“Age is just a number.” False. If that were true my knee wouldn’t make a popping sound when I sit down.
Here are 30 undeniable facts about turning the terrifying thirty.
- 30 sucks.
- 30 is awesome.
- Your perception of turning 30 depends entirely on where you are in your life and how much you’ve “achieved.”
- “Achievement” is entirely based on your gender. If you’re a 30-year-old woman, you should be married/engaged and have a child/plans for children very soon.
- You’re no longer allowed to be “figuring life out.” You should have your shit together.
- You’re expected to have a good job, have a good relationship and own a suit.
- Most 30-year-olds are still “figuring life out.”
- If you’ve done life right, your alcohol tolerance at 30 is far greater than it was at 25.
- Your Facebook feed becomes overrun with pictures of babies… and you post a few yourself.
- There are athletes younger than you that can realistically have competed in 3 Olympic games.
- You’ll never make a “30 Under 30” list.
- You’re not the youngest in your group of friends anymore.
- You’re not the youngest at work anymore.
- You’re not the youngest anywhere anymore.
You lose all ability to perceive the age of people younger than you.
- You refuse to accept the age of people only a few years older than you.
- You remember how OLD 30 sounded when you were a teenager.
- You’re not allowed to complain about being 30 to anyone in their 40’s.
- Your memory starts going and you often tell the same stories to the same people over and over.
- You’ve known your friends long enough that they won’t hesitate to tell you that you’re old, and forgetful, and have told them the same story over and over again.
- You notice that a lot of things matter a lot less. Things that would have ruined your whole day at 22 don’t even affect you at 30.
- You notice a lot of things matter a lot more. You know life is short and precious and you start to get your priorities straight.
- You are much better at standing up for yourself and people who mess with you better watch the hell out.
- If you’re lucky, you can officially say you’ve been friends with someone 10 or 20 years. That is an awesome feeling.
- When you think of the mid-1990’s, you still think of them as about 10 years ago.
- When you were a kid, Nick at Nite was I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show and Taxi.
- You’re horrified that Nick at Nite is now Roseanne, Full House and Friends.
- You’re even more horrified that Marge and Homer, and Dan and Roseanne were only a few years older than you are now… and they each had three kids.
- You used to think it was impressive that you knew every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. You now realize everyone your age knows every word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
- You can honestly say you know yourself better than you ever have.
- You’ve convinced yourself that with modern medicine, 30 is the new 20. And if you look at pictures of people your age from the 1950’s, you might just be right.