Category Archives: opinion

PHSD – Pre-Halloween Stress Disorder

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in humor, Life, opinion, shopping and tagged with , , , , ,

It’s almost Halloween. That means this time last year you were screaming “next year will be different” while sobbing into the used lingerie rack at a thrift store. 

But alas, Halloween is one week away and that slutty Mr. Potato Head costume option is looking better and better. 

This is the time of year when Google’s top Halloween search terms go from “fun costumes” and “cute couple costumes” to things like “last minute costume ideas,” “how to make a costume out of a sack” and “sweet baby Buddha I need a f&*%ing costume NOW!”

People always talk about the stress of “the holidays.” The dread of spending Thanksgiving being hit on by crazy “Uncle” Charlie or maxing out five credit cards at Christmas buying 100 memberships to the Sausage of the Month Club. But what about Halloween?

More than any other holiday, Halloween comes with the pressure to be “clever.” You’ve got to come up with a clever costume, carve a clever pumpkin, write clever things on your fake Styrofoam tombstones. Here’s a fun fact: most people aren’t clever. Way to point out how lame people are, Halloween. That’s a bitch move right there.

At least Beggar’s Night is nothing but fun with all those adorable little princesses and ninjas carrying their tiny plastic pumpkins. That’s until a 17-year-old football player in a ski mask shows up trying to get free candy. Tell me any other time of year when roving bands of teenagers in masks trying to get you to give them free things is a fun family event. October 31: good holiday fun. November 1: turn off the lights and call the cops.

The practice of leaving decapitated, decomposing produce all over the house is a whole other can of crazy. If you had a neighbor who liked to carve human faces into Papayas and then leave them on his porch, I doubt you’d be strolling over to ask for a cup of sugar. 

Luckily we have soothing, feel-good holiday movies like Halloween, The Exorcist or Nightmare on Elm Street Part 89 to calm our nerves. Weeks on end of watching 20-somethings be skinned alive is just plain good for the soul.

What’s the point that is Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Relax. Halloween is super fun. If you’re feeling too stressed out, go stare at the Christmas light display that’s been at Target since September. Then eat a bag of Kit Kats. When the real zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll miss those Pocahottie costumes. 

Hurts Like Heel

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in Entertainment, Fashion, humor, Life, opinion and tagged with , , , ,

A sampling of my now abandoned high heel collection.

I don’t care what anyone says, being a woman is harder than being a man. And I’m not talking about lower wages or a history of being treated like dirt. I’m not even going off on a tangent about “Aunt Flo”, pregnancy and childbirth. The very basic day-to-day of being a woman is more uncomfortable and time consuming than even the most metro sexual straight guy or supremely coiffed gay.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love being a girly-girl. I love makeup, skirts, thongs, flat irons and push-up bras. While each of those things cause a little less comfort and/or a lot of extra time, I make the sacrifice for my ladificationess. I’ve even been known to use a dash of tinted moisturizer and some mascara on days when I have no intention of even going outside. Maybe I’m brainwashed by the cosmetics companies and fashion magazines or maybe I just don’t like looking like a hag. Either way, it makes me feel better.

Dr. Scholl’s knows women are nuts.

However, there is one icon of femininity that I have sadly eliminated from my daily wear: the high heeled shoe.

I own at least 20 pairs of high heels. I have separate pants for whether I’m wearing heels or flats. I used to wear heels to work nearly every day. Now I wear heels MAYBE once every couple months. Even then I carry a pair of backup flats.

And therein lies the problem. High heeled shoes are painful enough that we need to carry a second pair of shoes for when we just can’t take it anymore. There is no daily male equivalent to this kind of fashion torture.

Back when I wore heels, there were times when I would plan my activities around them. I would think, “I really need to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but I’m wearing heels.” There was no room in my life for “being spontaneous.” All plans had to be laid out beforehand so I knew whether there would be a lot of walking. If I were a superhero, my kryptonite would be high heeled shoes.

Then there was the time my knee completely seized up and I couldn’t walk. The doctor told me to stop wearing heels. But the doctor was a man, he obviously didn’t understand. The foot, knee, hip and back pain were all my sacrifice for fashion. Duh.

