Hello my snark-loving friends. Long time, no type. I hope your lives haven’t fallen into shambles without my snarcasm (shout out to Amy on that one).

But have no fear, today’s post is the first in a series that I’ll present to you over the next few Wednesdays. Since people are all about stupid titles, lets call them our What The F*&% Wednesdays. The What The F*&% Wednesday series will focus on the wonderful world of “haters.”

Social media has become a breeding ground for haters. The speed and severity with which one can hate on you is as fast as the haters’ internet connection. Back in MY day, we learned about everyone’s triumphs and failures through the town gossip like civilized people.

Believe it or not, we didn’t even know what our next door neighbor’s cousin had for breakfast. And yes, we could choose to avoid the haters by not taking part in social media, but… actually, no we can’t. That would be like saying you can choose not to have a telephone. It’s just a part of life now. A sad, addictive, obnoxious, but strangely fun part of life.

Today’s post is entitled ”The Curse of Awesomeness.” The reason being that there seems to be nothing that irritates people more than doing well, being happy or having confidence.

Since social media has made it impossible for any of us to focus on anything that isn’t broken down into easy-to-digest list form, below you will find 7 examples of the types of people who, by simply existing in the social media world, subject themselves to being secretly (or sometimes not so secretly) hated on.

7. The “OK” Big Girl: Inconceivable! Inconceivable! A woman who isn’t a size 2, 4 or even 12 that is ok with herself? My circuits are on overload trying to compute this data. NOTHING in the media has ever suggested to me that a “big girl” is allowed to be ok with herself. And boy if that doesn’t just set the haters off. It must all be a front, right? She goes home every night and sobs into a tub of Baskin Robbins, right? Sorry haters. Some women actually are ok with themselves without looking like Kate Moss (there’s a current reference for you).

6. The Legitimate Fitness Buff: They go to the gym 5 days a week and eat the way every health expert in the country suggests. Here’s the insane part, they act like they don’t hate every waking moment of it Pfffft. That’s not possible! Have you seen the size of her? She must be anorexic. Sad news for the haters. Just like The “OK” Big Girl, some thin women are actually just happy with themselves and enjoy being healthy. As to why or how that’s possible, don’t ask me.

5. The Ballsy Artist: No, that’s not the porn version of the film The Artist. The Ballsy Artist is that person whose dream is to be an actor, writer, singer, dancer, or even a lion tamer, and they’re actually *gasp* going for it. The haters come out in full force on this one, and generally they don’t even feel the need to keep it quiet from the person they’re hating on. Why care about the feelings of someone so stupid that they’re actually following their dreams? They must be coaxed out of this insanity and into a cubicle. Doesn’t every child dream of having a healthy 401k? Well I say dream on, Ballsy Artist. Even if you don’t make it big, you’ve pissed off a lot of haters, and that’s fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine.

4. The Soulmates: Ugh… could those two BE more lovey-dovey? Puke. All their cutesy pictures and comments just make me sick. No one is that happy. Believe it or not, there have actually been documented cases of happy couples in history. People who met each other, liked each other and stayed with each other (I know, I’m such an old softy). So maybe when that person posts that they’re excited to see their significant other, they aren’t covering up a problem relationship. Perhaps there are a few couples left in the world who can actually stand being around each other. Haters love nothing more than to project their own misery onto others.

3. The Outspoken Woman: Oh deary, wouldn’t you be happier if you just kept quiet? Talking is really more of a man’s thing. We all know women aren’t meant to speak their minds or stand up to anyone. Let’s go bake a pie. People like to forget that there are still women in this country who were alive when women weren’t even allowed to vote. And I may not be a history buff, but I’m pretty sure women didn’t get to where they are now by being good little “ladies” and not “ruffling any feathers” or “causing any ripples.” Well behaved women rarely make history and whatnot. Women standing up for themselves and others just gets haters all in a tizzy. Just because you’ve spent your entire life trying to build up the courage to say no, don’t hate on me… er… I mean, The Outspoken Woman, for her ability to speak her mind.

2. The Good Witch: Witches, bitches and divas, oh my! The question remains the same: Are you a good witch? Or a bad witch? I’ll get to the bad witches in an upcoming week, but for now, we’ll focus on the good. Much like The Outspoken Woman, The Good Witches tend to be smart, sassy, loud-mouthed and fun. What could anger an uptight hater more? Did you see how low-cut that top is? My, my, my she certainly is “loud” isn’t she? Let me take a moment to decode hater speak for you. When a hater uses any of the following words to describe someone, take that word and replace it with “bitch” because that’s what they really mean: loud, talkative, sarcastic, snarky, outspoken, animated, brash, fun and popular.

1. The All-Around Awesome: They just think they’re the shit. Well, I don’t think they’re so special. Guess what, hater? Yes you do. If you really didn’t think they were the shit, then you wouldn’t worry about them so much. And you know what else? They probably do know they’re awesome. Some people just got dealt a better hand. Actually, I take that back. Some people got dealt a much worse hand, but they just handled it better and did more with less. The All-Around Awesome can possess one or many awesome traits. Usually they possess a seemingly unfair combination of any of the following: attractive, smart, fun, funny, happy, in love, well dressed, successful, talented, rich, actually like their children, don’t have children, has friends, isn’t an evil bitch, has never worn Crocs in their life, naturally curly hair, naturally straight hair, knows the difference between their, there and they’re… the list could go on forever.

So what’s the point that this Snarky Self-Helper is trying to make? The #1 way to make people hate on you is to have something they want. No one is perfect, and there are things we can all work to improve, but if you have haters you’re probably doing something right. Know your true friends and don’t let the haters drag you down. And don’t worry, in the upcoming weeks I’ll teach you how to spot a hater.

I’m sure I’ve left a bunch out. What other reasons do people get hated on? Let me know in the comments!