk, right?

Step 5. 

How about books? They’re the slower, more boring version of TV that takes up a lot of time and makes your eyes tired. If you have the patience for making almond milk, books might be right up your alley.

Step 6. 

Where do you even find the nipple on an almond?

So what’s Snarky Self-Helper’s point? Making your own food is great, but there has to be a line, right? Life is too short to milk an almond.

PS: If you came here to find out how to actually make almond milk, here’s how. The first step is to soak the almonds for two days. Yep, that’s a ~great~ use of your time.

 

30 Facts About 30

“Age is just a number.” False. If that were true my knee wouldn’t make a popping sound when I sit down.

Here are 30 undeniable facts about turning the terrifying thirty.

  1. 30 sucks.
  2. 30 is awesome.
  3. Your perception of turning 30 depends entirely on where you are in your life and how much you’ve “achieved.”
  4. “Achievement” is entirely based on your gender. If you’re a 30-year-old woman, you should be married/engaged and have a child/plans for children very soon.
  5. You’re no longer allowed to be “figuring life out.” You should have your shit together.
  6. You’re expected to have a good job, have a good relationship and own a suit.
  7. Most 30-year-olds are still “figuring life out.”
  8. If you’ve done life right, your alcohol tolerance at 30 is far greater than it was at 25.
  9. Your Facebook feed becomes overrun with pictures of babies… and you post a few yourself.
  10. There are athletes younger than you that can realistically have competed in 3 Olympic games.
  11. You’ll never make a “30 Under 30” list.
  12. You’re not the youngest in your group of friends anymore.
  13. You’re not the youngest at work anymore.
  14. You’re not the youngest anywhere anymore.
    You lose all ability to perceive the age of people younger than you.
  15. You refuse to accept the age of people only a few years older than you.
  16. You remember how OLD 30 sounded when you were a teenager.
  17. You’re not allowed to complain about being 30 to anyone in their 40’s.
  18. Your memory starts going and you often tell the same stories to the same people over and over.
  19. You’ve known your friends long enough that they won’t hesitate to tell you that you’re old, and forgetful, and have told them the same story over and over again.
  20. You notice that a lot of things matter a lot less. Things that would have ruined your whole day at 22 don’t even affect you at 30.
  21. You notice a lot of things matter a lot more. You know life is short and precious and you start to get your priorities straight.
  22. You are much better at standing up for yourself and people who mess with you better watch the hell out.
  23. If you’re lucky, you can officially say you’ve been friends with someone 10 or 20 years. That is an awesome feeling.
  24. When you think of the mid-1990’s, you still think of them as about 10 years ago.
  25. When you were a kid, Nick at Nite was I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Taxi.
  26. You’re horrified that Nick at Nite is now Roseanne, Full House and Friends.
  27. You’re even more horrified that Marge and Homer, and Dan and Roseanne were only a few years older than you are now… and they each had three kids.
  28. You used to think it was impressive that you knew every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. You now realize everyone your age knows every word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
  29. You can honestly say you know yourself better than you ever have.
  30. You’ve convinced yourself that with modern medicine, 30 is the new 20. And if you look at pictures of people your age from the 1950’s, you might just be right.

PHSD – Pre-Halloween Stress Disorder

It’s almost Halloween. That means this time last year you were screaming “next year will be different” while sobbing into the used lingerie rack at a thrift store. 

But alas, Halloween is one week away and that slutty Mr. Potato Head costume option is looking better and better. 

This is the time of year when Google’s top Halloween search terms go from “fun costumes” and “cute couple costumes” to things like “last minute costume ideas,” “how to make a costume out of a sack” and “sweet baby Buddha I need a f&*%ing costume NOW!”

People always talk about the stress of “the holidays.” The dread of spending Thanksgiving being hit on by crazy “Uncle” Charlie or maxing out five credit cards at Christmas buying 100 memberships to the Sausage of the Month Club. But what about Halloween?

More than any other holiday, Halloween comes with the pressure to be “clever.” You’ve got to come up with a clever costume, carve a clever pumpkin, write clever things on your fake Styrofoam tombstones. Here’s a fun fact: most people aren’t clever. Way to point out how lame people are, Halloween. That’s a bitch move right there.