Eventually I came to my senses. I was torturing myself on a daily basis and planning my life around a fashion choice. As much as I’d like to blame Cosmo and Sex and the City, it was my own dumb fault. The worst part? I’m already 5’9″. How much taller could I possibly want to be?

My case is a little extreme. There are some women who are actually comfortable in heels. However, the percentage of women who don’t have high heel pain is about the same as the percentage of women who look good without makeup.

Occasionally I see women at Target working 4-inch heels in the toilet paper aisle or those girls in their wedge sandals at the fair. Now you can’t tell me they’re doing that for the enjoyment. They’re doing it so that their legs look longer and their calf muscles look good. Goodness knows you don’t want the toothless carny working the tilt-a-wheel to think you have stumpy legs.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Some fashion is worth it and some is not. Stop and think about how far you’re willing to go for fashion. Then buy yourself some ballet flats.

The Curse of Awesomeness

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in Entertainment, humor, Life, opinion and tagged with , , , , ,

Hello my snark-loving friends. Long time, no type. I hope your lives haven’t fallen into shambles without my snarcasm (shout out to Amy on that one).

But have no fear, today’s post is the first in a series that I’ll present to you over the next few Wednesdays. Since people are all about stupid titles, lets call them our What The F*&% Wednesdays. The What The F*&% Wednesday series will focus on the wonderful world of “haters.”

Social media has become a breeding ground for haters. The speed and severity with which one can hate on you is as fast as the haters’ internet connection. Back in MY day, we learned about everyone’s triumphs and failures through the town gossip like civilized people.

Believe it or not, we didn’t even know what our next door neighbor’s cousin had for breakfast. And yes, we could choose to avoid the haters by not taking part in social media, but… actually, no we can’t. That would be like saying you can choose not to have a telephone. It’s just a part of life now. A sad, addictive, obnoxious, but strangely fun part of life.

Today’s post is entitled ”The Curse of Awesomeness.” The reason being that there seems to be nothing that irritates people more than doing well, being happy or having confidence.

Since social media has made it impossible for any of us to focus on anything that isn’t broken down into easy-to-digest list form, below you will find 7 examples of the types of people who, by simply existing in the social media world, subject themselves to being secretly (or sometimes not so secretly) hated on.

7. The “OK” Big Girl: Inconceivable! Inconceivable! A woman who isn’t a size 2, 4 or even 12 that is ok with herself? My circuits are on overload trying to compute this data. NOTHING in the media has ever suggested to me that a “big girl” is allowed to be ok with herself. And boy if that doesn’t just set the haters off. It must all be a front, right? She goes home every night and sobs into a tub of Baskin Robbins, right? Sorry haters. Some women actually are ok with themselves without looking like Kate Moss (there’s a current reference for you).

6. The Legitimate Fitness Buff: They go to the gym 5 days a week and eat the way every health expert in the country suggests. Here’s the insane part, they act like they don’t hate every waking moment of it Pfffft. That’s not possible! Have you seen the size of her? She must be anorexic. Sad news for the haters. Just like The “OK” Big Girl, some thin women are actually just happy with themselves and enjoy being healthy. As to why or how that’s possible, don’t ask me.

5. The Ballsy Artist: No, that’s not the porn version of the film The Artist. The Ballsy Artist is that person whose dream is to be an actor, writer, singer, dancer, or even a lion tamer, and they’re actually *gasp* going for it. The haters come out in full force on this one, and generally they don’t even feel the need to keep it quiet from the person they’re hating on. Why care about the feelings of someone so stupid that they’re actually following their dreams? They must be coaxed out of this insanity and into a cubicle. Doesn’t every child dream of having a healthy 401k? Well I say dream on, Ballsy Artist. Even if you don’t make it big, you’ve pissed off a lot of haters, and that’s fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine.

4. The Soulmates: Ugh… could those two BE more lovey-dovey? Puke. All their cutesy pictures and comments just make me sick. No one is that happy. Believe it or not, there have actually been documented cases of happy couples in history. People who met each other, liked each other and stayed with each other (I know, I’m such an old softy). So maybe when that person posts that they’re excited to see their significant other, they aren’t covering up a problem relationship. Perhaps there are a few couples left in the world who can actually stand being around each other. Haters love nothing more than to project their own misery onto others.

