Well people, it’s almost the start of another new year. That means most of you will have failed your New Year’s resolution by this time next week. Don’t feel bad, your resolution is completely unrealistic anyway. Failing at a resolution is really just succeeding at knowing yourself. And most self-help gurus will tell you that knowing yourself is the first step to self-improvement. So make “know myself better” a resolution and BAM. You’ve got one. That’s 100% more than most people.

When you think about it, the New Year is just setting us up to fail. Keeping a New Year’s resolution would be like keeping Christmas cheer all year long, dressing as a slutty vampire everyday or continuously being drunk on green beer and whiskey… well… the first two are ridiculous at least.

And excuuuuuuuuse me, Baby New Year, but I don’t think you have any business telling me to lose weight. I’ve seen you in a diaper and you’re not exactly rocking a six pack.

If people really wanted to exercise more and quit smoking they’d do it when the days are longer and they aren’t already wallowing in the haze of seasonal affect disorder. Vitamin D supplements my butt. No pill is going to make you feel better about it being pitch black at 5pm.

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? If you want to improve yourself, do it in a few months. It’s too cold outside to train for a marathon or spend more time with your kids now anyway.