At least Beggar’s Night is nothing but fun with all those adorable little princesses and ninjas carrying their tiny plastic pumpkins. That’s until a 17-year-old football player in a ski mask shows up trying to get free candy. Tell me any other time of year when roving bands of teenagers in masks trying to get you to give them free things is a fun family event. October 31: good holiday fun. November 1: turn off the lights and call the cops.

The practice of leaving decapitated, decomposing produce all over the house is a whole other can of crazy. If you had a neighbor who liked to carve human faces into Papayas and then leave them on his porch, I doubt you’d be strolling over to ask for a cup of sugar. 

Luckily we have soothing, feel-good holiday movies like Halloween, The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 89 to calm our nerves. Weeks on end of watching 20-somethings be skinned alive is just plain good for the soul.

What’s the point that is Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Relax. Halloween is super fun. If you’re feeling too stressed out, go stare at the Christmas light display that’s been at Target since September. Then eat a bag of Kit Kats. When the real zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll miss those Pocahottie costumes. 

14 Reality TV Life Lessons

People claim that reality television is just mindless drivel that is causing the downfall of America. But if you really pay attention, you’ll find that every hoarder and child beauty queen is teaching us a valuable lesson about life, love and the pathway to inner peace. At the very least it can make you feel better about not being romantically involved with your car.

Here is a list (cause you people love lists) of 14 Real Reality TV Life Lessons:

1. If You’re Rich, You’re a Horrible, Horrible Person (My Super Sweet 16, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta, New York, Beverly Hills, Miami and Orange County): Might as well just call all of them the Real Housewives of HELL! I mean, I can take a certain amount of cringe-worthy television, but these are too much even for me. Maybe it says something about my personality that I’ll watch a homeless 19-year-old shoot heroin for hours, but I can’t take two seconds of a 15 3/4-year-old complain that she wants a Porsche for her birthday, not the crappy Mercedes (my apologies to rich people, I honestly don’t know if you’d consider a Porsche better than a Mercedes).

2. You Should Throw Away Everything In Your House (Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive): A Hoarders marathon is a dangerous thing. About 10 minutes into the 2nd episode I’m ready to toss everything in my house into the garbage. Obviously the fact that I have a box with old newspaper articles I’ve written and my 3rd Grade craft project means I’m just about one step closer to poop in a bag. It’s a logical jump. At least as logical as thinking you’ll need that TV Guide from 1984 again someday. Although, I can understand their fear. What if you need to look up that one actor’s name from Charles in Charge after the zombie apocalypse when all computers, phones and nerds are gone?

3. Never Throw Anything Away, It Could Be Worth Money Someday (Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn, American Pickers): Those hoarders are nuts! So anyway, you were telling me about that $100,000 coin you found in a box in your grandmother’s attic?

4. Man-Whores are okay, but Woman-Whores are Pathetic Sluts (The Bachelor/The Bachelorette): You ever hear people talk about these shows? There is such outrage when the Bachelorette goes and makes out with a couple guys in one night. If the Bachelor makes out with two girls, people wonder why he didn’t make out with five. See a little double standard here? It’s 2012 people. There should be equal standards; everyone on reality TV is a ho.

5. People With British Accents Can Get Away With Anything (Super Nanny, Kitchen Nightmares, American Idol, America’s Got Talent): There is something deeply engrained in we Americans that makes us just accept (and maybe even enjoy) British people verbally abusing us. And yes, I know Gordon Ramsey is Scottish, but most of us don’t know any better. If the idiots on Jersey Shore hailed from Fingringhoe or Cockshoot Close (yes, those are real) then we’d find them ever so bloody charming, wouldn’t we mate?

6. The General Public Knows Nothing About Talent (American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance): Why do we leave these decisions in the hands of the general public? Sure, we let them decide menial things like who runs our city, state and country, but there is $100,000 and a recording contract at stake here! People know nothing about who’s pitchy, dawg! Also, the fact that someone had a semi sad childhood (i.e. was maybe lower-middle class) doesn’t automatically mean they’re a better singer.

7: Schadenfreude is Alive and Well (Intervention, Addicted, The Biggest Loser): Sorry, Bob Harper, but no matter how much it ticks you off, I’m not going to stop eating pizza and ice cream while I watch a morbidly obese person pass out after the first time they’ve ever worked out. People take joy in things like that. People watch Intervention for the same reason they watch auto racing; they want to see someone crash and burn.