3. The Outspoken Woman: Oh deary, wouldn’t you be happier if you just kept quiet? Talking is really more of a man’s thing. We all know women aren’t meant to speak their minds or stand up to anyone. Let’s go bake a pie. People like to forget that there are still women in this country who were alive when women weren’t even allowed to vote. And I may not be a history buff, but I’m pretty sure women didn’t get to where they are now by being good little “ladies” and not “ruffling any feathers” or “causing any ripples.” Well behaved women rarely make history and whatnot. Women standing up for themselves and others just gets haters all in a tizzy. Just because you’ve spent your entire life trying to build up the courage to say no, don’t hate on me… er… I mean, The Outspoken Woman, for her ability to speak her mind.

2. The Good Witch: Witches, bitches and divas, oh my! The question remains the same: Are you a good witch? Or a bad witch? I’ll get to the bad witches in an upcoming week, but for now, we’ll focus on the good. Much like The Outspoken Woman, The Good Witches tend to be smart, sassy, loud-mouthed and fun. What could anger an uptight hater more? Did you see how low-cut that top is? My, my, my she certainly is “loud” isn’t she? Let me take a moment to decode hater speak for you. When a hater uses any of the following words to describe someone, take that word and replace it with “bitch” because that’s what they really mean: loud, talkative, sarcastic, snarky, outspoken, animated, brash, fun and popular.

1. The All-Around Awesome: They just think they’re the shit. Well, I don’t think they’re so special. Guess what, hater? Yes you do. If you really didn’t think they were the shit, then you wouldn’t worry about them so much. And you know what else? They probably do know they’re awesome. Some people just got dealt a better hand. Actually, I take that back. Some people got dealt a much worse hand, but they just handled it better and did more with less. The All-Around Awesome can possess one or many awesome traits. Usually they possess a seemingly unfair combination of any of the following: attractive, smart, fun, funny, happy, in love, well dressed, successful, talented, rich, actually like their children, don’t have children, has friends, isn’t an evil bitch, has never worn Crocs in their life, naturally curly hair, naturally straight hair, knows the difference between their, there and they’re… the list could go on forever.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? The #1 way to make people hate on you is to have something they want. No one is perfect, and there are things we can all work to improve, but if you have haters you’re probably doing something right. Know your true friends and don’t let the haters drag you down. And don’t worry, in the upcoming weeks I’ll teach you how to spot a hater.

I’m sure I’ve left a bunch out. What other reasons do people get hated on? Let me know in the comments!

10 Reasons The Avengers Sucks

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in Entertainment, humor, opinion and tagged with , , , ,

Yeah, I’ve heard all about it. How The Avengers is the most awesome movie ever made and broke the box office record for opening weekend ticket sales. The movie full-on Hulk Smashed nearly every other film ever made. Well, I’m here to tell you why The Avengers sucks!

10. Real Life Blows Now… Even More So: Did you see The Avengers yet? Well, if you’re one of the five people who haven’t, good luck going to work the next day. As if Mondays weren’t boring enough, this week I was forced to have the awesomeness that is The Avengers in my brain while I was emptying the used coffee filter.

9. Scarlett Johansson’s Rear End: Damn gurl, how’d you fit all of that in them jeans, them jeans, how’d you fit all of that in them… yes, I know Black Widow doesn’t wear jeans and yes, those are the lyrics to a real song. But still, did you see that close up of her hind quarters? Way to make 99% of all other women’s butts look super lame.

8. The Inflation of Nerd Egos: As if the world’s obsession with technology hadn’t given nerds enough of an ego boost, now it’s cool to like comic book heroes. Great. Next thing you know people will be judged on their intelligence and not their looks.

7. Blonde Guys: I have never liked blonde guys. Yuck. Tall dark and handsome all the way for me, thank you. But stupid Avengers had to go and make those blonde guys hot. But you listen to me, world! Just because Chris Hemsworth (Thor) can pull it off better not mean that the Fabio look comes back in style. Wait, was that ever in style?

6. The Hulk Is Cool: I live my life knowing certain undeniable truths. Pizza is delicious, Glee sucks and The Hulk movies were ridiculously lame. Now The Avengers has to go and make me love The Hulk. I’m already dealing with my newfound love of blonde guys, I don’t need to add giant green men with anger management issues to my list of totally hot hotties.

