Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People: Part 1

Have you ever run into an acquaintance and had that split second moment where you considered jumping into a rosebush so you didn’t have to talk to them? I bet you’re friends with them on Facebook.

Why does Facebook exist, really? It’s not really for professional networking, that’s LinkedIn. It’s not really to follow celebrities or companies, that’s Twitter. It’s not… eh… I won’t even bother mentioning MySpace because no one has logged in to that website for five years.

As far as I can tell Facebook is meant to help us keep in touch with friends, family and those acquaintances that we actually like. But that’s a dream world scenario.

In reality Facebook keeps us “connected” with a few key people and the other 250 (or 1,237 if you’re one of “those” people) are just filler.

Ask yourself this question: should you be “friends” with someone if seeing that it’s their birthday makes you think “ugh… do I really want to waste 20 seconds wishing them a happy birthday?” Or better yet, seeing it’s their birthday makes you go “it’s whose birthday?”

We all have them. The people who pop up on the screen and we’re annoyed before we even read what they’re going to say.

Oh, look! Another vegan recipe. When I decide to switch to that super expensive, not-allowed-to-eat-anything diet I’ll be all over that.

What’s that? Your kid used the potty for the first time? Let’s hope that doesn’t end up ranking in the top 10 achievements of their life. Judging by the fact that you just potty trained a five-year-old I’m thinking the chances aren’t looking too good…

There’s the irritating ex-neighbor who is obsessed with posting 80’s music videos. Ten YouTube videos in a row from a band whose drummer has been dead for 12 years. Each post with its own ever-so-ingenious caption such as “sweet song” or “Your gonna love this one. Its awesome” Catch the grammatical error there? Grammar jokes, people. Grammar jokes.

Then there is the elderly friend of your friend’s great-aunt that you met once at a wedding. They feel the need to share every “Repost this if you know someone who…” status that has ever been invented. This is the same women who will soon be ecstatic to learn she was chosen to inherit millions of dollars from an heiress – ha, that sounds like a British person saying hairless – Ugandan prince. All she has to do is send her social security number and bank account info. How could that ever be a bad idea?

What about that annoying friend with a blog who spends all her time pimping her latest entry and trying to get friends to “like” her page? They’re literally the worst.

Ugh! Or even worse… what about those idiots that are happy? Happy couples. Happy families. Happy cats. Vomit, puke, vomit. Go sell your crazy somewhere else, happy. We’re all full up here. Obviously I log onto Facebook to judge people, not be happy for them.

All joking aside, what’s this Snarky Self-Helper’s advice? Everyone on Facebook is annoying to someone. If you don’t like it, there’s this super simple solution called not logging on. Eh, who am I kidding? Being annoyed by people on Facebook is one of the greatest joys of Facebook. So let’s go stalk that weird co-worker… but first let me take a selfie.

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Yesterday Was Thursday, Today is Friday

Teen singer Rebecca Black got a lot of criticism for her song, Friday. And why wouldn’t she? The song was ridiculous. With lyrics like “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards” and “we, we, we so excited.” Lyrics to a song couldn’t get much more moronic and juvenile. Or could they…

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the mind numbing song selections available on our local Top 40 station. I heard a song that I rationalized could only be a spoof of Black’s song Friday. ~The hosts of the morning zoo are skilled at parody and hilariously funny.~ This was probably a replay of one of their “bits.”

Here is a sample of the lyrics to this mystery song:

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Slowly I made the horrible realization that this was a “real song.” Even more horribly, it turns out the song is by the 27-year-old singer Katy Perry.

“Whoa! People are going to make so much fun of this song,” I thought to myself.

But to my surprise I’ve seen nothing about this song. Where are the articles making fun of its idiotic subject matter? Why doesn’t my Facebook feed explode with statuses quoting Perry’s stupid lyrics every Friday? This is a grown-ass woman singing about getting hickies and using the term “epic fail” (without the slightest hint of sarcasm) and no one raises an eyebrow.

The answer to this conundrum is simple: most popular music is stupid and the majority of people just don’t want to admit it.

I have no problem with stupid music. It’s enjoyable. All in all, music should be fun. If it has a good beat and you can dance to it, I say more power to you.

It’s just an interesting line between what constitutes a laughably stupid pop song, and a legitimate pop song (if there is such a thing). Black’s song Friday has gotten stuck in my head more times than I care to admit, but I can’t remember Perry’s Last Friday Night even if I try. So which song is the real joke, America?

The advice that this snarky self-helper is giving to you is just to accept that every pop song you like is dumb and be okay with that. Life’s too short to be a music snob.

So go out and have fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is.