8: Overpopulating the Earth is Very Entertaining (19 Kids and Counting, Jon and Kate Plus 8): That crazy Duggar woman has said she doesn’t believe in overpopulation. ~Shocking~ To be honest, this really should be put under #7 because I’m pretty sure people just watch this show to feel better about not having a whole litter of children.

9: Super Boring Family Crap is Somehow Entertaining With Little People (Little People, Big World, The Little Couple): Going to the dentist? Boring. A little person going to the dentist? Oh, the adventure! Small in stature means big in entertainment! Hey, I should work in marketing.

10: People Are So Freaking Stupid (I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant): I don’t even know if this show is still on. I could research it, but then my browser history would forever show that I searched “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Either way, I just felt this needed its own special category of idiocy. And the stupid ones aren’t just on the show, they’re also the people who have watched more than one episode. How many times can you hear about a woman giving birth on a toilet?

11: What the F*&$ Is Wrong With People? (My Strange Addiction): If there is one thing reality TV has taught us, it’s that there are some seriously messed up people in this world. But this show wins the crazy prize. A guy who is dating his car (and when I say dating, I mean DATING), a woman who snorts baby powder and a chick who drinks gasoline are all at least watchable. But the woman drinking her own urine almost made me vomit. I got through about 10 seconds of her explaining the different flavors and I had to turn it off. I’m going to stop talking about it now because I’m about to puke again…

12: You’re Not A Professional Blower-Upper Guy (Mythbusters, Jackass): They all have the same basic warning that you shouldn’t blow stuff up, but they can. But what made them professionals at blowing stuff up? Doing it a lot and filming it. So kids, get to it…

13. Every Woman In America is Planning a Wedding at All Times… or Wishes She Was. (Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss etc): It is kind of amazing how many ways you can make a white dress. But any woman who claims she doesn’t watch these shows and picture herself in every dress is lying.

14. It’s Never Too Early to Start Teaching Girls That Looks Are All That Matters (Toddlers and Tiaras): When asked why they put their daughters in pageants, the mothers always have the same response “Pageants prepare my daughter for life. People are judged by their looks.” Oh, really? Tell me more, woman in the leopard print leggings and over-sized Disney t-shirt. Maybe comb your hair and put on some lip gloss before you tell me about the great life lessons your 5-year-old is getting from her spray tan and eyebrow waxing.

15 (More) Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

There’s a popular article going around of the 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. Here is a list of 15 more things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier… snarky style.

1. Give Up The Need to Have Everyone Like You: It is impossible to make everyone like you, but more importantly, it says something about you as a person if you feel the need for everyone to be your friend. Do you not have any of your own feelings or opinions? Because there are times in life when you have to stand up for yourself, and that usually makes an enemy or two along the way. A lot of people are also jerks or idiots. Why do you care if jerks or idiots like you? Are you a jerk or idiot?

2. Give Up Being a Health Nut: I legitimately cannot imagine spending my entire life counting calories and going to the gym 7 days a week. Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah, but there is a difference between keeping the flab under control and just being a freak about it. Going to the gym doesn’t make you invincible. You can still get hit by a bus. So have a damn cookie and maybe go out for drinks with your friends a couple of those gym nights.

3. Give Up Mean Bitches: We all know there are different types of bitches. I would never suggest giving up a funny bitch or a recreational bitch like myself. Dumb bitches are taken care of in #5 of this list. But mean bitches have got to go… them and their bitch faces.

4. Give Up Crocs: Seriously people. I have never seen an uglier piece of clothing. You might as well wear a sign saying “I’ve given up on myself.”

5. Give Up Dumbasses: Man, people are stupid. I mean, it’s stunning sometimes. And if you have a job where you deal with the general public, it can completely ruin your faith in the future of humanity. So do your best to cut all dumbasses out of your personal life if possible. Your faith in humanity will greatly improve. Well, as long as you also avoid all reality TV and any local or national news.

6. Give Up Your Faith in The Youth of America: Have you seen this? Seriously? WTF?

7. Give Up Whoever You’re Pining Over: Either they’ve never loved you or they don’t love you anymore. Either way, give it up. You look pathetic.

8. Give Up The Idea That Your Childhood Dreams Will Come True: You’re not going to be any of the following: Princess, Astronaut, Cowboy, Race Car Driver, Ballerina or a Lion Tamer. Quite frankly, it was irresponsible of your parents to ever lead you to believe you could be anything you wanted. That’s borderline child abuse right there.