5. People are annoying: People are even more annoying when you’re forced to share an armrest with them. I want the experience of a blockbuster movie without all those pesky people. And who is the sadist that put hard little candies in a cardboard box? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that obnoxious people take those boxes as a challenge to be the most annoying. Now there is a game no one can win.

4. Romantic Schmorantic: Now I can never watch The Notebook again. Wait… I never wanted to watch The Notebook again anyway. Well, regardless, I’ll take epic battles for the survival of all mankind over the fate of whiny girl and lovelorn guy. Buh-bye Romanic Comedies. I’m so over you.

3.Cleveland Rocks: All the work that the Browns, Cavs and Indians have done to make Cleveland feel like crap and now The Avengers comes in and gives them a sliver of happiness. Watching the faces of Cleveland natives light up when they see their city being blown apart is just disgusting. LeBron people, Lebron. Know your place, Cleveland.

2. Forcing Me to Like Things: I pride myself on disliking things. How DARE you make me like you Avengers. For shame. You go cuddle your hundreds of millions of dollars and think about what you’ve done.

1. Butt Loads of Cash and Time: Good grief. You can’t just be happy with the $50 I’ve already given you, can you Avengers? Now you are going to force hours upon hours more of entertainment on me over the coming years. Sequels to basically every movie that preceded The Avengers and the inevitable Avengers sequel. Ugh.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Thor can swing his giant hammer my way any day. I mean… boo Avengers.

15 (More) Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in humor, Life, opinion and tagged with , , , ,

There’s a popular article going around of the 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. Here is a list of 15 more things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier… snarky style.

1. Give Up The Need to Have Everyone Like You: It is impossible to make everyone like you, but more importantly, it says something about you as a person if you feel the need for everyone to be your friend. Do you not have any of your own feelings or opinions? Because there are times in life when you have to stand up for yourself, and that usually makes an enemy or two along the way. A lot of people are also jerks or idiots. Why do you care if jerks or idiots like you? Are you a jerk or idiot?

2. Give Up Being a Health Nut: I legitimately cannot imagine spending my entire life counting calories and going to the gym 7 days a week. Everything in moderation, blah, blah, blah, but there is a difference between keeping the flab under control and just being a freak about it. Going to the gym doesn’t make you invincible. You can still get hit by a bus. So have a damn cookie and maybe go out for drinks with your friends a couple of those gym nights.

3. Give Up Mean Bitches: We all know there are different types of bitches. I would never suggest giving up a funny bitch or a recreational bitch like myself. Dumb bitches are taken care of in #5 of this list. But mean bitches have got to go… them and their bitch faces.

4. Give Up Crocs: Seriously people. I have never seen an uglier piece of clothing. You might as well wear a sign saying “I’ve given up on myself.”

5. Give Up Dumbasses: Man, people are stupid. I mean, it’s stunning sometimes. And if you have a job where you deal with the general public, it can completely ruin your faith in the future of humanity. So do your best to cut all dumbasses out of your personal life if possible. Your faith in humanity will greatly improve. Well, as long as you also avoid all reality TV and any local or national news.

6. Give Up Your Faith in The Youth of America: Have you seen this? Seriously? WTF?

7. Give Up Whoever You’re Pining Over: Either they’ve never loved you or they don’t love you anymore. Either way, give it up. You look pathetic.

8. Give Up The Idea That Your Childhood Dreams Will Come True: You’re not going to be any of the following: Princess, Astronaut, Cowboy, Race Car Driver, Ballerina or a Lion Tamer. Quite frankly, it was irresponsible of your parents to ever lead you to believe you could be anything you wanted. That’s borderline child abuse right there.

9. Give Up Not Complaining: Life gets annoying. Pretending everything is great all the time and never having a gripe about anything will eventually land you in a looney bin all tied up in a straight jacket, giggling uncontrollably and talking like Ned Flanders. When something is annoying, find a friend and bitch about it. Note: There IS a limit to how much you can bitch about any one subject, so make sure to spice up your bitching. Choose a variety of topics to keep things fresh. The addition of alcohol makes any bitch session better.

10. Give Up Feeling Like You Can’t Say No: People pleasers make me puke. Grow a freaking backbone. You cannot spend your life saying yes to everyone and everything. Well, actually, I take that back. You go ahead and keep doing that because people like me need someone to shove all the crappy duties of life off onto. And if you don’t value yourself enough to take a stance, then I don’t mind walking all over you.

11. Give Up Your Myspace Account: Are you kidding? Who the hell still has a Myspace account? Hold on, let me hit you up on Friendster.

12. Give Up People Who Aren’t Worth Your Time: Friends are fun, but not all friends are forever. Do you have that person who you text all the time, but never replies? After about the 12th time, you can’t pretend it’s your phone malfunctioning. That bitch is ignoring you. You can safely end the friendship knowing you tried your best. And that your former good friend is a bitch face.

13. Give Up Bacon: I’m just kidding. Bacon is delicious. Eat up.

14. Give Up Pants With Writing On The Butt: No. NO! You are either too young, or too old to have “juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass. Either you’re a pre-teen and it’s freaking jail bait, or you’re over 16 and it’s just sad. Quit. You quit that right now.

15. Give Up Trying to Make Social Change on Facebook: No matter how many times you tell me to “re-post” your idiotic status, I’m not going to do it. Mass “awareness” statuses could make me hate the cause of puppies born without eyes if I see the moronic status enough. Oh, and side note: everyone is aware of breast cancer. We can stop having secret coded messages to raise awareness. How about we just start fighting for a cure? The “awareness” is at its peak. Have you ever met someone who didn’t know about breast cancer? Case and point.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? Do what I say and no one gets hurt.

Unbelievably Tragic and Amazingly Awesome

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in humor, Life, opinion and tagged with , , ,

I have been known to occasionally overexaggerate things. What can I say? I like to use colorful language. I’m a storyteller at heart really, and I must entertain my audience. But there are times when I step back and realize just how silly most of us are in our word usage.

If something truly amazing ever happened to me I would have to make up a new mega-word to accurately describe the experience. Fantabudupertastic or Stupendabulous or something. When you use the word amazing to describe a deal you just got at Target, it takes a little bit of the power out of the word.

Let’s take a closer look at this theory:

“I just had the most AMAZING sandwich.”

a·maz·ing/əˈmāziNG/

Adjective:
  1. Causing great surprise or wonder; astonishing.
  2. Startlingly impressive.

So you’re saying you just had the most startlingly impressive sandwich that caused you great wonder. Holy crap! Did it have pickles?

“Those shoes are awesome.”

awe·some/ˈôsəm/

Adjective:
  1. Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.
  2. Extremely good; excellent.

If I ever see a daunting pair of shoes that gives me great inspiration, I’ll make sure to Instagram that mess for everyone to see.

These words are just a part of our day-to-day language at this point. Which is fine, I suppose it’s not causing anyone any harm. It is kind of sad when you think about it. I mean, are our lives THAT boring? Perhaps they are. Tragic really.

Tragic. Now there’s a funny word.

trag·ic/ˈtrajik/

Adjective:
  1. Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.
  2. Suffering extreme distress or sorrow.

People don’t technically misuse the word, they’re just idiots. If the death of a drug addicted billionaire who you’ve never met causes you extreme sorrow, you need to check yourself. Psssst! There are children starving to death all over the world without anyone giving a flying crap. A singer who had every resource possible and still chose to “crack” themselves to death isn’t tragic. At the very most it should conjur an “aw, shucks.”

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? You’re all unbelievably, stunningly, profoundly and intensely overexaggerating everything. Drama queens. I would never do something like that.

Selective Feminism

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in Facebook, humor, opinion and tagged with , , , , ,

Well, everyone (mainly ladies and gay men – my two main demographics), tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. An amazing day to celebrate love with your special someone (and then post all about it on Facebook in an attempt to make everyone jealous). AKA a day for single people to loudly declare how much they love their independence while crying into a heart-shaped box of chocolates they bought themselves.  All around, a super fake, all for appearances holiday… that can make or break a relationship.