9. Give Up Not Complaining: Life gets annoying. Pretending everything is great all the time and never having a gripe about anything will eventually land you in a looney bin all tied up in a straight jacket, giggling uncontrollably and talking like Ned Flanders. When something is annoying, find a friend and bitch about it. Note: There IS a limit to how much you can bitch about any one subject, so make sure to spice up your bitching. Choose a variety of topics to keep things fresh. The addition of alcohol makes any bitch session better.

10. Give Up Feeling Like You Can’t Say No: People pleasers make me puke. Grow a freaking backbone. You cannot spend your life saying yes to everyone and everything. Well, actually, I take that back. You go ahead and keep doing that because people like me need someone to shove all the crappy duties of life off onto. And if you don’t value yourself enough to take a stance, then I don’t mind walking all over you.

11. Give Up Your Myspace Account: Are you kidding? Who the hell still has a Myspace account? Hold on, let me hit you up on Friendster.

12. Give Up People Who Aren’t Worth Your Time: Friends are fun, but not all friends are forever. Do you have that person who you text all the time, but never replies? After about the 12th time, you can’t pretend it’s your phone malfunctioning. That bitch is ignoring you. You can safely end the friendship knowing you tried your best. And that your former good friend is a bitch face.

13. Give Up Bacon: I’m just kidding. Bacon is delicious. Eat up.

14. Give Up Pants With Writing On The Butt: No. NO! You are either too young, or too old to have “juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass. Either you’re a pre-teen and it’s freaking jail bait, or you’re over 16 and it’s just sad. Quit. You quit that right now.

15. Give Up Trying to Make Social Change on Facebook: No matter how many times you tell me to “re-post” your idiotic status, I’m not going to do it. Mass “awareness” statuses could make me hate the cause of puppies born without eyes if I see the moronic status enough. Oh, and side note: everyone is aware of breast cancer. We can stop having secret coded messages to raise awareness. How about we just start fighting for a cure? The “awareness” is at its peak. Have you ever met someone who didn’t know about breast cancer? Case and point.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

“Fulfilling My Potential Would Really Cut Into My Sitting Around Time”

I’ve watched a lot of standup comedy over the years. Comedy Central was a main source of entertainment for me starting at a young age. Obviously this was before TV Parental Guidelines were put in place and immediately ignored by everyone.

Without Comedy Central, who’s to say if I would have developed my signature sparkling wit. ~Because if there is one word that best describes Comedy Central it would be “witty.” I certainly don’t think they should just change the name to Dick and Poop Joke Central.~

There are very few standup routines that I actually remember with any detail. I can have a decent recollection of Louis C.K.’s hilarious account of his daughter being bitten by a pony or Jim Gaffigan’s… uh… story about how Hot Pockets are hot. Obviously my ability to recall routines doesn’t directly correlate with the actual quality of the material.

The one piece of standup that sticks most vividly in my mind is a single punch line by comedienne Maria Bamford (now best known for her Target ads). I can’t even recall the exact setup of the joke. I believe that, as with all good stories, a cult may have been involved.

I did an online search to make sure I was somewhat close on what I remembered of this punch line. It has been about ten years since I saw this particular special, after all. According to the always accurate internet, the exact line is:

“She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.”

Now why, oh, why would that one piece of comedy resonate with me so deeply? What possible reason would my increasingly forgetful brain have to retain this joke? My mind has gone through hundreds of information/data purges by now and somehow this line stays clear as day.

Perhaps it’s a coincidence that this line has stuck with me. I’ve never been bitten by a wild pony or had the inside of my mouth scalded by a molten hot Hot Pocket and I pretty much remember those bits. Or perhaps…

In an odd way this joke has kind of become my life motto. What? “Making a punch line your life’s motto isn’t a great idea,” you say? Well, bite me. I didn’t ask for your opinion.

I have actually used this joke to laugh away missed opportunities in my life. If I  skipped an audition or didn’t get around to applying for a job it was because it would have “really cut into my sitting around time.” Ha, ha I’m a slacker, ha ha. It’s been how many weeks since I posted to this site? You get my point.

Fear of success and fear of failure are one in the same. No one is really afraid of succeeding, they’re afraid of the possibility that they’ll fail at being successful. Read that sentence slowly about five times and it will start to make sense.