I know I’ve been giving my man a lot of crap. I believe very strongly that planning Valentine’s Day is a man’s job. And he better do it right, damn it. You may be asking: If Valentine’s Day is so important, couldn’t you plan it yourself? Shut your filthy mouth, that’s crazy feminist talk! Wait a second… I am a feminist. Or am I?

I think women should have all the same rights as men, but still be  allowed on the lifeboat first when the ship is sinking. That’s just common courtesy, damn it.

I was leaving a Piada the other day (side note: how freaking delicious is Piada?) as some guy was walking in. I was only a couple steps from the door, when the guy walked in. You hear me? He walked IN. And the door closed behind him. Excuse me? I was like three steps away. Why I do declare!

Now I don’t know if I expected him to hold the door for me because that’s basic manners, or if I expected him to hold the door because I’m a woman. I did have to stop and wonder if a man in the same situation would have thought twice about it. I, on the other hand, was greatly offended. “I bet that dude never gets laid” may have been a thought that crossed through my mind.I mean, obviously he has zero social skills and is just a pathetic loser for not holding the door for me. Evil little troll man.

I expect men to dispose of scary bugs, carry heavy things and hold doors open for me. However, I don’t think women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. So am I still a feminist? Or am I some sort of selective feminist? A feminist when it’s convenient for me? I’m not sure.

There are times when it feels like a lose/lose situation. Saying you’re a feminist scares the crap out of people. I mean, I like wearing a bra and shaving. But those of us who consider ourselves “strong, independent women” (dare I say… feminists) also feel really pathetic when we expect men to do things like open doors. Makes me feel like I’m going to lose my “strong woman” card and have to start carrying a chihuahua around in a bag* and change my name to something that ends in an “i”.

What’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? Women shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with themselves. You know the idea of a man paying for dinner AND the movie, opening your car door and then killing a big-ass spider sounds like the perfect night. It’s okay. Even if you’ve thought this, you still deserve equal pay for equal work and the right to vote. And you can love pink and sparkles and still be a bad-ass feminist. Deal with it dudes.

* Turns out you cannot be a feminist and carry a small dog around in a bag. Goes completely against nature.

Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People: Part 1

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in Facebook, humor, opinion and tagged with , , , , ,

Have you ever run into an acquaintance and had that split second moment where you considered jumping into a rosebush so you didn’t have to talk to them? I bet you’re friends with them on Facebook.

Why does Facebook exist, really? It’s not really for professional networking, that’s LinkedIn. It’s not really to follow celebrities or companies, that’s Twitter. It’s not… eh… I won’t even bother mentioning MySpace because no one has logged in to that website for two years.

As far as I can tell Facebook is meant to help us keep in touch with friends, family and those acquaintances that we actually like. But that’s a dream world scenario.

In reality Facebook keeps us “connected” with a few key people and the other 250 (or 927 if you’re one of “those” people) are just filler.

Ask yourself this question: should you be “friends” with someone if seeing that it’s their birthday makes you think “ugh… do I really want to waste 20 seconds wishing them a happy birthday?”

We all have them. The people who pop up on the screen and we’re annoyed before we even read what they’re going to say.

There’s the irritating ex-neighbor who is obsessed with posting 80’s music videos. They post ten a day because one is just never enough. Ten YouTube videos in a row from a band whose drummer has been dead for 12 years. Each post with its own ever-so-ingenious caption such as “sweet song” or “Your gonna love this one. Its awesome.”

Then there is the elderly friend of your friend’s great-aunt that you met at a wedding once. They feel the need to share every “Repost this if you know someone who…” statuses that has ever been invented. This is the same women who will soon be ecstatic to learn she was chosen to inherit millions of dollars from a heirless Ugandan prince. All she has to do is send her social security number and bank account info.

What about that annoying friend with a blog who spends all her time pimping her latest entry and trying to get friends to “like” her page? That person is the worst of them all.

Luckily Facebook gives us the option to hide some of the more annoying individuals. Which believe me, is a feature I’ve used often.

But really? Should we be “friends” with someone whose entire essence as a human being just makes us cringe?

Maybe we should and maybe we shouldn’t. Whatever our decision, we need to think about it long and hard (that’s what she said). Because there seems to be no greater offense in today’s society then the dreaded “unfriending.”

I’ve been unfriended by a few people and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. One unfriending was a long time coming, but most cases of unfriending are the out-of-the-blue variety.

I discovered recently that I was unfriended by someone I find completely annoying. And yet, I was still offended that he unfriended me. How dare he unfriend me. Welcome to a life of shunning, my friend. Sorry, I mean my unfriend.

I even got to experience an ultra-dramatic unfriending by a hillbilly childhood friend who I hadn’t talked to in 15 years.

This particular “friend” had found me on Facebook and maybe commented on one picture and one status over the course of about a year. I never commented on anything of hers. Then one day, out of the blue, she had a series of totally nut-job statuses that seemed oddly specific to me.

“I’m being crazy” I thought to myself. “There is no way that she’s referring to me! I haven’t talked to her in 15 years!”

Just in case she was referring to me, I made sure to go in and change my profile picture immediately to one that was extra flattering. If I’m going to piss people off, I need to make sure I’m looking my best.

And alas, 10 minutes after her rant the statuses were gone from my feed. I went to her page only to find she had indeed unfriended me.

According to her insane, pre-unfriending tangent, she felt that I was using Facebook to rub my wonderful, amazing life in her face and tell her how much better I was than her. All of my statuses were just an evil plot to make her feel worse about her life. ~Wow, she’s not self-centered at all.~

Don’t get me wrong, I did think I was better than her. But I’m pretty sure all 12 of her Facebook friends did.

The woman did nothing but complain about how miserable her life was and how everyone and everything was out to get her. Every man she knew was a disgusting pig who “only wanted one thing,” her boss was a giant bitch, she didn’t have any friends and yet she also hated all her friends. She was one of my schadenfreude kind of Facebook friends (throwback to a previous post, anyone?).

Just goes to show that we can’t even imagine some of the reactions that our statuses are getting. Actually, no, it just goes to show that my mother was right to forbid me from hanging out with that crazy ho when we were 12. Probably saved me years of grief. That was of course until the magic of Facebook reunited us ever so briefly.

So what’s the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? For the time being my point is that unfriending is more than a click of a button. Don’t do it hastily because it carries a lot more meaning than it probably should. When in doubt, block ‘em out. Unfriending has become a surefire way to make an immediate enemy.

That being said, tune in next time for Facebook Doesn’t Annoy People, People Annoy People: Part 2 in which we’ll discuss when to “Unfriend”.

Like the ecards shown in this post? Find them here: http://www.someecards.com/search-cards/newest?t=facebook

We’re Not As Cultured As We’d Like to Think

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in humor, opinion, society and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,

People used to be so barbaric in their chosen forms of entertainment. There was a time when people would actually gather around the town gallows and watch others be hung to death for the sheer amusement.

I want to keep my posts fairly light-hearted in nature so I’m going to just ignore the fact that there are still places around the world that do this. Like most Americans I choose ignorance. Makes me feel less guilty when I’m bitching about traffic jams or how crowded it is at the mall.

Another entertainment pastime that was less morbid – but 100% politically incorrect – was the good old-fashioned freak show. Can you believe that people used to actually pay to stand and gawk at individuals with physical and mental disorders?

Oh, look! Jersey Shore is on…

As I’ve previously confessed, I love reality television. And I must admit that most of the reality shows I like are the kinds that make me feel better about myself through the art of judging.

My love of judging probably comes as a shock to those of you who know me. The secret lives we lead, right?

I personally don’t choose to watch shows like the aforementioned Jersey Shore. I want my reality television to trick me into thinking I’m watching a documentary. Makes me feel all classy-like.

Everyone has their own reality show sleaze-threshold. Mine cuts off right around any show involving a half ton man. I eat those types of shows up, so to speak, but I feel bad in the process.

Whatever your style of reality show, it will always contain some element of what I call the “Freak Show Factor.” We watch these people struggle and fail and make fools of themselves. And because of the freak show factor even the kindest one among us has had a moment of “I’m glad that’s not me.”

The Germans even have a word for this. They call it schadenfreude. The definition being: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. ~Shocking that the German people would go to the effort a creating a specific word for something so insensitive and cruel.~

If I were more thorough this is where I would insert some sort of information about the psychological principle behind all this. But I think you’re just as capable of using Google as I am.