People just say they’re afraid of success because it sounds better than being afraid of failure. No one has ever not tried something because they were afraid they’d be too awesome at it.

I’m much older now than I was when I first heard that punch line. I’d like to say wiser, but really I’ve just been through more crap. However, that crap has made me realize it’s time to drop this particular life motto.

One perk of having been through more crap is that you genuinely care less about what other people think. I am slowly easing into this new concept called “trying.” I think it originated in China. It’s a foreign idea to me, so we’ll see how it goes.

So what’s the point that this snarky self helper is trying to make? Most of the good things in life will cut into your sitting around time. Get off your ass and don’t worry about who’s watching.

Until I can find a good replacement life motto, I think my interim one will be “We call our act the Aristocrats.” What do you think?


We’re Not As Cultured As We’d Like to Think

People used to be so barbaric in their chosen forms of entertainment. There was a time when people would actually gather around the town gallows and watch others be hung to death for the sheer amusement.

I want to keep my posts fairly light-hearted in nature so I’m going to just ignore the fact that there are still places around the world that do this. Like most Americans I choose ignorance. Makes me feel less guilty when I’m bitching about traffic jams or how crowded it is at the mall.

Another entertainment pastime that was less morbid – but 100% politically incorrect – was the good old-fashioned freak show. Can you believe that people used to actually pay to stand and gawk at individuals with physical and mental disorders?

Oh, look! Jersey Shore is on…

As I’ve previously confessed, I love reality television. And I must admit that most of the reality shows I like are the kinds that make me feel better about myself through the art of judging.

My love of judging probably comes as a shock to those of you who know me. The secret lives we lead, right?

I personally don’t choose to watch shows like the aforementioned Jersey Shore. I want my reality television to trick me into thinking I’m watching a documentary. Makes me feel all classy-like.

Everyone has their own reality show sleaze-threshold. Mine cuts off right around any show involving a half ton man. I eat those types of shows up, so to speak, but I feel bad in the process.

Whatever your style of reality show, it will always contain some element of what I call the “Freak Show Factor.” We watch these people struggle and fail and make fools of themselves. And because of the freak show factor even the kindest one among us has had a moment of “I’m glad that’s not me.”

The Germans even have a word for this. They call it schadenfreude. The definition being: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. ~Shocking that the German people would go to the effort a creating a specific word for something so insensitive and cruel.~

If I were more thorough this is where I would insert some sort of information about the psychological principle behind all this. But I think you’re just as capable of using Google as I am.

So what is the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? We’re only human. Sometimes you just can’t fight nature. At least we’re cultured enough to feel bad about our schadenfreude. Or at least pretend that we do.

How Do I Get That Crappy 70’s Look?


Technology today is amazing. We can carry around 20,000 songs in our pocket, watch 3D movies in our home and we have the internet at our fingertips every moment of the day. We have all the tools we need to never have to interact with another human being face-to-face ever again. It’s magical.

Photography is an example of a medium that advances drastically with each passing year. Digital photography has revolutionized the way we take, keep and display pictures. Most family memories are kept in a folder in a computer hard drive instead of in a shoebox in the closet. The majority of us now carry a camera with us at all times (as the poor individuals on PeopleofWalmart.com can attest… or they could attest if they owned computers).

Even picture frames are digital now. Heaven forbid we have an attention span long enough to put one picture in a frame. Must. Have. Constant. Stimulation.

This year Hasselblad came out with a 200-megapixel camera that can be yours for the low, low price of $45,000. 200-megapixels? No one needs to be seen with that kind of clarity.

While most of us don’t have a 200-megapixel camera at our disposal, even the camera on my iPhone is 5-megapixels. The digital camera I bought a couple years ago was only 8-megapixels.

So even our phones can take amazing, clear, beautiful pictures. How can we best utilize these amazing advancements? I know! Let’s make our photos look like they were taken by a cheap 70’s camera and then stored in the pages of an acid laden photo album for 40 years.

Apps like Instagram and Hipstamatic give smartphone users the ability to add all kinds of filters and effects to their photos. For those of you who aren’t tech savvy, let me give you an analogy of the effect you get with a photo filter: it’s like buying a new pair of jeans, throwing them in a mud puddle and ripping them into shreds because you feel it adds “character.” Oh, wait! That is a current fashion trend. But I digress.