So what is the point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make? We’re only human. Sometimes you just can’t fight nature. At least we’re cultured enough to feel bad about our schadenfreude. Or at least pretend that we do.

When It’s Okay to Say, “That’s So Gay”

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in gay, humor, opinion and tagged with , , , , , ,

Oh, Public Service Announcements. We know them so well. Created by The Ad Council, some of the most famous – and relentlessly mocked – PSA slogans include “A Mind is a Terrible Thing to  Waste” and “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires.”

Hey Ad Council! What if we’re wasting the mind of someone who causes forest fires? What then?

One of the council’s current campaigns focuses on the negative connotation of the phrase “that’s so gay.”  These particular PSA’s are a collaboration between The Ad Council and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network.

The campaign’s commercials feature “celebrities” such as Wanda Sykes and Hillary Duff (~well-known gay rights activist~) confronting unsuspecting teenagers as they use the phrase “that’s so gay.”

The campaign hopes that people will stop and think what they’re really implying when they say “that’s so gay.”

For those of you who don’t know, I am the queen of the gays (yeah, you heard me Kathy Griffin). I love them and they love me. So I am all for fighting against discrimination and preventing the bullying of gay teens. However, this campaign has overlooked one critical fact: sometimes you just have to say “That’s So Gay.”

I got in trouble recently with one of my gays for saying “That’s so gay.” What was I describing? Something super gay.

When I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and one of the contestants does a pirouette during the lip-sync for their life, how am I supposed to describe that? When a designer on Project Runway screams “Where the HELL is my chiffon?” what do you want me to say?

The most concise and accurate response is simply “That’s so gay.”

Some people use the term to be intentionally malicious or hateful while others use it with complete ignorance. When I say “that’s so gay” I say it with the utmost love and respect.

In fact, why can’t we decide to use “that’s so gay” to describe positive things? If you find a $5 bill on the street, proclaim “That’s so gay!” When your friend tells you they’re engaged, scream “That’s so gay!” The next time your boyfriend is excited that he bought some fabulous shoes on sale, tell him “that’s so gay.”

The point that this snarky self-helper is trying to make is that intent is more important than words. People can say some horrible, hateful, evil things without using a single slur or profanity.

And sometimes things are just super, mega gay and “that’s so gay” is the most eloquent description that can be used.

Yesterday Was Thursday, Today is Friday

Posted by snarkyselfhelper in humor, music, opinion and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

Teen singer Rebecca Black got a lot of criticism for her song, Friday. And why wouldn’t she? The song was ridiculous. With lyrics like “Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards” and “we, we, we so excited.” Lyrics to a song couldn’t get much more moronic and juvenile. Or could they…

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the mind numbing song selections available on our local Top 40 station. I heard a song that I rationalized could only be a spoof of Black’s song Friday. ~The hosts of the morning zoo are skilled at parody and hilariously funny.~ This was probably a replay of one of their “bits.”

Here is a sample of the lyrics to this mystery song:

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

…

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Slowly I made the horrible realization that this was a “real song.” Even more horribly, it turns out the song is by the 27-year-old singer Katy Perry.

“Whoa! People are going to make so much fun of this song,” I thought to myself.

But to my surprise I’ve seen nothing about this song. Where are the articles making fun of its idiotic subject matter? Why doesn’t my Facebook feed explode with statuses quoting Perry’s stupid lyrics every Friday? This is a grown-ass woman singing about getting hickies and using the term “epic fail” (without the slightest hint of sarcasm) and no one raises an eyebrow.

The answer to this conundrum is simple: most popular music is stupid and the majority of people just don’t want to admit it.

I have no problem with stupid music. It’s enjoyable. All in all, music should be fun. If it has a good beat and you can dance to it, I say more power to you.

It’s just an interesting line between what constitutes a laughably stupid pop song, and a legitimate pop song (if there is such a thing). Black’s song Friday has gotten stuck in my head more times than I care to admit, but I can’t remember Perry’s Last Friday Night even if I try. So which song is the real joke, America?

The advice that this snarky self-helper is giving to you is just to accept that every pop song you like is dumb and be okay with that. Life’s too short to be a music snob.

So go out and have fun, fun, think about fun. You know what it is.