In the spirit of full discretion I have to admit that I love crap-a-fying my photos. Overexpose? Yes please. Add a lens flare? Don’t mind if I do. Fade all the colors? Indubitably. Crisp, color photos are boring.

So what is the point this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Sometimes technological advancements don’t equal advancements in entertainment or artistic expression.

Actually, that’s not really my point. The real point I’m trying to make is that we don’t all need to be photographed with amazing digital clarity and crispness. If I don’t have a photo retoucher at my disposal 24/7 then I might as well just overexpose the hell out of my pictures and throw a nice grunge filter over it. Amazing how my complexion clears right up.

Yesterday Was Thursday, Today is Friday

Teen singer Rebecca Black got a lot of criticism for her song, Friday. And why wouldn’t she? The song was ridiculous. With lyrics like “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards” and “we, we, we so excited.” Lyrics to a song couldn’t get much more moronic and juvenile. Or could they…

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the mind numbing song selections available on our local Top 40 station. I heard a song that I rationalized could only be a spoof of Black’s song Friday. ~The hosts of the morning zoo are skilled at parody and hilariously funny.~ This was probably a replay of one of their “bits.”

Here is a sample of the lyrics to this mystery song:

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

…

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Slowly I made the horrible realization that this was a “real song.” Even more horribly, it turns out the song is by the 27-year-old singer Katy Perry.

“Whoa! People are going to make so much fun of this song,” I thought to myself.

But to my surprise I’ve seen nothing about this song. Where are the articles making fun of its idiotic subject matter? Why doesn’t my Facebook feed explode with statuses quoting Perry’s stupid lyrics every Friday? This is a grown-ass woman singing about getting hickies and using the term “epic fail” (without the slightest hint of sarcasm) and no one raises an eyebrow.

The answer to this conundrum is simple: most popular music is stupid and the majority of people just don’t want to admit it.

I have no problem with stupid music. It’s enjoyable. All in all, music should be fun. If it has a good beat and you can dance to it, I say more power to you.

It’s just an interesting line between what constitutes a laughably stupid pop song, and a legitimate pop song (if there is such a thing). Black’s song Friday has gotten stuck in my head more times than I care to admit, but I can’t remember Perry’s Last Friday Night even if I try. So which song is the real joke, America?

The advice that this snarky self-helper is giving to you is just to accept that every pop song you like is dumb and be okay with that. Life’s too short to be a music snob.

So go out and have fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is.

Fat America, Skinny Jeans: The Fashion Industry is Just Pranking Us, Right?

America has a weight problem. Approximately one-third of U.S adults are currently obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. BAM! I just used my journalism degree more in those two sentences than I have since I graduated. But I digress. If there is one thing that doesn’t belong in a blog, it’s any knowledge of how to write.

But seriously, we all know America is fat. Anyone who went to The Ohio State Fair this year can attest to that. America’s weight problem is far from a secret. So what do the brain-washing geniuses of the fashion industry decide to make the current trends? Skinny jeans, white jeans, leggings, jeggings (the ultra flattering combination of a jean and legging) and my go-to favorite the romper. What do all of these things have in common? They are not made for the majority of American women.

According to a 2004 survey entitled SizeUSA, the average American woman is a size 14. I used a survey from 2004 because it was the first one I found and I didn’t feel like searching any further. This isn’t the New York Times people (which coincidentally is where I found that statistic).

Let me reiterate that information for dramatic effect. The average American woman is a size 14. No one who is a size 14 should wear a romper. Well, no one who is over the age of 6 should wear a romper, but that’s a whole other blog entirely.

What a messed up country we live in that some of the biggest fashion trends are also the most unflattering that a plus-sized woman could possibly wear. I use the term “plus-sized” even though it is completely out-of-date. People generally still use the term “plus-sized” for women over a size 8. Nowadays a size 20 would be a more appropriate representation of a woman who is “plus-sized.”

The point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make is that trends are not for everyone. In fact, they’re usually for no one (rompers people, rompers). Your friends aren’t going to tell you that you can’t pull off those white jeggings, but I will. Hey you there. If you’re over a size 6, you can’t pull off white jeggings.

This fact may seem obvious, but if you go walk around Target right this moment (I love Target), you will see plenty of women who didn’t have a friend to tell them that they should never have bought that floral romper.

I’m your only real friend, ladies. You remember that.